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Facebook message from church staff member... What do I?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by phoenix89, Mar 10, 2014.

  1. phoenix89

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    I told one of the staff members that I am questioning my sexuality. I told her about everything that is currently going on, and it is a lot, trust me it is. Anyways, on Feb 28-Mar 1, I went on a women's weekend church retreat, during the closing service I found the staff member that I have been talking to and completely broke. I started crying and stuttering and was all around upset. I told about everything that has been on my mind, and about how I am not sure if I am bi or not. This was the third time I mentioned it, but the first time we actually got to talk.

    I ended up not going to church the next day, or yesterday (Sunday) for matter of fact. We had been messaging and I sent her a message a week ago saying that I met with the leader of the LGBTQ center and about some of the information she gave me, including the contact information for a couple Open and Affirming churches in the area, including the one that she (the leader of the LGBTQ center) attends.

    Anyways, apparently the staff member noticed that I was not in church yesterday, or just felt like it was the right time to get back to me on facebook. She sent me a message that started with,"I've been praying for you and thinking of you lately." then went on to tell me to continue to "seek the Word for my answers". And response to my message about the contact information about the church by calling them, "more accepting of the Homosexual Lifestyle". She stated that she was not trying to be combative, but that she wants me to be "convinced before God and not a circle of friends or a preference that you might have. But only on the Word of God and conviction from God".

    Why I am not surprise that my "circle of friends" got brought in. Most of my friends are part of the GSM, and she knows that and knows some of them as well. Which is why I am so surprised by this, she is the last person that I expected to act this way. I confided in her about this and I feel like I just got slapped in the face. I am not surprised that this came from my church, but I am surprised that it came from her.

    Now she wants to meet with me and talk soon, but I do not know what to do? Do meet with her? Do I meet with her, and make sure that someone else is there? What do I do? She knows so much about what I have gone through and I feel so stupid now. This church meant so much to mean and now I feel like I have lost it because I decided to start questioning if I am bi or not. Why is happening? There is nothing wrong with me, but I no longer feel like I am welcomed because I am question? What is wrong with me question? Why can't I attend church and still be questioning? I am about to lose my church family, all because I questioning who I am. This is just great.:bang:
     
  2. dano218

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    From what I understand from your post she a fundamental christian who believes homosexuality is a choice and so on. If your in the process of figuring out who you are I would get this person out of your life. Kindly tell her I don't want your help and this is my process and will make my own decision on who I am as a person. I don't if getting into the whole "homosexuality is not sin debate" would help but it open her mind to being more accepting. I would be glad that there are some people that will accept you no matter what and stick with those who do. This friend is not worth your time or energy and could be a danger to your health and self esteem.
     
  3. phoenix89

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    She is a fundamentalist, and it is does not help that her husband is one of the pastors at the church.The thing is, I do not want her out of my life. She has done a lot to help, but at the same time, I might not have a choice, but to cut her and the whole church out of my life. My faith has grown in leaps in bounds thanks to my involvement with this church, but I do not want it to be pushed back or have the option to explore more of who I am.

    I could tell her that I do not want to get into this debate. I know that she still wants to meet with me, and I cannot just ignore her message, she will worry if I do. So I have to meet with her, even if it is just once. My biggest fear is coming true. I am going to lose my church over something that I cannot control. I have another group that I attend on Wednesday that are Open and Affirming, so that might be my option. I can still be involved with a church, just not this one. I'm just scared. I have already been kicked out of one church. I do not want to have to go through that again, so it might be better if I leave before hand.

    I HATE THIS SO MUCH!!
     
  4. enterthearena

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    Let me start off by saying I can totally empathize with where you are right now. I was raised in the church. In Ohio to be exact. I lived there my entire life until I moved to California about two years ago. I was in your exact position not so long ago. The church was my life. I was a youth leader I was on the worship team.

    Everything on the outside said I was this good little Christian boy like I was supposed to be. Yet, on the inside, I was dying. I knew the truth about myself and knew that I couldn't keep lying to everyone. I knew that when I came out I would lose people. People I had known since I was little, people who were my friends. It wasn't until I was about 19 that I decided it was time to end the charade and, as I suspected, I lost people.

    A lot of people. I had people telling me that I had "Serious demons to deal with" and I had people sending me scriptures that God had moved on their hearts to send me (coincidentally they were all the scriptures that are interpreted to be against homosexuality.) It sucked. Much like it sucks for you now. people were always sending me messages saying that I should get coffee with them.

    I knew what they wanted. They wanted to "fix" me. To all of them then, and still many now, I'm broken. The worst part of it all was that I believed them. I thought God hated me because I was this abomination that wasn't supposed to be born. I receded into myself because it was the only place I felt safe. I guess I could write you a whole book on this but you already know what it's like.

    I'm not going to sit here and say "It gets better so don't worry about it." What you are feeling right now is so important even with how much it hurts. It has been a long journey for me to come to peace with who I am and who they see me as. I can't offer an easy road. It's just not. I can, however, offer hope and empathy. Many of the people then who demonized me and hurt me have come back and apologized to me. Not all have of course but a lot have, more than I ever thought would.

