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Age difference between me and the girl I like

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by IsThisAName, Mar 20, 2014.

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  1. IsThisAName

    IsThisAName
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    Well, I have an issue. Me and this girl have known each other for a couple years now and over the past four months or so we've gotten extremely close to where we're now best friends. We met online and she lives like a thousand miles away in Canada so we've never actually met, but we talk on the phone and have Skyped so I know she's legit. I started to have feelings for her a couple months ago but I didn't say anything about it because she was with some other girl and they were friends with benefits, but that's over now. The other night she got super drunk and we were texting and she went on about how cute she thinks I am and how much she likes me. I told her she's just drunk and needed to go to bed lol. The next day (yesterday) when she was sobered up I asked her if she actually liked me or if it was just the alcohol talking. She said she does like me and it's not like a crazy big crush but she definitely likes me. I like her too so I told her that. The problem is that I'm about to turn 21 and she's about to turn 17, and I know that's a huge age difference. I have a friend who's 22 and he's dating a 17 year old, so I talked things over with him and he told me that before he dated this guy, he really looked into things and said the age of consent is actually 16 where he lives, so he knew it was legal. He then looked up the ages of consent in both our areas and it's 16 in both as well, so I know it's at least legal.

    I wanted to get other people's advice on what you think about this because I'm stuck. I like her a lot and she's definitely mature for her age. I know girls mature a lot faster than guys so somehow it feels different than if I were dating a 17 year old guy. I know there's issues with us being in different stages of life and stuff, but I just wanted more people's advice on whether you think this is okay and if I should move forward or just continue being friends and wait till she's older. My parents are 4 years apart as well so I know it wouldn't be a big deal at all once we're older, but I'm wondering whether it's ok right now. Any advice would be appreciated. :slight_smile:
     
    #1 IsThisAName, Mar 20, 2014
  2. stocking

    stocking Guest

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    I think it's ok to date just no sex until she turns 18 just keep that in mind you follow that rule and your fine .
     
    #2 stocking, Mar 20, 2014
  3. An0n

    An0n
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    Four years is nothing.

    My first love was online funnily enough. She was 3 years my junior. We were together for over a year but I let her go because I felt she needed to go live her life and grow. My biggest regret.
    Don't regret never giving it a chance.
     
    #3 An0n, Mar 20, 2014
  4. IsThisAName

    IsThisAName
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    Thank you both. The main thing that creeps me out a bit is that she's a year older than my little sister, but my friend who's dating a 17 year old said you get over that quickly, especially if they're more mature. Haha the other day when she was drunk I told her she was too young (because I thought the age of consent was 18), and she understood but wasn't too happy lol. "But I'll be 18 next year!!!" I really really like her but I'm gonna think it over, I don't wanna take things too fast because I don't want to change my mind and end up hurting her. Plus I know I need to come out to my mom first if I do date her because my mom is going to find out eventually. Thank you so much!!
     
    #4 IsThisAName, Mar 20, 2014
  5. An0n

    An0n
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    No problem. It's all in a day's work. (^_^)

    Best of luck in your coming out.
     
    #5 An0n, Mar 20, 2014
  6. Chip

    Chip
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    4 years at the ages of 17 and 21 isn't insignificant. But it's probably at the cusp of workable. So much depends on the relative maturity of the two poeple. I wouldn't rule it out, but keep focus on keeping balance in the relationship and you should be OK.
     
    #6 Chip, Mar 20, 2014
  7. IsThisAName

    IsThisAName
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    What do you mean by keeping balance? Sorry, just wanna make sure I understand. I need all the advice I can get :slight_smile:
     
    #7 IsThisAName, Mar 20, 2014
  8. fairyprincess

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    Age differences mean nothing for a real relationship, honestly. It's all about being responsible legally. And if it makes you happy, go for it! Age can't stop you.
     
    #8 fairyprincess, Mar 21, 2014
  9. IsThisAName

    IsThisAName
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    The age of consent is 16 in both our areas so it should be fine! Us and a mutual friend have made plans to meet after she turns 18, so we won't have sex or anything like that when she's a minor. I'm gonna ask her out tonight or tomorrow! I'm really excited. Thanks so much guys!
     
