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Walking away from my loving and supportive family cause I'm gay

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by ssspro360, Mar 19, 2014.

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  1. ssspro360

    ssspro360 Guest

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    So, recently I have been coming out to people that I am a lesbian. It's def not easy but I have this amazing girlfriend who has been there every step of the way. She asked me the other day if I would introduce her this summer to my parents as my girlfriend and I told her that when I come out to my parents that will be the last time I will ever talk to them. She looked absolutely shocked and her jaw dropped. My family is super close knit, not religious at all, we are spiritual, but not religious. They are the most supportive family ever. All my friends say my parents are the most amazing rents they've ever met and so on and so on.

    I come from a family where everyone is perfect. I was even perfect. I was a pro snowboarder who lost their career to an injury but its okay cause after my snowboarding career I became a Division 1 athlete on one of the number 1 cross country teams in the nation. I won a Pac-12 title, always had the best internships, was everyones friend, super good at everything I put my hand to. Thats just who I am. I work my but off and am a complete perfectionist. My family is also perfect my mom has that perfect rags to riches story and my dad was a non-profit lawyer for people with disabilities you might as well call him ghandi. As you can imagine everyone else in my family is perfect. Not only that they are the most loving family ever. But we have all had these roles that we wrote for ourselfs of how life will be. And me being gay was NEVER in that plan. Because I come from such a hegemonic family it intimidates me that I am gay. No one else in my family is gay and I know that being gay isn't hegemonic at all infact its the complete opposite, and also far from perfect. I feel as though when I come out my parents will be nothing but supportive and loving but I don't want to be apart of my family if I can't be perfect. I never want to speak to them again because I know I will have let their plan down, not only their plan but my plan as well.

    I've told a couple of people that when I come out that that will be the last conversation I ever have with my family and they think it is weird. Even if its not I know my relationship with them will suffer and will never be the same. I feel so alone with this thought and feel like I am not good enough for them or me. I feel like this is just one more flaw that is added to my plate and I do not have time for an environment that I will constantly realized I am flawed in.

    Does/has anyone else ever felt like this? Or known someone else that has felt like this? I could really use some advice or something.

    Thanks.
     
    #1 ssspro360, Mar 19, 2014
  2. rainmustfall

    rainmustfall Guest

    Nobody, I mean nobody is perfect. I am sure every person in your family has some secrets, some things that they have done that they just don't talk about. Heck I know that I am far from perfect. I just went and fell in love and messed up the best thing I ever had, all because I simply can't help how I feel. I am never ever going to give up on this person though, and I am still in love with them with my entire heart and soul. I think even if you have resolved to do this, you may be surprised to find that your family may not give up on you. Love is a very very special thing. My advice is to not throw that away, and cherish them if they accept you. If they don't they don't, but don't give up on love, not for anything.
     
    #2 rainmustfall, Mar 19, 2014
  3. ssspro360

    ssspro360 Guest

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    Oh theres absolutely no doubt in my mind that they won't accept me. I'm the shit they love me I'm their only child they'd take 100 bullets then get dragged across the street for me. They will absolutely love me no matter what ever happened thats like the last concern in my mind. I want to walk away because I don't want to be apart of a family/environment where I feel flawed. I will always be reminded of it. I will always know that I am not the hegemonic breed they wanted me to be. I live across the country from them. So in essence it wouldn't be the hardest thing to write them off.
     
    #3 ssspro360, Mar 19, 2014
  4. KWDBM

    KWDBM
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    Are you sure that your parents see homosexuality as a flaw? You seem to believe they will, and the OP sounds like you think you "used" to be perfect but aren't anymore because you are gay... Why can't you be gay and be 'perfect'?

    I wouldn't be so quick to walk away from what sounds like a pretty awesome family. Not everyone is lucky enough to have such a supportive, close family like that, why would you turn your back on them just because you *think* you'd be the "flawed" one? You have no idea that's how they would react or see you, and have no idea that you'd actually feel "flawed" around them. Maybe, just maybe, you should try to change your way of thinking instead of shutting out family; You aren't flawed just because you are gay.
     
    #4 KWDBM, Mar 19, 2014
  5. An0n

    An0n
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    Yep yep yep. Sometimes the biggest barriers are put in place by ourselves. Your family love you and have treated you well over the years. Sometimes peoples ideals change through meeting people, or people they already know revealing something. Have a little faith in them.
     
    #5 An0n, Mar 20, 2014
  6. DeLuna

    DeLuna Guest

    Why can't there be a "perfect gay person"?? :/
     
    #6 DeLuna, Mar 20, 2014
  7. apostrophied

    apostrophied
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    You do realize that your walking away because of your own insecurities will hurt them enormously, right? I think you need to accept yourself more and then you won't feel the need to walk away to avoid tarnishing your family. Harming your parents, whom you said would do everything and anything for you, doesn't strike me as a good option at all.

    Good luck, and I hope you are able to feel better about this.
     
    #7 apostrophied, Mar 21, 2014
  8. bingostring

    bingostring
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    Is 'self-hatred' behind this perfectionism and worry.. in which case re-evaluate before you hurt yourself AND your family!!
     
    #8 bingostring, Mar 21, 2014
  9. Brave Prince

    Brave Prince
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    I agree here. I believe you are creating a concern where none may exist. If you can get outside the box enough to be gay, you can accept a variation to your definition of perfect.

    I just told my wife I am gay, thinking it would ruin our marriage. If anything, it looks like it made us stronger. Take a leap, leave your preconceived notions behind and let faith a love work their magic.
     
    #9 Brave Prince, Mar 21, 2014
  10. An0n

    An0n
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    There can be. I'm living proof. (^_~) (!)
     
    #10 An0n, Mar 21, 2014
  11. AKTodd

    AKTodd
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    It seems to me you are having more of an issue with not liking yourself or internalized homophobia than ant kind of accurate assessment of your family's reaction.

    Virtually everything you're talking about is focused on how you are feeling or think you will feel, not about them. It makes it sound like you are more looking for an excuse to cut off contact because you feel shame about being gay than about them.

    If being gay is 'flawed' in your mind, then doing what you propose will still leave you feeling flawed (for no reason - there is no such thing as a perfect family) but now you'll be alone and will also have hurt your family for no good reason.

    I'd suggest that a better use of your energy would be to work on learning to like and accept yourself as you are, not as you seem to have imagined yourself to be.

    Todd
     
    #11 AKTodd, Mar 21, 2014
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