Are my feelings bottled, or just non-existent?

There was a thread going around earlier about when the last time you cried was.

I wasn't lying when I said it's been nearly 10 years since I've done something that could be considered crying ( admittedly the last time I cried I full out balled my eyes out ) I haven't cried since.

I spent pretty much the entirety of my teens in a state of 'apathy' even now I don't express any emotions well. I get mad at video games sometimes, but that's about the extent of my ability to express myself.

I'm generally reserved and quiet. I don't talk to people I'm unfamiliar with because I feel nervous in doing so. I also don't really speak too many words around people I do know. I just never have anything to say I guess.

I do still know the feeling of having your stomach tie up in knots. I've felt that one recently.

Honestly, it's such a heavy contrast to my online personality. I don't get it. It's like those emotions in me are either dead or just burried somewhere and I don't know where to the find them....

Thoughts?

*is unsure why he even wrote this now*

 

Yeah. I'd like that.

 

I mean I guess it could be...

As for how was childhood, umm...not super great.

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/famil...1-my-life-story-warning-its-long-so-long.html <--- it's all laid out here. It's a really really long read though. You don't have to bother if you don't want.

 

Yeah, apathy was kinda what I did best as a teen. I'm 'better than I was' but that really isn't saying too much

I'm happy to chat.

A degenerative disease? That sounds unpleasant...did the medicine cause any bad effects...I mean since you shouldn't have been taking it?

I don't know if it does apply to me or not...I really don't. I guess in a way it does...I just don't know what a flood of emotions even is or feels like. Maybe it's just been too long and I don't remember anymore.

Edit: It's really hard to resist adding in 'faces' to this. For some reason I have the weirdest tendency to try and downplay things like this...and I just don't wanna do that this time, but it's become like a habit =/

 

Sucks about your bad doctor experience.

Worrying too much about how I should be feeling...? I can believe that I get so worked in my head sometimes about this. I feel like theres some sort of disconnect between my thoughts and my emotions. It's like I'm aware of them, but I don't always feel them exactly...*has no idea how to describe this*

Maybe I shouldn't get too worked up about it. It's just...I can't imagine its healthy to go a decade without shedding a single tear =/

I'm actually a writer. I used to do poetry a lot, but now I write short stories.

You can find my short stories in my blog, and if you'd like I could share a poem or two?

 

That's cool that you play piano. Me and intstruments don't get along...I don't have rhythm...I wish I could play guitar.

My most recent:

Let flesh fall from bone
In this home, all alone
perhaps the jaws of those once gone
will drag my body across this lawn

Let the ashes of society rain
screams, agony, blood, and pain
The dead are alive, and the alive are dead
Perhaps this chaos only lives in my bed

In this wasteland of a once hopeful place
I find myself alone, damn all this cursed space
Stand and fight, or wait to die
perhaps even a bullet to the brain is worth a try?

I can hear in the distance their groans,
Sad, haunting, grotesque moans
These creatures bring chaos its sword
their numbers, their numbers, they must be a horde!

Let flesh fall from bone
my fear, turns me to stone
At the door they now claw
Will I stand, or will I fall?

My favorite:

To think the night could conjure eternity
is that so foolish a thing to dream?
I listen as the rain it falls
and softly lulls me off to sleep

slipping from consciousness
finding a new world hidden within
my thoughts twisted and scarred
redefine reality around me,
and bring so blissful a sense of security

maybe the monsters and the wolves that howl
should make me shake and shiver
but in the darkest of eyes
and even in those that burn in fire
seem only to make my body ache

My legs feel so much heavier
and knees begin to quake
I find myself buckling
underneath my own weight
is this my personal heaven

I can only hear the sound of growling
a shadowy figure circling around
predators eyes have vexed me
and I feel compelled to stay
I feel compelled to listen

Without a word I know
my place is here to serve
does that make me weak
or is it what bring me strength

Again I have to leave
as the sun rises once more
I find myself saddened
as the real world tries my embrace

To think the night could conjure eternity
is that so foolish a thing to dream?

A cute one because not everything I write is dark:

sweet lips press against my own,
I can feel myself grow flustered
skin burning bright red
I quiver finding myself drawn in
With a kiss you tease my senses

fingertips trace along my chest
the light touch making my skin crawl,
a soft sound leaving me
I blush finding myself drawn in
with a touch you tease my senses

You voice sounds sweet like honey
a gentle lullaby that drowns pain
silent, I listen intently
I smile finding myself drawn in
with a word you tease my senses

I breath in, your aroma drives me wild
so sweet, like the most delicate of fruits
pausing, taking the moment to savor
I shiver finding myself drawn in,
with your scent you tease my senses

I look upon your form,
eyes drawn back into your own
I've fallen in love with you,
your eyes, find me drawn in
with your beauty you tease my senses.



A balance?

 

No those all sound like admirable things to do.

I like the rain, does that count? =/

 

I love to lay out in the rain...I dunno why I just like the feeling of it I guess.

 

I see.

I don't fair well in the cold myself. It kills things for me cause I'm shivering to death.

I actually prefer Fall more. I love the way things look in Fall. ^^

 

Summer is just hot and uncomfortable =/

At least with Winter it's pretty outside.