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Not sure what I am. Gay / Bi / Streight? Help?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by HuntersSol1, Mar 24, 2014.

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  1. HuntersSol1

    HuntersSol1
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    Hey everyone,

    So I don't know what I am if in terms of am I gay / Bi / straight or just ill ? I will try offer all I can as openly as I can to see if anyone can offer me guidance.

    I am a 24 year old male who has been with the same girlfriend for 4 years (never anyone before this). The past few months I have gone off sex with her completely and don't find her sexually attractive at all and starting to question if I am gay or not but it's causing problems as she would like to have sex more often but I just can't find the motivation to do actually do it. I am attached to her emotionally but not physically.

    The kicker in this story is I have found an enjoyment for 'shemale' porn and find it very arousing which too me is a red flag something isn't right. I don't watch gay porn actively but I have in the past. There is something about 'shemale' category that I find really big turn on. I do watch 'straight' porn from time to time too and can easily get aroused by women online but find it difficult in life. I have read that sexual oritentation throws up an indication when it comes to masturbation habits and the whole 'shemale' obsession thing confuses me.

    While I was growing up I was into women and fell in love with 2 of them and used to fool around with other young people during my teen years as I was off the rails and women mad but now at 24 it's sort of tempered off and my sex drive for women has just evaporated for some reason.
    But again what confuses me as an example was I started a new job and one of the young women who work in another department was pretty nice on the eyes and I got annoyed because I wouldn't see her after my training so I wouldn't be able to talk to her. Bad I know :eusa_doh:
    But again when it comes to masturbation I instantly go to the 'shemale' section for my release.

    I was diagnosed with depression 2 years ago and went on a stint of medication for it and it seems since then my sex drive died even though I have come off the medication. The Doctors have been no help with the dead sex drive with the partner.

    I am not scared of being gay but I am just not sure if I really am deep down as I find "male area" a turn on when it comes to private time. Something just doesn't feel right about everything and I don't know what it is? I have worked with gay men in the past at jobs and at no point did I want to "do it" with them. :help:
     
    #1 HuntersSol1, Mar 24, 2014
  2. SkylarRain

    SkylarRain
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    From what you are saying it sounds like you are Asexual. You said that you find your girlfriend emotionally attractive but not physically.
     
    #2 SkylarRain, Mar 24, 2014
  3. blond

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    Um i'm not trying to be rude or sound like a jackass in any way, but you shouldn't use the word "shemale" its offensive.
    But you do seem like you could be asexual. Of course only you can answer that question.
     
    #3 blond, Mar 24, 2014
  4. Chiroptera

    Chiroptera
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    This alone seems enough to conclude it is very unlikely for you to be asexual, i think. You do have sexual desires.

    Your depression may have something to do with your confusion, peraphs? Have you tried to go to a psychiatrist or psychologist and see if they can help you?

    Personally, i just think you aren't asexual.
     
    #4 Chiroptera, Mar 24, 2014
  5. HuntersSol1

    HuntersSol1
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    I do apologize as I don't want to cause offense to anyone.

    ---------- Post added 24th Mar 2014 at 01:26 PM ----------
    When I first got together with her we had sex up to 3 times a day because of me coming at her.

    It's just the lack of sex drive towards anyone that's causing me all the heart ache and the niggling in the back of my mind wondering if I am gay. I don't know why I keep asking myself the same thing over and over.
     
    #5 HuntersSol1, Mar 24, 2014
  6. Chiroptera

    Chiroptera
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    Peraphs you are bisexual? Do you feel attracted to both? Do you still feel women are attractive, but peraphs just your girlfriend isn't? Or your sex drive is lacking because you are anxious, depressed, or something else is worrying you and affecting it?
     
    #6 Chiroptera, Mar 24, 2014
  7. TossAWatermelon

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    Isn't it possible to be straight, just not enjoying physical stuff? It's entirely straight to have a special emotional relationship with women only.
     
    #7 TossAWatermelon, Mar 24, 2014
  8. blond

    blond
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    You seem like you're not attracted to men. So you could be stright and asexual or you could just have a low sex drive.
    I guess my question is do you find men attractive at all?
     
    #8 blond, Mar 24, 2014
  9. HuntersSol1

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    I go to gym so have alot of time to look at men if I wanted too in the changing room but the honest answer is no. I can't say I have ever looked a man and thought they are arousing or attractive.

    I don't know what it is, I just fear that I am gay for some unknown reason as I have no sex drive for women at all. I come from the UK so being gay is accepted much more than other places, My family wouldn't care in the slightest even if I was gay and don't have friends that care either. I just don't understand this fear I have.

    It's like some hit a switch somewhere and I went from a 2-3 times a day down to not wanting it at all. I do get aroused looking at porn but just not with my partner or anyone else in life it's driving me mad and upsetting. :tears:
     
    #9 HuntersSol1, Mar 25, 2014
  10. Rachelshhh

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    I think you should consider medication causes, perhaps depression? Not because you're depressed but it can interfere with sexual drive. I certainly have no experience diagnosing anything whether it be gender identity or mental health,, and just as confused as the next person. But it could be you haven't met the right person and you won't know until you unzip those pants, I think.
     
