Hi, I am just going to try and write this all down, because it has been on my mind for the past day. This may be more stream of consciousness style, but I guess for the moment it is acceptable. I am just finishing up my Biology degree and it is right before finals and many essays are due and I am very stressed. A month ago I went on an online dating site, and within minutes I was talking to people, and by the end of the day I had over 20 people who I was in contact with. It was unexpectantly overwhelming to say the least. I am a virgin who has never dated. I narrowed it down to three guys, then hung out with two, then started to see one regularly, lets call him Ben. I am still in contact with the last one, and it has been a month. I am confused about what we have, however my friends call it dating. This frightens me. Before today I put down on my orientation as "Bisexual leaning towards gay." I have changed that to "Bisexual". This next part will get very detailed, as it is on my mind. The last two times I have been with Ben we have kissed and cuddles for many many hours continuously. It seems that we are getting closer and closer, however I have been feeling less and less for him I am realizing. Last night we went quite far, it went something like, "I don't know what to do right now Ben." Ben: "I don't know either, it's ok though, you can say what ever you want and we can do it." (Ben never pushes for anything, he is just open) Then we cuddles for another 10 minutes and kiss and such. Then I say, "Well, I suppose we do not need shirts on" (The shirts come off). 7 minutes more of cuddling and kissing, then "I guess we don't really need these pants." (The pants come off, we are in our underwear). Then we kiss more and touch. Finally my hand goes down there and feels him, he makes some sounds and I rip off his underwear, and mine. We talked about it before and he is clean. I start stroking him, and he seems to take pleasure, he occasionally touches me however not at the frequency I do to him. Then after about 5 or 6 minutes he starts giving me a blow job and my mind is completely numb/freaking out/silent, and I am not making any expressions or saying anything, he continues on and I am stroking his head. After a couple minutes he stops and we cuddle more. Neither of us climaxed. After about 10 minutes I say I need to go home because it is late, and he says that's ok, I apologies for leaving and he says to never apologies. We put our clothes back on and hug and kiss, then I left. When I got home I scrubbed my genitals and lips with copious amounts soap/disinfectant and showered for awhile. I am not sure what happened or is happening. He messaged me again today, typical stuff. Before I took off his under ware I thought to myself for a few minutes, "I have complete control over this situation, if I want I can lose my virginity at 21 like I wanted to, we can go as far as I want." However I was having second guesses. stroking was weird, and did not make me horny at all; both me stroking him, or him me. I remember looking at him before the underwear was off and thinking/craving that we would have a vagina because I just want to put it in there and go for it. When he gave the BJ, by all accounts form what I know he did a great job, yet is was very difficult for me to feel any pleasure at all, and I kinda just wanted him to stop, and at the same time just wanted to feel pleasure. In my opinion I had a sexual experience, but I did not have sex. I am in the grey of being a virgin. For the whole day all I can think about is this experience, and now I feel like I do not like him or want to ever have a sexual experience with a guy ever again. I have seen him for a month and I am not sure if I can stand to see him in person again, yet it has been so fast and he has no idea at all; I do not want to talk about this with him at the moment. When I was going to classes today I saw all the girls faces and they looked so beautiful, I just wanted to embrace one. I felt romantic feelings for woman again today, however that is quite normal. However I know that if I masturbate it will be to the thought of a guy. I feel strong and weak for leaving/not pursuing/pursuing, clean and dirty for starting it but not finishing, sometimes confident and experienced, mostly dirty and regretful. I am sorry if this does not make complete sense; I am drained and do not want to read it over and edit quickly. I do not know what to think now, I am more confused than I have ever been about my sexuality and what I want. Thank you for reading this.
