Is it possible to properly come out and still be screwed?

I'm sure the title raises enough eyebrows so let me state my situation; I'm out, I'm pretty much a recluse and I'm just about sure i'm putting the wrong things first. Now by this I mean that I have basically followed "the guidelines" to being my authentic self yet I find myself still hindered. For instance, when I told my mom we basically came to the conclusion that she'll never be ok with it since I still live at home, I keep my romantic interests as far away from out of respect.

Yet now I'm finding that the more I do that, the more I feel this guilt about who I am. Now I'm not pinning this all on her. Gaea knows that we have and had several issues with seeing eye to eye before I came out. Which leads me into my next point, I maybe out but I sure as hell don't fit in. Anywhere seemingly. And I find myself either becoming very cautious or somewhat controlling my speech around new ppl, to seem "cool." Which is bull in all honesty. Don't get me wrong, I like my hip-hop as much as the next black man but that shouldn't mean I can't bump some Kylie Minogue or Cyndi Lauper when I just wanna have some bubble-gum (pop) fun. As well as Koko Taylor, Tina Turner, Ray Charles or Stevie Wonder. Basically, in private, I like who I am but in public I always have to pick one or the other. I can't be into Sci-Fi and say be a Sports or Rock fan, which I am but I feel compelled to state I am a Rookie.:icon_redf

And I know it pretty much sounds like I'm just being a child but for once it would be sooooo nice to have a conversation about my interests instead of always playing the extrovert. Which leads me to my final point, I'm an Introvert. GTFOI! It doesn't make me a monster. It just makes me more reserved in most company. I enjoy it. My few close friends like me for who I am so I don't understand why some people take it to heart when I sit quietly by myself. Ironically, they won't speak to me yet since I'm not groveling to be their friend, they take offense. Don't misunderstand. When spoken to, I will speak. BUT if you put everyones attention on me, I will walk away. Now maybe this is just unique to my neck of the woods or this just seems like everyday bull I'm droning on about, which it very well is.

But my overall point is this, I have been tempted by guys who just wanted to hit it and quit, defended a piece of my being against anyone who sought to attack me for it as well as tried my damndest to cross the many rivers of my troubled self without being a burden upon those around me, so why can't I seem to walk out my front door without worrying about if I either look gay enough for a guy to take notice or if I'm maintaining a decorum of self that comes off as too aggressive?

Can anyone give me advice on how I could possibly improve my circumstances short of moving elsewhere because I'm DEFINITELY getting paid nowhere near enough to save and have a decent amount to leave in anything short of 10 years. :dry:

 

Yeah. It's that I'm lonely. I have noone in my household I can speak to about this, I do my best not to bother my friends with this because I don't want to get them tangled up in it, There are no resources for me to take advantage of for people like myself in my community or environment and I've gotten so annoyed and tired of bending over backwards for people, I literally scare myself into reclusion with imagined, anxiety-ridden scenarios of how awkward, isolated and unwanted an urban youth such as myself would be if I travelled to say a neighbouring township that does have said resources. That's the real issue here. I spent so much time during High School trying make myself invisible and numb because I'm into guys that once it was over, I just caved into myself very slowly. :help:

Btw, Thanks for bothering to reply. Means a lot to me. :smilewave

 

A space that I can walk into and not be worried that being Gay automatically makes me an Outsider. It would also be nice to meet some young ppl with eclectic music tastes and some other similar interests as myself :lol: even better, just ppl overall regardless of age.