    #10 Rachelshhh, Mar 25, 2014
  11. Chip

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    Hi, and welcome.

    First, you're not asexual. That's become one of the terms du jour that's heavily misused by an awful lot of people, and it can really interfere with the process of understanding who you are. You've clearly got sexual urges and drives, which rules out asexuality.

    Additionally, how recently you were on medication, and what medication you were on could influence things. Some of them really depress sex drive and the aftereffects can last months after you go off the medication. For that matter, if you're still depressed, that, too, is a sex drive killer for many.

    So those are the first places I'd look. Secondary to that, while you're not interested in sex with your girlfriend, it sounds like you're still masturbating to porn. Is that happening regularly (daily or several times a week) or is it infrequent? That will tell us moer about your sex drive, which is probably the first plece to look at before figuring out orientation.

    Lastly, the attraction to "shemale" porn (I use the term because that's the term the porn industry uses) is interesting, and probably implies some sort of attraction toward men, so one suggestion I'd have is to try switching that out and watching some gay porn for a while and see what happens to your appeal for that.

    Finally, it's always a good idea in these situations to try masturbating for a week or two without porn. That's more likely to give you a solid idea of where your attrctions lie.
     
    #11 Chip, Mar 25, 2014
  12. HuntersSol1

    HuntersSol1
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    I was originally diagnosed in 2012 as depression and started taking anti-depressants (Setraline) for around 6 months. I stopped taking them as it made me emotionless not just sexual attraction and arousal but general personality switched into a cold being who I didn't recognise.
    When I came off the medication (Setraline) I went back up to being somewhat content in life and everything was going ok until depression came back in 2013 and I went on a 4 month stint of citalopram which was different. I had the same problems of emotionless so I couldn't be happy so i came off them as it just made me feel "broken".

    I told my Doctor about my lack of sex drive and he did a blood test and everything came back in "normal range" and my testosterone (which I thought was lacking) is right bang in the middle of "normal range". He basically told me as far as he is concerned I am "physically well and in good health". After this he basically dismissed me and didn't offer any further help with the problem. :bang:

    As of current masturbation habits it's very erratic. I can easily go week+ without masturbating and the urge just isn't there to find a quiet time to do it, when I do masturbate it feels forced and at best not very pleasurable as i can’t "get it up" 100% properly. I can sometimes get it up but I have to be in the right mind set.
    Same with when I try with my girlfriend I can get it up but it will go down quickly. But some rare occations I just suddenly lunge at her but were talking 1 time every 3 months.

    I am just going all over the place for answers and help as it's making me really low and frustrated with everything. :tears::bang:
     
    #12 HuntersSol1, Mar 25, 2014
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2014
  13. Ettina

    Ettina
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    Asexuality does exist - it's not just some 'term du jour', and I find that statement really offensive. However, OP, you don't sound asexual.

    I'm not sure what the term 'shemale' refers to. Is it a term for MtFs, or FtMs? If you're attracted to MtFs, well, they're really women, no matter what they have between their legs. So that counts as being straight.
     
    #13 Ettina, Mar 25, 2014
  14. Chip

    Chip
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    I never meant to imply that asexuality does not exist. It does, and it's defined in the DSM, and much has been written about it. Unfortunately, the term has been appropriated and widely misused, and it is that misuse that is currently in vogue. I apologize if I offended anyone, that wasn't my intent.


    In porn terms, as far as I know, it generally refers to a MTF and sometimes to an intersex person. The porn industry has never been known for any sort of language-aware terminology.:slight_smile:

    I also have to disagree that attraction to "shemales" in porn is the same as attraction to women, implying one is straight. Because porn tends to be depersonalizing, the attraction can be to the penis, not to the person attached to the penis, and it's not uncommon for men who are coming to terms with their sexual orientation to watch "shemale" porn because it provides a way to rationalize attraction to penises without acknowledging attraction to men. In other words, it's often a bargaining strategy.
     
    #14 Chip, Mar 25, 2014
  15. HuntersSol1

    HuntersSol1
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    Had a bad day again today, it seems to be getting worse. My girlfriend actually said to me "are you gay or something?" due to the lack of cuddling / kissing / intimate contact between us. Her gay friend actually suggested to her to ask if I was gay which only made me more scared of everything :bang:

    Top it off there is a date show on TV my girlfriend was watching and it had gay couples meeting for the first time and I got so uneasy with it and just made me uncomfortable in a way.

    I can't see myself having a relationship with another male and I don't find men attractive sexually. BUT... I know there are areas of grey when it comes to sexuality but this is ridiculous! How can I go from a woman loving machine into a sex dead and questioning manic. I really feel like throwing the girlfriend out the door and just living alone. I’m so scared I am gay deep down it upsets me to the point where it's becoming a fear. Something doesn't feel right and coupled with depression I don't want it to turn to suicide, I feel so alone and can't explain how I feel in words it's almost like it's an obsession questioning my orientation. :tears:
     
    #15 HuntersSol1, Mar 26, 2014
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2014
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