Newbie on all levels, starved for support.

Oh, this is scary...

Not only is this my very first outreach beyond my 25 year marriage and more recent depression, but I really have no understand of message boards, if that's even the right term for what this is.

Here goes...

I had two boyfriends when my first son was born. All three relationships were deep, emotional and heartfelt. I've never been inclined to just fuck anyone. I was 17. One compassionate and quiet boyfriend was 21. The other a well educated entrepreneur was 29. My wife (to be, eventually) was 27. I was honest with her about my boyfriends, and she accepted me into a marriage even after I told her I'd want to continue my other relationships.

Even so I've never been unfaithful to her but once with the entrepreneur. He was on his second marriage and his only son was still quite young. We decided that our lust and emotional bonds were too powerful and would destroy both our marriages. We parted ways graciously and haven't spoken since. My wife suspects, but the endless unfaithfulness inside my head has been far more damaging anyway.

Our fourth child was born 2 months after I turned 22. I interpreted my wife's (surrogate mother's) jealously and steely controls over our relationship as a compliment; because it felt better than admitting I was using her to escape the shame of loving everyone I see, and the guilt of using her to run from unprocessed molestations and narcissistic parents. She had a plan, and I was a fugitive from myself, so I followed along as best I could between angry outbursts of suppressed emotion on both sides. The results are stellar. We have a picture perfect, model family that is the prize of our small, conservative community.

I was always attracted to my wife sexually, intellectually and philosophically. I also learned to love her in ways I wasn't good at in the beginning, but she doesn't trust it or feel it. She once loved me too, but she no longer feels that either. I don't know the last time we had sex. I count it in years now. I wasn't the one who cut us off. She was molested and emotionally dominated as a child too, and it's been easy to blame her lack of interest on my bisexuality.

She's an amazing woman, and like most women, ever so much more mature than I. My heart pours out with gratitude towards her for the joys and blessings she has added to my life that I alone could never have imagined or created. Since we are both so devoted to our children, staying together evolved into a fallback position. At her expense, I thought I had escaped the ravages or necessity of coming out.

We were comfortable in our misery until a mid-life crisis came calling for me.

In the early years, without a college education, I had to bloom where I was planted. I went from a busser to a veteran corporate general manager with national awards. Like the noble hero, I built a nice, solid self-confidence through my job. One debilitating stroke in the higher ranks, followed by a little corporate reshuffling during a recession, and my lucrative 24 year career came crashing down. No financial disaster, just the loss of my balls.

I make folks comfortable. So comfortable that most new acquaintances tell me they thought I was gay at first meeting. We don't talk about it, but my kids won't be surprised, and neither will anyone else if I just come out. No job, no education, no sex, no balls, no secrets, nothing to prove, no homelessness, no surprise. There's really no reason for me not to come out, but it seems in the end that only this relentless depression will make me do it. There's just no where left to hide.

I've so long been letting my wife tell me what to do, just to keep me grounded and sane, that I have no idea how to honor myself and empty the closet. I have this major urge to ask someone to tell me what to do, but that's irresponsible and repetitive.

But with every passing year, I feel more alone. This generally energetic, congenial optimist found himself contemplating suicide just so I wouldn't have to fail the world any further by being myself. That woke me up a little.

I was hoping someone outside my head could sit beside me as I sort through what's going on inside my head. I'm a fucked up mess who's pretty much drowning in that fourth stage of loss. If there is anyone willing to help me jump what seems like a deadly chasm from depression to acceptance, I could use a hand.

And a few pointers navigating this site would be a might appreciated too.

Whoever built this place rocks. I knew I wasn't actually alone, but I am around here. Thanks also to the folks whose forum's I read before writing this. Your candor and grace relaxed me off my anxiety a little.

BPC

 

Thanks for the instant support, guys.

greatwhale: I found your intent to tell the kids, and I want to follow the thread, but can't figure out how. You are very well planned. I wish I had that kind of forethought in reference to others.

The letting go concept made me chuckle: 24 year job, 25 year marriage, live where I grew up, late because I don't like to leave, a house full of stuff...you might have hit on a problem of mine.

thrnplvidj: I'll have to go figure out how you did that quote thing.

Gotta say, I'm not really interested in being 17 again. I'm barely starting to mature as it is. I think one of the only reasons I'm now ready to come out is that I might finally have the self control not to jump into it with reckless abandon.

Still Around: I did the repost into Later In Life as you suggested. That is a good place to look around too. Thanks for the heads up.

No, I don't have a counselor/therapist. That would be viewed as rather self oriented and pretentious in my current family. I'm reading James Hollis, which has helped embolden me, and I ordered some more on topic books yesterday "Finally out, A Pebble in His Shoe, etc."

 

StillAround:

I don't want to be the guy who was offered a breath mint and turned it down, so...

Did you ask about counseling/therapy because there is something in my communication that implies a lack of counseling? If so, would you be willing to respond if I promise not to take it personally but only use it for growth. If not, what makes that an essential for you, and would you be willing to expound on your perception of the positives and negatives of counseling?

Also, should I be responding here on the thread, or is it more appropriate for me to respond on personal pages (sorry to be a social internet idiot).

Thanks again,
BPC

 

That really helped, thanks a ton thrnvlpidj!