I have no idea where to put this thread in so i'm just posting it in here for now. My sentence structure/grammar will be shit*y so please excuse that. For my background information, i'm a 19 year old lesbian who is deeply in the closet and only out to my closest friends. I'm a first generation Asian-American and I grew up with asian cultural values, but my family is not religious at all. I'm generally an extremely private person so not alot of my acquaintance/friends from my college tennis team, family members, or other people know that personal information about me as to me not talking about personal relationship very often. However, since last year ever since I came to college, my mindset has changed. In my first college class, I met this straight international student who's from Vietnam, strongly SUPPORTS same-sex marriage. As an Asian-American myself, i grew up thinking that most people from Asian countries strongly disprove of anything same-sex relationship-related. It was from that point that I began to expand my mind and saw that there's a whole other world out there. Last Spring, I came out to my first teammate on my tennis team, and I kind of regretted the way I came out to her since it was done over the internet. But what I got back from her was nothing but support. She was the one who helped and encouraged me to come out to this other teammate, who has showed support also. Since this year will be the last of my tennis career, I would like to come out to all of my teammates but i'm not close with majority of them. I feel like i just want to come out...just because...to get it there, but the subject of personal matters happening in my life never comes up. I'm just hoping that it will come up without me mentioning it because I want it to be a surprise and I HAVE TO COME OUT. Since this fear of coming out is taking over, I have yet to do anything physical with a girl but I've known all my life that I'm a lesbian. I remembered exactly the first time that I felt emotional connection to a girl, it felt right and that's the way it should be. Since that one time I've felt something for a girl, i've shut it away so far deep, and thinking that I should never feel that way again because it is wrong. I know this is mean, but I said no to my friend to come watch my first tennis home match of the season, even though it was important to me because she had the stereotypical half shaved, short hair lesbian haircut. I get uncomfortable whenever I'm seen in public with anyone who is stereotypical looking, but in private, it's a whole different story. Don't get me wrong, I have some gay/lesbian friends, but i'm picky about who i'm friends with because I don't want them to be seen as too "gay". They've shown me support over the years but I don't think that it's really helping. I don't want to come out to my teammates or family member and forever be seen as that "lesbian", because I don't want it to define who I am. It's just another characteristic of me. Last this is leading to me thinking about the future. I can't imagine being married to a woman, and being happy. It just seems impossible. What I can imagine now, is being married to a man with 2 kids, and being unhappy for the rest of my life. The future scares me. Also, it doesn't help with the fact that I don't have any older role-models who are couples, just lots of confused teens or young adults my age dealing with this process. tldr: 1) I can't come out to my tennis teammates, because i'm being weird. 2) I've never done anything physically with a girl...the closest thing i've done is just holding hands, and hugging but that's it 2) I'm so picky when it comes to picking lgbt friends, and i'm a very selfish person 3) I don't believe the future of being happily married to a girl is possible, because it just seems IMPOSSIBLE. 4) Tennis, work, and school is all fitting into my schedule and has gotten me busy to the point where I don't have to think about lgbt-personal relationships. I like it but I don't know what will happen if it's all done. 5) I feel too conservative and paranoid to deal with anything lgbt-related in public. 6) Last year, all the negative thoughts about having to deal with being a lesbian has gotten so bad to the point where I was literally making out with guys to every show (raves) that I went to, and it was not pretty. I was heavily drinking and doing E or molly to cope with the feelings. For example, one night I drank too much and had a total make-out session with 2 different guys on NYE, and during the process of sobering up that morning, i was sobbing uncontrollably to my friend in the car about how being gay is a "sin" and that i don't want to deal with this anymore. 7) It's hard to love myself Generally, i don't know what i'm trying to ask. Sorry, I just felt like I need a place to rant to because i've been struggling with these questions and thoughts since the past year. I want to do something, but my fears are holding me back. Also, it's pretty weird that I'm having these kinds of negative thoughts since I'm living in one of the most liberal city in the US (Seattle).
