This is something that I've struggled with a lot. I've known that I'm gay for a couple of years now, and I thought that I had gotten to accept myself; but there are times when I feel really disgusted with myself. I've tried to embrace the fact that I'm gay, but it's just so hard. It's really taken a toll on me, my relations have suffered, my grades have dropped, I feel unmotivated to do anything, time flies by really quickly, I hang out with friends less and less. It's like there's a barrier between me and everyone and everything that I love or care about, and it hurts to the point that I've lost sense of my emotions. Everything is numb for me. I don't care about other people, things I used to love no longer bring me joy, I have no drive to pursue anything, it's as if I'm on auto pilot. It feels like I'm living a lie; which I am. Every time I think about coming out, it just disgusts me. I know I'm sexually attracted to men, but I fear that once people know, that's all I'll ever be. I won't be Wesley, but that gay kid. A peer of mine came out a couple of years ago, and he was just like anybody else. Now his only friends are girls because all of his guy friends stopped being around him and no one treats him the same. I can't imagine myself in a relationship with a guy. It's just off putting to me, I can't place it. I wasn't raised with homophobic parents, but sometimes it's as if I'm a bit homophobic of myself. Other gay people I'm completely fine with. But I can't seem to let go of the straight me that I wish was there. Lots of beautiful, talented, funny and intelligent girls have asked me out, and every time I would try to be with them. They were very attractive, but I just didn't have the sex drive that I do with men. And gay sex is still very gross for me, I just feel so lost and alone. I've never thought about suicide and I don't think I will, but living like this is so draining. It feels like I'm running a race with no finish line. Could anyone advise me on what to do? Any help would be extremely appreciated :help:
Well, If you loose friends over coming out, then they weren't really your friends to begin with. Friends are like family, they should support you regardless of what makes you you. I don't want to sound intolerant here, but are you 100% sure you're gay? from what I have read it would seem to me that you're more Bisexual with a preference for men. When I came out to my Father(which scared me shitless) as Transgender... my other family members thought he would throw a few fists my way, Because he is kind of intolerant to anything that isn't heterosexually White. When I came out to him, he told me "I can't stop you or change your mind, The only thing I can do is Support you as my Daughter" When I came out on facebook to kind of seal the deal that I would be living full-time as a woman... I was scared but because of support from my friends and family who've I told, and from members on this very forum, I mustered up the courage to do it, I think I lost like 20 friends(out of like 400)? However I paid them no mind When i came out I put at the end "You can unfriend me if you want, it doesn't matter to me, I have enough support from Friends and Family that your intolerant views won't hurt me". From a friend perspective in life I didn't loose any... The point I am trying to convey is that you never know where support will come from, and you'd be surprised by whom it comes from. People are like books, with the pages stuck together, You'll never know whats between those pages until you rattle their cover hard enough
Thanks for your help! I'm glad to know your coming out went so well Honestly I'm still a bit confused bout my sexuality. I can't jack off to women, only men, so I assumed that I'm gay I really like the simile about books and people
you'll be fine You worry too much about what people think, Put it this way, if I gave you the power to live your life the way you dreamed it would be, what would it look like? and if you say 'I want a wife + kids', you clearly have a long way to go. it really only starts by accepting yourself first, and then build from there The ultimate goal is happiness, and I guarantee that if you had just one friend or family member who was ok with you being gay, you wouldn't be feeling disgusted and shameful. So why not build on that? it could be as simple as coming back here and talking on the forums and answering peoples posts, ask more questions/advice, build yourself you know? and in to time you'll be more aware about things.
