Hi I don't know why I'm posting this, cause it's going to make me sound so messed up. I joined this forum recently and got a super warm welcome but I've still been scared to post anything because my social anxiety is soo bad and I'm so terrified to communicate with people, even anonymously over the internet. But I feel so messed up and so scared that I don't even know what to do anymore so I'm just going to type, if that's cool. I want to ask for help but I keep feeling like I'm this pathetic person whining for attention so I don't know who to ask, and I don't see any way to fix what is happening to me. I've gone to a psychiatrist and I'm on medication but I just feel like in getting worse I can't stop hurting myself. I feel like such a freak. I started cutting almost a year ago and it's gotten out of control. Every minute all I think about is cutting and burning myself. It's the only time I don't absolutely hate myself. I'm bisexual and I hate myself for it, because I grew up in a Mormon family and my family is really anti lgbt. All I feel is rage and despair and hate for myself and the church. I keep trying to convince myself that everything's going to be fine, that I'm going to go to college and meet an awesome guy and I won't care anymore, then I come back to reality. Every day is a war against myself, and it's gotten so pathetic. I've found myself cutting in the bathroom at school because I got nervous around I guy I like. It's like half of me is trying to force out any gay thoughts and one half isnt. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm caught in this cycle of feeling vulnerable and embarrassed and gross for liking guys, then I'll get filled with rage and despair and I'll hurt myself and feel powerful and invincible and angry, then it'll fade and I'll be embarrassed about the scars, and the cycle just goes on and on and on. Sorry this is such a messed up post I'm just desperate and completely alone. I don't want to be someone whining for attention. It terrifies me to even look another person in the eye. I'm becoming entirely withdrawn and anti social, to the point where my throat gets sore when I go out with people, because I'm so used to never talking. It took me almost a week to work up the courAge and post this and ask for help, and I'm already worried i messed it up and now a whole community is going to think I'm a freak. Bit I'm going to post it anyway because it's the best I can do. I just don't know what to do anymore I never used to feel suicidal. But it's starting to creep into my thoughts all the time. Everywhere I am I see ways to hurt or kill myself. It like it's my comfort, or a distraction, and I know that's so messed up. I've started throwing up and starving myself because I know it's unhealthy, and because my eating is out of control to. And I don't see another guy ever finding my body attractive. I'm slipping down this path of self hatred and self harm and the worst part is that I like that I'm going down that road and it makes me feel powerful and scary. I don't know what's wrong with me. I know this was a long post but I'm just looking for help because I don't know how much longer I can keep living. Sorry I sound like such a freak
Hi.I have been where you are now.I am willing to chat to you privately if you want.Up to you.You are new though,so I can give you a few tips.But if you end up being a full member I feel its best to continue this discussion privately.Up to you.Feel free to respond to this. *hug*
Thanks guys. Id maybe like to chat @aspie musician, maybe not, i just don't really know what to say though. I dunno, im not really sure what i want. Thanks for reaching out though. Idk. I don't really feel like fighting anymore. I feel like maybe itd be best for me and everyone else if i just didn't speak to people anymore. i dunno
(*hug*) NOBODY here will think that you are pathetic or seeking attention. If you stay for a while, you will learn that there are many people here who have been through the same. I think that it is really very good that you are seeing a psychiatrist. Sometimes though it takes a while until you find the right medicine and the right dosage. You need to talk with them and let them know how you are feeling. Also a therapist can be useful. They usually have more time for the patient and they want to talk and look for the problem (not just prescribe the pills). There are lots of ways how to substitute or lessen the urge to cut. Has someone recommend any to you?
I understand where you are coming from. I also deal with this and it has become a daily battle for me. What has helped me recently is finding someone to talk to; someone no a therapist but my friend. She went through it as well and has made me feel not so alone. I have horrible anxiety and I completely understand what I'm saying takes a lot of strength, but it took a while and I opened up to my cousin and she has been beyond helpful. I think finding someone who understands on a more personal level might help, and I also think about my younger siblings and cousins and wonder what I will say when they see the scars, and how I want to be someone they look up to and how I dont want this for them. I try and think of all the love around me even if I find it in the smallest things. Sometimes its hard to keep your head on straight, and you get lost but you just need to find what helps you. I hope this helps
