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Self sabotage

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Basic, Mar 17, 2014.

  1. Basic

    Regular Member

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    I'm never happy, no matter what I'm doing. I always find a reason to be miserable.

    I'm good at what I do, but I hate it. I'm always looking for something better, or I'm jealous of someone else and their situation. They got a better deal, and I'm getting fucked. I freaking hate that about myself and wish I wasn't such a self centered ass.

    So I was recently laid off from work, and to make a long story short. I was set up to fail; and me being who I am, I burned the bridge on the way out. (Pouring the gasoline weeks before hand) On the outside I'm telling people. "ah, fuck 'em, I'll be back to work in a few weeks." or "Blablabla, their loss" you know the Clichés. In reality I'm currently crippled by the self loathing and doubt.

    This couldn't of happened at a better time as my mental health was already on the decline. I've always struggled with depression, I go through really bad periods, often; but most of the time, I can take it day by day. People can tell when I'm in my moods, but they have no idea the extent they go to. They'll make a comment to me and I've gotten to the point where I can flip it like a switch and put my happy face on for them. In all honestly though, in the past 15 years, there hasn't been a day where suicide didn't cross my mind at least once.

    I had this post planned out in my head, but that last paragraph got me thinking. If you don't mind me digressing for a bit. The one and only time I worked up the courage to see a therapist I was majorly disappointed, and thinking back on it, I'm really pissed now. So I poured my heart out to this guy on my first session. He was the only person I ever confided in about my depression and being gay. I saw him for a total of two sessions, and in that time he threaten to have me hospitalized and tried to convince me I was transgendered. The second of which really makes me mad now because of how ignorant that was of him. Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I want to be a woman! While I tried to talk to him about other things that were bothering me, he kept rounding it back to my homosexuality. Fuck him.

    Anywho. Now that I'm unemployed though. I started thinking that maybe I can go back to school. The thing is I'm worried if I went back, I wouldn't fit in this time. I mean I'll be a lot older then most of the people there. Well not a lot; but enough. Also, I'd be leaving the union and damn good prospects for an unsure thing, and putting myself even further in debt.

    It feels like I'm at a crossroad, and it doesn't really matter what way I go, because things will always be shitty. What's the point?
     
  2. Basic

    Regular Member

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    Sorry for bumping, I'd edit if I could. Mods can lock or delete this thread.
     
  3. bingostring

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    well it sounds like that therapist was a complete waster ... what awful advice after 2 sessions!! honestly there are better out there and the talking process could help you figure out/ plan out a lot of things that are coming up for you ... is that worth a shot again???
     
  4. Meagan

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    If you desire to go back to school, I suggest you do so. School isn't about fitting in, its about getting an education, so if you ficus on that the fitting in will come naturally. I also (this is a guess, so don' t take my word for it if it doesn't match what you feel) believe that part of your problem with your depression comes from the belief that you can't enjoy what you do in life. College could fix that, you could find a career that is both fulling and financially satisfying.