I dont really know where to begin.This is a really hard post to make and already freaking crying before even having typed much....I dont know how much I will be able to tell either,since I do have experiences in bottling things up inside...okay...this is probably a very sugar coated version but here goes: How does one cope when having told all your life that you are nothing but s**t?I suppose it should not matter that much since my dad has plenty issues himself.But he is my dad. Yes,he is manipulative,yes,he is emotionally abusive and yes he makes me feel like I am s**t.But I still love him.Still want to be there for him.True,I used to despise him,and often still do,but I try to see the good in everyone.I dont know why,since he hardly ever sees anything in me. How does one cope when knowing that he is desperately in need of help but beyond it by now.How does one learn to let go and stop caring? How does one cope when your own mother tells you nearly every day how much she hates the man and wishes that he would dissapear. How does one cope when guilt takes hold because you have had those thoughts yourself? How does one cope when you know how much he has screwed up the people around you How does one cope when hardly a day goes by without hearing the shouting.And feeling like you are responsible,even though you know you are not. That is all I am willing to reveal.Would appreciate advice. ---------- Post added 23rd Mar 2014 at 11:17 AM ---------- Feeling embarassed now.Maybe its good if no1 comments.Was trying to be brave,but suppose I should never have typed that.
Thank you for sharing that little bit with us. You may not have given us any reasons for your feelings but that fact that you shared this with us shows trust, and it is very much appreciated. Anyway on to your questions. How does one cope when knowing that he is desperately in need of help but beyond it by now.How does one learn to let go and stop caring? Ask yourself this. If you stopped caring, would you feel better? Would you even stop caring, or would you in fact just be pretending that you don't? It's hard to just 'stop' caring about a person. You know why it's hard? Because once a person gets in, you have to HATE them out. Hate is harmful stuff. It does nothing to them, but does serious damage to you. So I ask you again. If you 'stopped' caring, would you feel better? How does one cope when your own mother tells you nearly every day how much she hates the man and wishes that he would dissapear. I don't know what your dad did to cause your mother to hate him, but I do know this, she isn't happy. She is trying to hate him out of her life. Do you see what I mean? If she tells you WHY she hates him, how do you feel? How does one cope when guilt takes hold because you have had those thoughts yourself? The thing about guilt is that it takes hold for reasons we don't expect. Why should you feel guilty because you hated your dad for something? Does he deserve the hate? Perhaps, that is for you to decide. So why do you feel guilty? Because part of you still cares. One part of you still cares and the other part is angry. That's why you feel guilt. You have two emotions going to war in your head over the same subject. One of them has to stand down. Which one will it be? How does one cope when you know how much he has screwed up the people around you Look around this forum and tell me, how many people are 'screwed up' because of something (or everything) their parents did? I hope your answer was pretty close to 'everyone'. I'm not trying to make what you have been through seem insignificant or suggesting that you are complaining about nothing. What I am saying is that everyone has something that screwed them up. EVERYONE. Some more than others. You know how much he has screwed up the people around you. So make sure it was a waste of his time. Find the things that you've done, despite being screwed up and celebrate them. I'll get you started. Despite being screwed up by your dad, you are still a loving, caring person, I know this because you've said it yourself in your post. Be proud of that. Find these things in others and realise that people can screw you all your life but you can still come out of it. How does one cope when hardly a day goes by without hearing the shouting.And feeling like you are responsible,even though you know you are not. This one is more difficult. Hearing other people shouting is hard to take. It's a feeling I know well. I have found writing about my feelings at the time help sometimes. Other times I take a walk. Sometimes I lay on my bed curled into a ball and try and make the bad times end. Find something that works for you.
Thanks for the responses.Ellia-it is a very complicated situation and far from ''normal''.However will attempt to answer your questions.Stopping caring-no I would not feel better.I suppose I rephrased wrongly.People advise me to either detach myself or keep emotional distance and not offer my help.I am a carer though,but I suppose I tend to get too emotionally involved.When she tells me why-I understand and do not blame her.I feel that she should not really be sharing this information with me,but I understand her need to let it out as well(its a far from ''normal'' situation as I said before.Guilt and caring-caring will have to win at the end of the day.The rest-will attempt to be creative in finding better ways to cope,especiall with the fighting. ---------- Post added 23rd Mar 2014 at 12:01 PM ---------- Hi thrnvlpidj-Yeah its okay.Its an affectionate term after all.Struggling to put distance because I care...I dont know if it is financially possible right now either.But working on that.
