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SEX...Perhaps not for young'ns?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by BookDragon, Mar 19, 2014.

  1. BookDragon

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    Sex!.

    Now that I've got your attention...seriously, sex. This thread is about sex.

    So I'm sitting there answering questions on my dating profile and I look at the section where it tells you your personality (based on the answers you gave compared to other people your age).

    So apparently according to this thing I am SIGNIFICANTLY less sexually motivated than 'other bisexual girls'. Which may well be true. The problem is the way it shows the graph it makes it look like I have no interest in sex AT ALL. Seriously if you looked at the chart you would think I was asexual or hated sex or something!

    Which is complete nonsense. I know I want sex and I really want to enjoy sex, I just wouldn't feel comfortable doing the sex with someone I didn't really care for and trust.

    Anyway I was talking to my bestest of best friends about this and he laughed about it.

    I expressed (in fairly uncertain terms) that there are certain...things...I would like to try sexually. Ah screw it I can tell you guys. Thing is, while I have no experience sexually at all, I really feel like I want to have a sexual relationship with someone. Specifically someone who would make it fun. I really want to be with someone who likes the idea of typing my wrists together with a tie and hooking them onto the bedpost. I like the idea of costumes! I have all these little fantasies that seem like they would be amazing fun IF I found the right person.

    I told him my concern was that if people looked at that chart and thought I didn't like sex at all, I wouldn't find someone who would do these kind of things. I said that quite honestly, I really want to be able to enjoy sex and I'm worried that I'll end up with someone who thinks that enjoyable sex is do it once, shoot the load and then go to sleep.

    He laughed at that and told me that I had no idea about sex (which is true). I guess he thinks that my idea of what 'good' sex would be is like some sort of game which ends in sex, and apparently that's not right.

    Basically, and I really cannot believe I have to ask this question, what in the holy hell is sex? Am I really unlikely to find someone who agrees that the fun part of sex is the buildup and the sex part is the icing on the cake? Or is it more likely that I'll find that most people will go for a bit of the first bit and then just want to screw (not that I have a problem with that necessarily, it's just not how I'd choose to do it).

    So yeah...if ANY of that made sense to anyone, got any thoughts?
     
  2. SemiCharmedLife

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    Seems legit to me. There's more to sex than orgasms. Not that orgasms aren't nice, obviously. Plenty of people like role-play or other things to make sex a bigger event than just that 5 seconds of nirvana. You just need to find a partner who does.
     
  3. Chip

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    What we know from the sexology literature is that, for the most part, men and women view sex very differently. (This is part of why hetero sex is often rather unsatisfying for both.) Part of this appears to be biologically wired, and part of it may be conditioned. The information I'm conveying is normalized to straight people but appears to, for the most part, apply equally to lesbians and gay men as well.

    Women generally much prefer the cuddling, touching, foreplay, romance, and are more likely to want to take things slowly. The "icing on the cake" metaphor is a good one.

    Men are more likely to be more interested in the "main act." Many are most interested in simply getting to orgasm. However, the ones who genuinely care about what their partner wants have learned that the foreplay and cuddling and other activities before and after are just as important, and perhaps more important, to women and so some straight men are quite good at it, not so much because it's what they love, but because of *who* they love and wanting to make them happy.

    I haven't seen any studies specifically about gay sexuality, but among the gay men I've spoken to, it seems to be a mix: Some of them genuinely enjoy and appreciate the cuddling, foreplay, and romance leading up to sex, while others are more like their hetero counterparts.

    Unfortunately, I don't have any data, anecdotal or otherwise, on lesbian sex.
     
  4. AKTodd

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    Based on what you've written it sounds like you would want to be in a relationship before getting into sex and that you are into roleplay and light BDSM. There are entire industries built on providing for those last two and I would suspect the people into them are going to prefer a bit more than 'wham, bam, snore', although there will be variation within the group just as any other.

