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The Nature of Forgiveness

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by katwat, Mar 23, 2014.

  1. katwat

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    I have been thinking a lot lately about the past. I have written about a lot of it here in one post or another and have done quite a lot of it the past few days. It stirs up memories and makes me feel angry again at people who have hurt me. Now some of these people have passed away and others are long gone from my life. There are a few that are still part of my life but I have made sure to insulate myself from them. They are out there but they cannot reach me or impact me to harm me.

    The majority of these people I have found a way to forgive for their words and actions. I still hurt from the things they said and did. I still can be saddened or angered when I think about them but I don't carry the rage and pure hatred for them that I used to. There is one person I just cannot get to that point with. When I think of her and the things she did I just boil. Right now writing this I am tensing up and feel like I am about to through a punch or kick the crap out of something. I just seethe when I think of her.

    Just a bit ago I found a thing one of my few nice relatives posted to facebook. It is a pretty picture with the saying "When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That's the message he is sending. - Thich Nhat Hanh"

    I just find that so annoyingly coddling to bullies and abusers. I know a lot of people are cruel because they were abused themselves but I know a lot of people who went through pure torture and they are kind, decent, caring people who go out of their way to make sure they never hurt a soul.

    I know there must be a mid-ground between holding on to rage and to a forgive/forget/make excuses for extreme. I just can't seem to find my way to it. I mean, I do forgive my father and don't hate him anymore. I do still hurt when I think of things he said and did and I wonder why he did them. I can pity him for being so small on the inside that he could only make himself feel big if he crushed others. But if he were still alive I do not think I could ever trust him to not keep saying and doing things that would wound me. So perhaps forgive but never forget?

    My husband's father used to beat him. He was verbally abusive. He blamed my husband for things he had no control over. My husband has found a way to forgive him and to have a relationship with him. He is often shocked when he sees or hears signs that his father has not changed as much as he would like to believe. He still hurts but he is a very kind soul and he actually has forgiven and done his best to forget.

    My mother was tortured by three of her brothers and one of her cousins. It is her story so I wont go into it more than that but it was awful and it was years and years. Her mother was horrible to her. She watched while one of my uncles beat the back of my mom's head as she was driving and yelled at my mom for smacking his hands and yelling at him to stop. Mom was the problem while trying to keep them all alive. Shame on her. I mean crazy crazy stuff and my mom not only has forgiven and done her very best to forget but she truly misses the people who tortured her and who have passed away. She grieves for her torturers.

    I just don't quite get it. I don't get to that point. I can forgive most of them for most of the things but I grieve more for the relationships that should have been than I do for the people as they actually were. I mean I did love my dad but he hurt me so much and over and over and over. I miss the fact that we never got to a good relationship. I wish he had been different so we could have had that. I remember the good times and I wish they had been the 90% instead of the 10%.

    My sister is still living. We still talk, but rarely. I can enjoy a conversation with her and I do love her. I do not like her very much and I probably never will because every time I have ever tried to have a trusting relationship with her she had said or done something extremely awful that just ripped my heart out. I dont share important things with her. I know that we will never be close. I grieve for that. I always wanted my big sister to love me and like me. I always wanted to get along with her. She lives nearly a thousand miles away and has for over 8 years. We get along now better than we ever have. I can forgive her for the stuff from the past but I think it would be foolish to forgive it. I will never trust her completely experience has taught me better.

    My big head spinning self therapy worry is that I am broken. I generally feel I have made the best I could out of a life that was full of bad things and bad people. Other times, like right now, I feel like I am still just wrong. That I am too hard, too cold.

    Forgive and forget. Never speak ill of the dead. Let bygones be bygones. All those nice little tidbits were repeated over and over but they always leave me thinking "yeah, right."

    How do other people deal with forgiveness? How do you deal with the feelings that remain even when you have given your utmost to forgive? Do you forget? Do you think forgetting is wise or foolish?

    Man I feel like banging my head on the desk would be less painful than thinking this stuff.
     
  2. Kasey

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    I had a huge blowout with by brother and his girlfriend this past summer and our relationship has changed. He didn't defend me or her even when we had it out. I groveled for forgiveness like in the movies but that was taken as sarcasm.

    To be honest it's better but I've apologized 2x and still got blown off. I will not go to the well at 3rd time. Kind of sad. I've moved away from home since then anyways.

    But I've forgiven but haven't been forgiven myself.

    I don't like thinking about it either. Last time I discussed this with anyone I got really angry over it.
     