    #9 IsThisAName, Mar 21, 2014
  10. An0n

    An0n
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    I can't wait! Good luck!
     
    #10 An0n, Mar 21, 2014
  11. Anthemic

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    I dated a 24-year-old woman when I was 16. The age of consent in AL is 16 so it was legal. If the age of consent is at least 17, then I don't see how it would be an issue. I think age of consent is 16 in Canada, right?
     
    #11 Anthemic, Mar 21, 2014
  12. Chip

    Chip
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    Age differences DO mean something and 4 years at age 17 is significant.

    There are separate issues: what the law says, and what's emotionally healthy for both parties. The issue that most commonly comes into play are the relative levels of emotional and psychological maturity, and how those play out in other ways, such as financial stability.

    The problems arise when one person is significantly more mature emotionally/psychologically, and/or has a lot more income/resources/financial security. It tends to create an imbalance where one person becomes dependent on the other.

    The dependency can take many forms, but it tends to form a relationship where the older person has a need to "take care" of the younger person in one way or another, and the younger person, in turn, wants to be (or accepts being) taken care of. That fosters unhealthy codependency, and usually has the effect of keeping the younger person from developing maturity, independence, self-confidence, and self-sufficiency.

    Is it an automatic deal killer? No. And imbalances can occur among people of the same age, or even reverse ages (the rich twentysomething dotcommer and the 40 year old retail worker, for example) But problems in age-gap relationships and unhealthy dynamics are more common than not, and the issue is, usually the young person, having no experience, doesn't see the issues, and while in the relationship, doesn't see the unhealthy patterns until it gets so bad that s/he decides to get out of it.

    A 4 year age gap is typically less imbalanced than say a 10 or 15 year one where the younger person is under 25, but it can still have a lot of elements that aren't healthy for the younger person. If both parties are actively aware of, and working on, the issues, then it can be healthier, but it requires constant self-awareness and evaluation by both parties (and lots of communication) to ensure that the relationship grows in a healthy direction.
     
    #12 Chip, Mar 21, 2014
  13. DeLuna

    DeLuna Guest

    I personally would stay away from dating minors.. Someone has to be at least 18 to date ME.........
     
    #13 DeLuna, Mar 21, 2014
  14. IsThisAName

    IsThisAName
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    Yeah it's 16, I checked. I initially backed off whenever she'd flirt with me because I thought the age of consent was 18 and I didn't wanna mess with the law lol. She's turning 17 on Sunday. Probably sounds weird to some that I'm almost 21 and she's 17 but idk man she's really mature. Thank you for your advice, I just needed to hear from someone that it was like, okay, haha :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 22nd Mar 2014 at 12:58 AM ----------

    Chip, I see your point. Thanks for clarifying :slight_smile: We live far away from each other and won't meet for at least another year and a half after she's 18, so I think maybe with us not living near each other there's less chance for the dependency issues. I will definitely keep that in mind though and watch out for it, I wouldn't want to do anything that was unhealthy for her. I'm 20 but I still live with my parents at the moment, so it's also not like I'm living as an adult on my own and everything, I'm still kinda at the same area as her except for me being in college and her being in high school. I'm basically dependent on my parents so I'm immature in that aspect I suppose. Hopefully things will be ok! Thank you!
     
    #14 IsThisAName, Mar 21, 2014
  15. Csp1993

    Csp1993 Guest

    I don't think there is a problem with it at all. I have been brought up around age differences, so I see absolutely nothing wrong (unless it's an 80-year-old with a 20-year-old). My parents have a difference in the TEENS, but they knew they were truly in love with each other. The rest of the family was unsure for a little bit, but when they met him there was no issue. I myself have liked this guy who is nine years older than me. If you are ok with it and so is your partner, you shouldn't even care about the age difference. I would advise that you make sure the legal age is 16 where you live though. Many states actually do have younger ages than 18. Only a few are actually 18. I think Hawaii's is 14. Anyways, I think you are completely fine if she's as mature as you say she is and the both of you like each other.
     
    #15 Csp1993, Mar 23, 2014
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