    I would suggest being upfront about what you are into (assuming the profile allows that) in the free text part. If the profiles can be filtered based on the sex factor you are concerned about, you may need to tweak a bit. You might also look into any communities of those into sexual roleplay/BDSM as they would seem likely to contain people with similar interests.

    Hope this helps,

    Todd
     
  5. White Knight

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    I think everyone's opinion on sex is different. I mean for most guys I know a blow job is sex... for me, a person who is doing it since he is 7 or 8, it is a burden sometimes and not really sex at all. People put too much importance on that stupid act.

    Let me put some background info so you can understand how I see sex.

    As I said I started fooling around with boys when I was 7 or 8. I had very active and not very picky sexual appetite till 25. During my military service I met with that guy, understand what love really is*. After MS is out of the way I had one more encounter and found sex hollow, meaningless. Made a vow to never be with anyone unless they win my heart (yeah that is very Red Sonja of me) and since that year (2000, or with my favorite term, last century) I never had sex with anyone.

    That doesn't mean I lost my sexual urges or something. Just when comparing pleasure with gain, I think one nighters or non serious flicks doesn't worth time and effort you put into act.

    Hmm I think I distracted a bit... anyway in short according to my experiences, any act resulting with ejeculation/orgasm is sex for people.

    For idiots like me it is last stage of bounding with someone and very sacred... that could mean something if we were in medieval times but in today's world sex sells, it is the main reason people come together or search one another.

    From what I heard or see around here, while every gay guys cries for love they dive into every guy's pants. So I think sex matters... too much. Oh and then very same gay guys complain when heterosexuals think being gay is all about sex, not about love.

    Anyway here is my 2 cents.

    Edit: * We were not in love unfortunately. I loved him he loved the sex but I've learned my lesson. Thanks.
     
  6. BelleFromHell

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    I feel the same way. I couldn't stand having sex with someone I don't REALLY, REALLY love either. Plus, I heard BDSM and roleplaying makes sex more orgastic, so of course I'd be willing to give it a try. :lol:
     
  7. emkorora

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    Yes, plenty of times the romance and "foreplay" preceding sex is better than the sex itself. Because it tells a story; it is the journey.

    It's just a matter of finding the right person.
     
  8. Theron

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    When it comes to my personal sexual needs? It's all about the main act, definitely. But when it comes to my fiance (and long-term sex partner), it's all about how long I can torture the hell out of him! >) Yes, I'm a bit on the sadistic side.

    To be honest, we never instantly leaped into bed together. I've been burned before (and by burned, I mean raped x.o) and the first night we spent in a bed together, we spent most of the time talking and kissing and cuddling.

    But it wasn't until I was more certain I could trust him, and it was honestly one night post-coitus that I learned he was a keeper. XD

    To me, sex is about building on a relationship, nurturing trust and love. It's just also really awesome that it feels amazing.
     
  9. Seagypsy

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    I have no sexual experience either, aside from masturbation, but I want it, just in the right context, which seems nearly impossible. To me, having a great night out with someone I really have chemistry with , just talking and laughing, is better than all the casual sex in the world, and last night proved that :slight_smile:
     
  10. Radioactive Bi

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    There is so much more to sex than just the act of intercourse. What you describe is just as much a part of the sexual experience. People who say that doesn't count really have a narrow view on it. Believe me, I have tried all sorts of stuff including experiences similar to what you have said. Everyone had their own tastes and preferences.
    The key is to find someone you can get close too and trust, and who you can explore your sexual desires with. Remember, one persons idea of great sex may be a complete turn off to someone else.

    Finally, unfortunately these test are often not that great. There are so many ones and they all give different answers. Some of them get me spit on and others are not even in the bell park. If you need it for the site, I suggest you redo it slowly, and think how the answers affect the charts at the end. Even the answers may not all be your first reaction, the overall result may come out better...

    Hope this helps,

    Happy days :slight_smile:
     
  11. Closure

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    This.

    If sex ends the night that's perferect.
     
  12. stocking

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    I'm a person that is very sexual but I think the buildup to sex makes it special