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Worrisome Childhood Issue

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by PurpleGrey, Mar 17, 2014.

  1. PurpleGrey

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    Didn't know where to post, I just need to get this sorted out. I'm quite slow, and I don't understand things as well as I ought, so I don't know...

    I bitch about extended family members a lot, but something I never ever bring up keeps barging into my mind from time to time. I need to get it out and read responses, so here I go.

    It had to have been when I was quite young, as dad still had a house and we kids would stay whole summers for visitation. My younger cousin would sometimes sleep over. It happened one night that I was pining for some boy I liked and was kissing a Scooby Doo doll, pretending it was him. Girly things. Said cousin asked what I was doing and I told her I was practicing. Somehow, things turned to us "practicing" on each other, her idea. I went along with it, but I wasn't crazy about it.

    Then it got strange. I was on the lower bunk with my pants down or dress up, I don't remember, and she was touching me. She said I had to learn to like it, since that's what boys want to do. As the night went on, it came to kissing and touching that I sort of mechanically went along with. It was with tongue, and it felt unpleasant. I remember feeling sick at the taste and texture of it.

    This would happen again many nights when she slept over, I think. Later, when I was introduced to School of Rock, I would sing the songs from it with my crappy guitar I couldn't play. One song at the end has the word ass in it, and when she persuaded me to actually say the swear, the threatened to tell my dad about it if I didn't keep doing things with her. Keep in mind, I was small, and that was a big deal at the time. Even later, when I thought she'd forgotten, she pulled the threat out again when we were going to the pool, the grown-ups following some meters behind.

    Years later, when she and my uncle had a room at our house, we'd recently watched that South Park episode, D-Yikes. We were laughing at the line where s/he says "scissor me timbers", and she got me to get into position, so to speak. For the life of me, I don't know why I went along so easily. I'm disgusted at myself.

    I feel a lot of guilt over never putting up a fight. For some reason, I was also driven to act the same way with neighbor girls when I was still young, and that disturbs me. I mean, full on playing stripper with a friend in her room while the grown-ups were just in the living room. It scares me. I feel awful and disgusting about the whole ordeal.

    But what I mostly wonder is what sort of person that made my cousin, and why she did what she did, and at such a young age. Seven, I think. And I was older. I was older and did nothing. I can't understand that. I feel I can't even feel like she wronged me because I never protested in the least.

    Anyway, feedback would be appreciated. I know I should go to a shrink with this problem, but I don't have one yet, and there's no certainty I can get one. But whatever.

    Thanks if you read my whole post, if you have, you're quite patient.
     
  2. IsThisAName

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    Hey there, don't tear yourself up over it. You were a kid and kids don't understand these things. Sexuality really doesn't make much sense when you're young, and the things that she was asking you to do were sexually charged. That's confusing for a kid, and when you are a kid, you tend to be very trusting of people, so you did what she suggested. That doesn't reflect any poor character on your part. You were just a kid who didn't understand the situation, and didn't have the power to, so you followed her lead.

    I feel like I had to respond to this because I experienced a very similar situation when I was younger. When I was about 7 I guess, I had a friend who I'd known for awhile. She and I would stay over at each other's houses overnight all the time. One night she was staying at my house, and it seemed no different from any other night. My parents had already put us to bed in my room, and we were laying side by side in my bed with the lights off. She said to me that we should kiss, "like grown ups do." I said that I didn't want to. She continued to press on the issue and said it would be fun. So I turned toward her and let her kiss me. I remember opening my eyes during it because it felt really awkward for me, and I remember her saying for me to close my eyes. That was that and we went to sleep.

    I don't know whether this next thing happened on the next day or whether it was a different occasion, but she was at my house and she decided we would play house. I played house all the time with my girl friends so I didn't think it was odd, that's what little kids do. But she told me that I would be the "husband" and that I should call her things like "sweetie" and "honey" and say "I love you" while we were playing. So I did. (While I didn't enjoy kissing her, I remember that I felt good talking like that to a girl, so that was probably an early indication that I'm bi, but that's another story.) She also watched me go to the bathroom even though I told her I didn't feel comfortable. That was another awkward thing in itself.

    I guess I don't really know what the point of this is other than to tell you that you are not the only one who has been in a situation like that. I realize your situation probably feels different because she was your cousin, but you were a kid and you did not have the means or the knowledge to say "no," just as I didn't. Things like sexuality are just far too confusing at that age and you are not to blame, even if you are older than her. I've never told anyone besides my mom and my best friend about that, so it's nice to know someone else was in a similar situation.
     
    #2 IsThisAName, Mar 17, 2014
    Last edited: Mar 17, 2014
  3. thrnvlpidj

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    Can you talk to her about it?
     
  4. PurpleGrey

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    We're not on speaking terms, but that's for an entirely different reason.
     
  5. TJ

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    It's okay to wonder about the crazy things you did as kids, but don't ever dwell on them. Just as you said, "you were small", young, ignorant, and innocent. You can wonder all you want about why you didn't act differently, but that's how is with childhood actions. You can think all you'd like, but you'll never understand, so don't beat yourself up over it.

    The fact that you were older than her is irrelevant. People of any age can manipulate someone older than them, especially when you're kids.

    You don't need to feel guilty. You were the victim, the one who the wrong was done too.
    Also, your cousin was the one that initiated it. I bet you anything that she would take responsibility for it happening because it was all her idea. You simply trusted her.

    From the time I was 2 until I was 13 I was very good friends with a boy who lived across the street. I did everything with him and his family, and when we got to be about 8, we started being sexually curious. He would sometimes ask me to do weird stuff with him, and other times I'd be the one to initiate it.
    When I got to be about 15, I started really feeling guilty about what we used to do, and I felt ashamed. I don't know why I felt ashamed, but I did.
    I just thought about it more and more and wondered why I did what I did, and the two answers I came up with were 1) I'm gay, definitely an early hint, and 2) We were kids, honestly curious about EVERYTHING.
    Curiosity causes us to do so much stupid shit as kids, but we forget about almost all of it. Why should this be any different?
    I can't explain why you did what you did, you can't either - maybe a therapist can, but until then, why dwell on it?
    Dwelling on it obviously isn't doing anybody any good, so stop.

    It's okay to wonder and think about it, but don't let it get you down, and don't feel guilty about what happened.

    A side note -
    I don't know if you've read the book The Kite Runner, but that situation is somewhat similar to this one, though it's a bit more intense. Just an interesting text-to-world comparison.

    Also, both the boy across the street and I turned out to be gay. Funny, right?
     
  6. An0n

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    Growing up I was pretty close to a cousin. I don't know how it came about but one day playing house took on an adult tone. I guess I would have been about ten maybe. I don't remember us kissing (anywhere) nor touching, it was "dry humping" and continued for a while. I don't know how long, I just know the last time we engaged in those games she had started puberty (and not recently). I was younger and a late bloomer so I guess a year or two?
    We never talk about it but we're still on good terms. She's married with kids and I'm gay... I wonder if that ever makes her feel weird but shrug it off as she doesn't treat me any different and we always have a good laugh together.

    If possible I think you should leave it in the past and focus on the present/future.