So then it sounds like, for you, the solution you need is to find a way to continue caring without being emotionally broken. In which case, you appear to a couple of issues. 1. As you say, your mother uses YOU as a sounding board for her anger. If you can take this then it's OK, but as you say, it's not something you should HAVE to put up with, and it seems like you are really struggling with it. - Is it possible your mum could speak to a councillor or therapist...heck even a helpline of some description. She needs another way of letting these things out. 2. Caring for a person who doesn't care about you (your dad). Forgive me if I'm wrong, but from what you've said it appears that you and the people around you feel like you still care about your dad because part of you wants to win him over. To get him to say that you're a good guy just once. Sound about right? - Stop. It's not about him. You are doing it for you. Why do you care for a man who does nothing for you? Because you are a good person. Do you NEED to do it? No, of course not. But you do it anyway because it appears that is who you are. If caring about people makes you feel good about yourself, don't let anybody tell you that you shouldn't.
My mom will never see a therapist,I have suggested it to her more than once.Only I and my dad are supposed to apparently,and my dad refuses.I suppose I can ask her AGAIN to stop doing it in a nice way,but she always eventually carries on with it.Plus I feel guilty when I ask her to stop doing it. 2-No.It used to be the case.But it has changed.I do not know why I still bother.I know he will never see me in a positive light by now,so confused as to why I still try to be helpful and nice to him.Love/hate relationship I suppose. ---------- Post added 23rd Mar 2014 at 12:20 PM ---------- Caring-yes it is self-motivated to an extent I suppose.But not for approval or acceptance all the time anymore(it used to be).Not sure why,but still do it.Want to feel significant in some way I suppose but do not want to be complimented all the time either.i tend to not always be that good at receiving compliments.Its more a sort of your not as useless as you think type of motivating action I suppose. ---------- Post added 23rd Mar 2014 at 12:23 PM ---------- So yeah...I suppose I do still want him to accept me deep down...but doubt that day will come ---------- Post added 23rd Mar 2014 at 12:25 PM ---------- Sorry going to bed now.Will have to think of something more though since he is getting worse
I think there's a bit of "you looking after you" required here - because years of being put down by your father has probably resulted in serious feelings of low self worth and depression. It sounds like real emotional abuse. Not sure of your age, but my first thoughts are (i) whether you can get some physical distance from your parents, like moving out or staying away with friends or relatives some weekends etc (ii) whether you can share your thoughts with a trusted friend or friends (iii) getting it talked out with a counsellor or therapist (iv) talking 1:1 with your mother about how it affects you - you could have an alliance together so you are working more as a team. She would also appreciate that I'm sure (v) if your father is on medications, are there any chances these are not helping with his mood and maybe your mother could discuss with his doctor sorry if thats not very helpful but it was my first reaction to a complicated situation you are in
Hi bingostring,thanx for the comment. I am attempting to get some distance but it is not possible at the moment.I suppose I can stay at my sister's place now and then,which I try to do(might be a good idea to do that soon).I must find some kind of way to get out of the house soon though. Friends-do not have that many and people do not care all that much but think I know of someone. counselling/therapy-dont know due to finances but will chat to my mom about it and see if I can find a way to contribute talking 1:1 You are right.We used to.But then drifted apart.Should open up to her more though,(I do listen when she speaks to me).Maybe I can help her to understand me a bit better,but am not counting on it. My father is on no medications.When he was it helped him so much(just some happy pills) but then he went off them because he can not and never will admit that he has mental health issues and will just continue deteriorating while we have to watch.Its complicated. Thanx for the advice.PS ''looking after me'' is required.
Hey listen u have nothing to feel embarrassed about. We see all the horse shit u had to go through and we don't want u to feel that way. But in your words i can tell u r a very strong person u may not realize it yourself but I couldn't even imagine waking in your shoes. Reading your story made me cry and I just wanna give u a great big hug (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) and just know that all of the arguing is not your fault people may do that to u but u know u did nothing wrong believe me I know that feeling. And just know that no matter how dark of a place your in we're all here to support u and if u ever need to say something please do its not healthy bottoling up your emotions but letting it all out and getting support is were all here for u and were all standing by your side and no matter how much of a dark place your in i really hope the light will shine through to u and the world will be on your side and if u ever wanna write to me on my wall just know that u can talk to me about anything and that I will also be here for u (*hug*)
Hi.That was a really sweet post.Now I want to give you a hug...Here goes *HUG*.Do not worry too much about me though,I will get through this somehow.Trying not to put myself down in this message as a step in the right direction.Always here if you need someone to talk to as well.
