No questions here, just venting and expressing myself. I typically always feel depressed and borderline "dead" on the inside. I've come a long way with coming out to people, but I still must have internalized homophobia and feel the judgements from society and religious family because I cannot, to save my life, find happiness or peace. I really do not even know what it feels like to take a deep breath, to feel relaxed, go offer a smile or laugh that is not forced. I've tried every antidepressant on the market to no avail (either they do not work for me or side effects outweigh benefits). I am not going into therapy with huge expectations because I don't want to be let down if it is not successful, but I am approaching it with an open mind and willingness to try. I truly hope, despite my social anxiety, that I am able to discuss my true feelings (that embarrass me) with my counselor. God I've gone on like this for as long as I can remember and the worst thought for me is that I will continue my life in this slow hell. I see so many other happy appearing gay couples who are "good looking", smiling, adopting children, confident, successful and I just feel so far removed. It doesn't help that I don't live in a diverse city environment either.
I've said this before, it's not a "gay" thing to want to be happy. Anyone can be unhappy for a number of reasons. Sometimes it just takes soul searching or some sort of self realization. For me, it was the adoption of the "fuck it, life will go on" mentality that allowed me to tell my parents I was done with grad school, I will be successful elsewhere. Now I am very happy in life. However I was in therapy and still am so don't think I'm just feeling like I'm perfect. It's a continual endeavor. I hope you find happiness and I think therapy will help you figure it out. (*hug*) Hang in there.
Therapy isn't a magic bullet, but with a good therapist, it can make an enormous difference in your life. Remember to treat the process of going into therapy the same way you'd do anything else of importance... spend some time to talk to several therapists and find one you feel you have a connection with, and don't be afraid to try several different therapists for a session or two each. Finding the right one for you might take a bit of time, but when you do, it's totally worth it.