  3. Hiems

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    The main reason to forgive is not necessarily to make amends or repair a relationship. Rather, it's to prevent you from becoming resentful and bitter. That starts to take a toll on your life, which should be avoided. Think of forgiving as mainly for your benefit rather than for that of the perpetrator. It's definitely easier said than done, as you are justified in delaying forgiveness by virtue of that person's cruelty against you. However, once you forgive, a large weight is lifted off your shoulders so that you can begin to move on with your life.

    You can forgive but never forget, and that can entail never trusting that person again.

    The best way to deal with the lingering feelings is the same way people become sober after drinking alcohol... which is time. Initially, I still had feelings of bitterness against the person. But since I took the leap to forgive, eventually the feelings faded for the most part. Sometimes they reoccur, but they're not as vindictive as they were in the beginning.
     
  4. Kasey

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    Bitterness hardens the heart. Hiems is right... you gotta let go sometimes. I have a family member who hasn't spoken to her family in a long time. She didn't even know her brother died until a year later. I don't want to ever get that way.
     
  5. White Knight

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    I can forgive things people done if I can rationalize them. If I can't, whenever I remember things I turn my head to otherside. Knowing some of the things are done and gone. Nothing can change them, neither facing them about those hurtfull time nor them saying they are sorry.

    I usually caught myself feeling happy all those bad things happen to me. This way I can know what lows a human being can go and how someone hurt one other unintentionally. I think we need bad examples as much as good ones in our lives... to grow up, to learn some hard lessons.
     
  6. katwat

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    I think one of the things that makes forgiving such a hard issue for me is how forgiving I USED to be. I so wanted to be close to my father that I would forgive him, trust him when he was being kind, get my hopes up that it was a new beginning, and then he would be a royal bastard and just crush me. It happened over and over and over.

    The same is true of my sister and my grandmother. They (especially my grandmother) could be so wonderful when they wanted to but then could just destroy me and it was always worse when I finally had let my guard all the way down and was expecting everything to be good.

    I still really have issues with my sister, mainly because she is the only one that still can impact my life even though it is through my mother instead of directly. I know what to expect of her and I do not fall for her b.s. anymore. I know she will do something amazingly insensitive and/or purposefully crappy so I am not shocked when it happens. I have learned to live with a disappointing relationship with her. It still sucks and it still pisses me off.

    What just grates at my nerves is that I dumped a ton of anger and resentment related to my father, grandmother, and sister and most everyone else a few years ago and it did life a HUGE weight. I can still feel hurt and pissed but it is nowhere at the level is used to be. My go-to reaction used to be full on rage but now it is more anger, hurt, confusion when I think about them.

    What I gained in letting a lot of stuff go was great. What happened as kind of a side effect of it though was I think of my cousin more now. I just boil when I think of her. When I get really angry thinking about her I think more about everybody else too which makes me even angrier at her. I can say in all honesty that my father was a bastard that said and did a lot of stuff that messed me up for life. One thing he never did though was any kind of physical abuse. My cousin was a whole different kind of evil.

    I hate how much power she still has over me and I would dearly love to end that. The more I think about it the more I feed it but it pops up all the time. I mean today I was laughing with my daughter and husband and just having a blast with them. I had taken a sip of soda and my husband did a really goofy thing and I started laughing. We were parked in a Walmart lot and I had to open my door to spit out the soda or it would have gone all over the car. Nothing but a great time right? Trouble was I was laughing so hard I was afraid I was going to wet my pants. I am absolutely terrified of the thought of losing bladder control. Being held down in someone else's piss and made to claim it as my own just worked wonders on my mind in a horrible way.

    I have had a baby. Any woman who's body does that knows that at some point during pregnancy (usually a few million times) the baby is gonna stomp on your bladder and it will either be a very close thing or you are gonna get a bit of a leak. My freaking evil cousin made that just horrible for me. It as a huge fear before I got pregnant and then when it happened I felt so dirty and it was less from the actually pee I was dealing with and more from the memory of her pee soaking up from grandma's mattress through my nightgown.

    I want to be a good person. I never want to wish ill on anyone. I don't have it in me to wish her a happy life though. I can't bring myself to pray for her or anything like that. I mean I seriously try but I start to play fill in the blanks and instead of happiness I wish her crabs or something. I just find myself gaining more comfort from the thought that she might be locked in an eternal loop of stubbing her toe or getting paper cuts or something than I do thinking anything positive about her.