You're caught in a crossfire. So, he's real nasty to you and yet you give a damn about him? I think that says a lot more about him than it does for you. He's an adult. If he refuses to get help it's his own fault. From what you have told us; you are kind and forgiving. If he says you're bad then he's projecting his own insecurities! It's not about being brave or cowardly. That doesn't matter right now. You need to at least get breaks from this situation to clear your head. To process anger I would go mental in a shoot em up game or listen to aggressive music. You don't have to direct the feelings at your dad. People don't always explode when they bottle up feelings. It's certainly not easy to deal with though. We forget how it feels to have a healthy environment and it can damage us. It can twist the mind and make you think the negative is normal. Hmm, those damn kids that bullied me in high school. When I went to college I let go. I had nightmares for a few years, although I made it. Here I am on the other side! You can't imagine how great and freeing it'll be when you get away from the environment. You might almost feel like a new person. There is hope yet.
Hi.Thanx.Thats just what I needed (I know what you have written is true).It helps when someone else puts it out though,so thanx for that.I did do the aggressive movies,music etc at some stage.Should give it another go(I t does help me to cope to an extent).I suppose I have become a bit desensitized by my situation to an extent.I used to hardly get shocked by things.I did overdo the agressive music/movies a bit,however,and was overmedicated as well,so I suppose I need to strike a balance(I get upset much more easily by things these days). I feel the most important thing what you mentioned is to get away from the environment.I will most probably have more perspective if I have distance and will be more happy,free and able to live my life. Thank you again for your comment.I feel more determined and motivated to do something productive about the situation now.
I think I have a few steps going in the right direction now: externalizing instead of internalizing.Being caring but distant at the same time.Not giving too much of myself away(if I am too open about my feelings then he uses it to his advantage later on).Being blunt by showing that I will not be screwed around with in a subtle yet effective manner.Not allowing him to see when I am upset(because then he is especially bound to push my buttons),concentrating on tapping into my creativity and what I am good at(which serves as an escape,and some income if I work hard enough at it).Saving up money again and setting a goal for moving out.Setting goals in general for a sense of direction.Spending more time with the people that make me feel good and less time with those that bring me down.I know some people may think I am taking a very cold,analytical approach at the moment but my sister is right in the sense of distance provides perspective and viewing him in a more analytical psychologically accurate manner can be helpful.I will probably care but I have to cut myself off to a certain extent.The situation is extremely unhealthy,abnormal and is not allowing me to live up to my potential,so will make myself happy before I attempt to make him happy.Besides it will be much easier to offer support and only when needed once I am out of the house and will have more perspective about the situation as well then. ---------- Post added 23rd Mar 2014 at 11:09 PM ---------- Sup2345-My pleasure. ---------- Post added 23rd Mar 2014 at 11:14 PM ---------- I feel if I seem more serious about getting what I want then he will most probably try to let me doubt myself and eventually back down when he realizes that he can not have that much control over me.I should learn to live my life.I really should.I am MUCH more capable of being happy than I realize.And if I carry on the way I have been then I will NOT live up to my potential.End of story. ---------- Post added 23rd Mar 2014 at 11:29 PM ---------- And I feel going to therapy will be beneficial as well.I have to get past this issue.Now I just have to apply all of what I wrote and not get too soft....tricky...but has to be done.I know I most probably sound like a monster to some people at the moment,but believe me the situation is SCREWED UP.I attempt to view it as too normal at times.If other people knew what was going on they would understand.Besides maybe I can help my mom to get out once I am out as well.If she lets me.I have to let go of my parents to a certain extent.I can not keep staying on because I care(which I always will).I have been extremely vague in details about this situation on purpose.If you guys knew the whole story then understanding would be easier.
Now I feel guilty for writing all of that....I feel bad....its just so hard....and that seems so self-centered as well....its just that I seem to be running out of options on how to cope....He's my dad...I don't know....I have to get out though.If I do then maybe I can also help give my mom the courage to leave.I suppose we are alike because we are too soft...but have to figure out a way of coping.Will have to think this through again. ---------- Post added 23rd Mar 2014 at 11:46 PM ---------- Will think of a better way to cope but am taking in all the advice given so far.Thanx for all the comments...I feel uncomfortable posting more about this subject so hope people will respect my need to not speak about this anymore.I will,however,work something out,I managed to in the past and know what mistakes I have made by now and what traps I fall into.Thanks for all the comments but now,I feel,it is time to externalize,not internalize,the answer will come to me more clearly later onwards.Thanx for all the advice once again.Best have a productive day and not upset myself by overthinking the issue.
I doubt you're a monster. A monster wouldn't have given a second thought to anything beyond their own desires. You are mentally beating yourself up. You can't blame your dad so you blame yourself. I've fallen prey to this pattern of thinking. It is almost impossible to see it for what it truly is. Other people can see it but not you. You have to take care of yourself before you can help others. It might be harsh sometimes yet it is true.
Your right.Emotional abuse(it is emotional abuse no matter how much i may attempt to justify that it is not)tends to make us irrational.I have to make myself happy before I make others happy.And people are too busy worrying what others think than immediately thinking I am a s**t person.Its true,I know that.Deep down.
