I couldn't really categorise everything I feel I need to get down, so I hope here is the right place. I'm also new here, so please bear with! I feel like I'm in this crazy place where I am just so lost and am really struggling to keep my head above water. I first came to the realisation that I was a lesbian when I was 13. I didn't feel comfortable joining in the conversation about boys, and in turn I felt a sense of shame that I didn't feel the way that all of my friends did. I tried to hide it, and push the lingering thoughts to the back of my mind, and I slowly became more introverted, quiet, and angry at the world. Around this time, I confided in a friend. I had known her for a long time, and we were close. After a few weeks, the taunts started. My friend had passed on my secret, and people turned on me like I was the local freak show. I had coins, chairs, folders and bags thrown at me constantly in class. I was made fun of, spat at, had chewing gum forced in my hair, and one time a bully hit my head into a wall. I started skipping school, stopped talking to everybody, and started to hate myself even more. I deserved this, because I wasn't normal. At 16, angry and depressed, I made a desperate bid to prove myself worthy of happiness and started dating a boy. He was nice, but it didn't feel right. I still tried my hardest, and I did everything I could to make him happy, but I couldn't do that for myself. He cheated on me, and this lowered my self esteem even more and after nine months we broke up. At 19, I found a little spark of hope, and started talking to a girl I knew through a friend. She was nice, and we got on immensely. I felt happier, and the social anxiety slowly started to ebb away. A few weeks later, my parents found out and it all hit the fan. They were angry, and even after 6 years they were convinced it was a phase. The way my Mum told me she was disappointed never leaves me. I want to say that this girl was my rock throughout it all. But, after a month or two she turned angry and turned into the bullies I had feared at school. She was aggressive and told me that nobody would ever be able to love me because I was so repulsive, and all the hard work of coming out of my shell meant nothing as I made a hasty retreat. Sitting here now, almost 22, the last 9 years have been absolute hell. The friends I have now are amazing and ridiculously supportive but I still can't find myself. One girl in particular has been amazing, and after 3 years I am pretty sure I am in love with her, but I know she is straight and I respect her enough not to create a big saga about it. The thing is, I know I am capable of loving others, but I can't find it within me to love myself, or find anybody, because I am sure the past will just repeat itself. In short, I know who I am. I don't like being this way, I hate what being gay has done to me, and I don't know how to get over it all. My parents have conveniently "forgotten" about the whole incident so it's a process I will have to go through all over again and I just don't have the strength. I am lost on so many levels, and I just don't know how to get myself onto the right path. (I'm sorry this is so long!)
Well, you may not know what to do, but you know where you are, and that's worth more than you think. I can't begin to imagine that level of adversity coming at you all the time, but I'm glad you see it for what it is-- bullying from people too scared and stupid to consider otherwise. There is hope; I think you're headed in the right direction.
You let it get to you too much because the person you trusted and the parents that you love hurt you pretty badly, and I dont blame you. sad thing is they probably wont ever know just how badly. the only advice I can really give is you really need to find some good and genuine friends you can talk to that are accepting and can relate to you, even if that means putting yourself out there on here. Maybe you'll find direction from them, figure out a passion, or be inspired, who knows.
I've been through some shit myself. Not as bad of course, but just remember that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. It makes you a richer person. One day, you will be sitting down with a group of people who care about you and support you. May even someone who loves you back. You just need to take that first step and find those people. Go out or move away and do things where you meet people. Because they are out there and when you find them, it will be amazing.
I think the hardest person to love is ourself. I know that I am more forgiving of others, more patient with their mistakes, and more prone to forgive. You have been hurt by too many people that you have trusted and who should have been loving and supportive of you. It is so easy to turn that around and claim it as something that you deserve because you are faulty in some way. Surround yourself with people who make you happy. BE HAPPY. Do things you enjoy. Don't waste your time on people who drag you down. Enjoy life. Learn new things. Explore your interests. Each new bit of happy will add to your self worth and confidence. Feeling your own worthiness, learning to really love and respect yourself, will draw people to you. You are still young and life is waiting for you to live it. Love is waiting for you too. Someone who is going to love you, support you, respect you, and treat you like you deserve to be treated is out there waiting to meet you.
Wow! I guess the schools are very different, fortunately the way people bullied me never went 'that far' if I need to classify it on a degree. But, that's very hard, it was very physical and not nice. We really are alike on that part, bullying made us hate the world, lose the trust on others and the most important thing, the love we need to feel at ourself. I'm at least glad that you know what you are, not in my case being all confused. But I say we need time to love ourself first, with faults and all, because without that it is very hard to properly love another. I wish you success I'm sure that, not only you but everyone going through this including me, will someday open our heart to new possibilities. Take a chance to think back and see what we gained from it, not what we think we lost, because I'm sure you wish to trust others, you wish to no hate the world, because it is still there. You, and I, and everyone going through this still haves that ability.
