I suffer from depression. It's gotten to be where every day I stay in bed, because I don't want to wake up, and am angry that I couldn't just die in my sleep. There's a lot of stresses in my life, but the main one is that I can't play football. I always wanted to play real contact football. But I missed out in High School, and playing at any level pretty much requires that. I hate to admit this, but I have attempted to take my own life on several occasions. Yesterday was once of them. But I hate bleeding, so I don't cut. But I live in a tall house and I know it would be so easy to just fall. If it wasn't for my boyfriend, and knowing that it would break his heart, I would have. It's hard to keep going on when my dream is dead, and I can't set any goals. I cry everyday, and I don't know how I can go on. Should I just do it and end the pain? I'm so tired of fighting it anymore.
I hate to say this, but this will not be the last time you'll fail a goal. Life isn't only happiness and success, it is also difficulties and failings, and that is perfectly normal. Everybody fails sometimes, maybe with a goal, maybe with friends, maybe with relatives or lovers. But, you know what? You have to bite the bullet and go on. You'll suffer, but this is life, and you can't think about ending it because you failed something. Life is beautiful, and you shouldn't give it up just because of difficulties; be strong and brave, and go on living, because if you end your life, a lot of people will suffer, and, most important, you'll give up your chance to be happy again. I don't remember who said this, but "when a door closes, another one opens. But often, we're so focused on the closed one, that we can't see the other". Think about this: the door of football closed, but many others will open. You have other things to live for, first of all your boyfriend and the people you love. Don't give up, but let this experience become a lesson: you can face failing, and you won't be defeated by the difficulties of life, no matter what.
You might not feel very strong or good about yourself right now, but you are better than you think you are. I'm not just saying that to be kind, you've actually demonstrated it to us in two really important ways: 1. You are talking about how you feel and you're being really honest too, both of these things are important and shouldn't be underestimated. Talking about our feelings in an honest way is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength. It takes courage and a certain amount of determination and it's a leap of faith in other people, not knowing how they will respond. 2. You have experienced suicidal thoughts and intentions. Contrary to what some people believe, suicide is not an easy option and it's not a cowards way out. To think about it and have serious plans and then face down those thoughts and feelings and still be here is a testament to your character. To talk about it afterwards, like you are doing, is another sign of strength. When we have a passion for something, like you have for football, our minds can become immersed in pursuing that one thing like nothing else. To then face the realisation that it will not happen can be crushing for us and leave a huge void and feeling of emptiness. How do you fill it? What else is there? Is it even worth it? These are all difficult questions to face up to and it really can seem easier to not bother, especially when you are in a low place and lacking motivation... BUT, you are stronger than you realise. You've shown that to us. Do you need a helping hand to face the future? Yes, of course you do... we all need that. None of us can say that we have everything we need to face all of the challenges that life will throw our way. There is absolutely no shame in admitting that we can't deal with life alone. Dig deep and lean on the people who love you. Let them share the load while you are tired and broken, but don't think you are defeated and out. Keep talking to us and don't bottle anything up.
