Help with some issues

Hello, I haven't posted here in a while and I didn't want to resort to complaining here about my problems, but I don't know what else to do.

I am currently a college drop out from last semester where I lost my motivation for school and my Social Anxiety forced my to stay shut in my room for all the semester. I moved back to my hometown and am currently staying with my parents. Because of my SA, I looked for a job that would not deal with people as much and found a job at Wal-Mart stocking groceries overnight. I realized after a few weeks that it was a huge mistake as I am treated very poorly and everyone ridicules me and tells me how slow I am. I often have to ask people to help me lift things much to their anger. I get yelled at everyday for my workpace and feel horrible most of the time.

I practically force myself to be happy and bottle everything up hoping that one day everything will change. I just go home and sit in my room everyday because I am tired and feel safe. This computer I have is my escape from how horrible my life has been derailed ever since I got out of high school.

My questioning over my sexuality has also given me problems and has feed into my SA. I tried counseling when I was at the University, but I have problems opening up.

My work is going to move me to overnight cashering which I think would be better than heavy lifting if it were not for the fact that I have SA issues with visible symptoms.

Part of me wants to go back to school, but the other part knows it is just going to play out the same as the last time I went.

I often think about suicide, but I know that I am too tethered here to do it. Although, it may not stay that way for long.

I don't make any effort to change or seek help which I know is all my fault for not doing. Maybe I am lazy, maybe I am afraid. I feel that this is all karma upon me for the things I have done.

 

Thank you for all the encouraging words, they really mean a lot.

@SongshiQuan: I am definitely younger than you by a little bit. As you relate to me, I in turn relate to your story.Thankfully, I have stayed away from drugs and the like. I only have one friend who I talk with every once in a while.
Don't worry I don't take it as bragging, rather I am glad that your life got better. I actually think that talking anti-anxiety meds would help me, if not in helping with my severe physical symptoms. Do you know how I can acquire them?
The hardest part seems to be controlling the irrational thoughts which sometimes I have control over, but other times they come back full-force. Thank you, I hope to hang in there too. There are too many things I want to do and to accomplish and I feel that I haven't touched the potential of what I can do.

@Nick07: I have been thinking of going back to school again in the fall. I am worried that with my SA, lack of motivation, and other problems, it will turn out the same as it did last fall. I have considered trying psychiatry again, but I don't know of any in my area and I don't know if I can try it again. I will work the Cashier during the night so it will not be so intense as the day. I do understand that with a Cashier job, I can be bullied just the same, but I think I can do it better than the physically rigorous position I am in now. I have never been a physically-able person.

@Superchicken: Hello. I think you are right. I probably need someone to complain to or chat about my day with. The only difficulty is finding the right person. I could definitely try taking a class to try and test out the waters again. The only problem is which one... thank you for the offer to be available to talk to, I will defiantly keep it in mind.

@Milan: Hello. I agree that going to the doctor and getting anti-anxiety meds would help me greatly as a first step. It would definitely at least help with the physical symptoms that I often stress over.
I would have to agree with taking small steps at a time and letting the other parts fall in place.
Do you know the best way of acquiring anti-anxiety meds from a doctor? I might start as a Cashier next week and I hope that I can try to get them by then. Also, my parents can see into my most of my bank accounts expect for one, but they may be suspicious if I keep funneling my money into my 'online credit-card' savings account.

 

@Song: No, I haven't talked with a psychiatrist before I think. I talked to some people at a health department before through something at the university I was at, though I don't know if they were psychiatrists.

@Milan: I don't think that I have a regular physician, though I think I actually do maybe. I haven't seen one in a very long time. I just asked my parents using my work as a excuse and they said that I don't have one. My mom has been pushing me to take shots for STD's (which is VERY suspicious about her reasons) and I need a regular physician for that. Using that as cover, I am going to talk to him about the meds also. My parents have insurance through Blue Cross and Blue Shield. I don't really want to take the shots, but I guess it works as cover? She is going to call for me for times since I work during the night.
I wondered if that was the case. I am willing to start taking them even if it takes a while.
I will definitely talk to them about those programs, I personally don't have very much money and I don't really want my parents to figure out about all of this.
Though I wonder if using their insurance they will find out...
Thank you for the luck.

To add: I also have scars on both of my upper arms from when I was a teenager so I don't know how to really cover those up for the shots... My parents like to spill things to other people so I don't want them to know about that or the meds or else it might turn out badly.

 

@MassiveDynamic: I can relate to you since I don't really like people either. My parents are not really the kind that I can tell things like this to, but it doesn't bother me since there are other people of whom I can get help from. Thank you.

@Milan: Ok, I'll have to make sure to ask about that. I have to wait until Monday to even call since they are closed. I pressured my mom a little bit about calling them, I think it may have made myself look a little suspicious.

I don't really want to take the shots since I am not good with those types of things. It would be nice to build an immunity for such things, but I doubt the effectiveness of such things. My right arm isn't too bad and I don't want to really want to be stabbed in the butt...I'll have to make a choice then.

 

@Milan: I'll make sure to keep you all posted.
@Foxface: I agree; medication isn't a fix for what is happening, but it will at least take some of the anxiety off me so I can start healing myself. I am a little afraid of the cost of doing meds plus seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist to be honest, though I don't know how much this usually costs. CBT sounds good, I'll ask when I go to the appointment.?

SA is really terrible. Today I suffered my face getting really red and sweating with nerves around this person of whom I have a suspicion likes me. My awkwardness paired with SA makes a lot of people think I like them. It doesn't help that I tend to stare down when I walk so I accidentally look at peoples AHEM, and I tend to look at people as a bad habit...

 

I am currently scheduled to go in Friday for an appointment. It is later than I wanted it to, but it was the earliest. I just hope that I can keep it together when I start cashiering...

 

Thank you.