    I guess the only thing I really can say now is WWJD. I really came to understand the meaning of that when I went through what you're going through. Love those who hurt you. Understand that you have been given the opportunity to show people you're still you. Just because they know this piece of information doesn't mean you change who you are. The people and situations you are dealing with right now are materials for your life. They can either be rungs on a ladder to build you up, or bricks in a wall to hide yourself. Choose the structure carefully and Know, You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are worthy. You are loved.
     
  5. phoenix89

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    Thank you for your message. That is truly an amazing message and just what I needed to hear, thank you. I want to reach through the computer and hug you.(*hug*) I am also an Ohio person, so I can relate to you on that. Us Ohio people are an interesting group of people.

    I was not as involved as you were. Mostly because I have been pretty transient because of college, and later graduate school. I was raised in North East Ohio, spent 4 years in West Virginia, a summer in Kansas, and now I am back in North East Ohio.

    I have only told a few, and I am yet to get any of the so call "Clobber Verses", but I have got verses based on my belief of Universalism, which is were I believe that all paths lead to God and that all religions are true in a sense. I am battling whether I am an "abomination" or not. I know that I am only questioning, and have not made anyone one decision. I know that God does not hate me, but I am thinking that he might be punishing me for something. I don't know. There has been so much going on lately that I feel like I might be being punished. It sounds horrible, but the idea that everything happens a reason is making me question why I am going through all of this.

    It is not an easy journey but thanks so much for the hope and empathy. It is great that people can and apologized to you over what happened. That is amazing.

    It really is WWJD. He is what is important, not what anyone else says or does. It is Jesus, he is the one that is important. We are commanded to love each other, and I am trying to. I believe that hate is a sin, so I work very hard on not hating anyone.

    This is a wonderful sentence and I am going to keep it with me. Thank you for your message it was really helpful, and you are a great child of God. May your day be blessed.
     
  6. Theron

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    So...when did she choose to be straight?

    *hugs*

    I'm sympathetic, however. Being Jewish (my mother was Jewish and I chose her religion), I also face judgement in my temple. But even before that, I was subjected to therapy, drugs, and camps to "fix" my gayness. My Catholic father was physically abusive and my brothers grew up to be just as abusive. They've raised their sons to be abusive, too. They're fantastic Catholics.
     
  7. phoenix89

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    I messaged her back saying that he message did sound combative, even though she did not intend to and I mentioned the other church group that I attend and how it is open and affirming. I also stated that it was not my beliefs or preferences that have led me to this belief and I have had them for awhile.

    She messaged me apologizing and asked if it would be good or not for us to meet, because she did not want to form tension on our relationship.

    I messaged her back and told her that I accepted her apology, and that I needed time to think before we meet, if we were to meet. I also mentioned that I understand where she was coming from. I mentioned that there is already tension, and that I am officially leaving the church.

    I then cried and my friend asked if I wanted to buddy system, which is her way of saying do you want to smoke, and I did and I am not a smoker. Well church is now done.
     
  8. Straight ally

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    Have you heard of toxic relationships where a parents emotionally abuse their childs. Or when a husband emotionally abuse his wife, etc. One of the problems with those relationships is that is hard to go away cause the abused happens to love the person who commits the emotional abuse.

    Well in your case you love this church, and obviously from wha tyou have tell, not everything about the church is bad, we could even say, there are people in the church including that love you and you them. But still is a toxic relationship cause they limit important parts of your life, and that is not healthy for you, you deserve to grow as who you are, not as who they expect you to be. So good idea to cut the church from your life.

    Tinking about it is a good idea too. You cannot rush important decisions, but once you take a decision, be consistent and firm about it.
     
  9. Alexander69

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    This is why I don't go to church anymore..... I'm still Christian and I always will be but I won't go to church anymore I had a really bad expirience which made it clear to me that I wanted nothing to do with the church unless I absolutely feel the need.
     
  10. phoenix89

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    Sorry for the late reply, I needed some time away all of this, it is a lot to deal with. I have heard of toxic relationships. I am far too familiar with the idea of toxic relationships. I have experienced my fair share of toxic relationships. When it comes to the church, the people there are nice and I have not had a problem with them overall. However, the church overall is something I am just done with. I have not been there in three weeks. Funny thing, earlier today, I hid out in my dorm room so that I would not have to go to church. The church I attended meets in the building right beside the one I am living in, so hiding out was really my only option. They did mean a lot to me, which is why this hurts so much. I have thought about just getting dinner with them on Sunday because normally a fair amount of them, go to one of the dining hall after church. This way I can still be friends with them, but can avoid getting hurt by the church.

    I have not made anyone decision yet. I want to meet with her, but I do not know if I am ready to do so, which is the hardest part. She was such a nice person and I do not want to leave the friendship hanging like this, but I am still hurt, which is making this so much more difficult. I am truly lost on what to do.

    That is fine, I do not believe that church is necessary, but it was something that I have enjoyed doing. It was nice to have the community, but I have since lost that. Which really suck. I have had my own bad experiences, including being kicked out of a church when I was younger.