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Letting go of heterosexual hopes

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by GreenMan, Apr 6, 2014.

  1. GreenMan

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    Hi all,

    Lately, despite the way I've lived my life, I've been realizing how much I have invested in the idea of living a heterosexual lifestyle. Even though I've recognized that I'm on the gayer side of the spectrum for a few years now, I still find myself daydreaming that say, next year, I'll be in a relationship with a woman, living together in a house somewhere. I've always developed crushes on certain girls, but know that my sexuality probably wouldn't be compatible, so I just end up shying away, despite it nearly breaking me emotionally. This is all starting to seem absurd to me while I'm writing it out, why is it so difficult to get past these feelings? And for anyone who has, was there anything in particular that worked for you, or that you found helpful?
     
    #1 GreenMan, Apr 6, 2014
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2014
  2. SleepyT

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    What is it that you find so appealing about a heterosexual lifestyle? I can say from experience that if the sexual/physical compatibility isn't there, it can survive for awhile, but probably can't sustain.
     
  3. HM03

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    How long since you realized you're not straight? For me, thinking things over for a longgggg time helped. Also talking to other LGBT people helped me realize that you can find the guy of your dreams, adopt kids etc. Things are slowly changing SSM is being legal in more places and laws regarding adoption etc and changing too :slight_smile:
     
  4. GreenMan

    GreenMan Guest

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    Thanks for your helpful replies, I wanted to give them some thought before I answered.


    @SleepyT: That's a good question. I think the main thing is that while I was growing up, I always assumed that I would live a heterosexual life. Because of that, many of my hopes and dreams were framed around it being a major component of my potential happiness and fulfillment. It's been difficult trying to let go of that. Noone had ever asked me that question before, and I had never posed it to myself. In trying to think about it objectively, besides what I just mentioned above, which is mostly an idea, I can't see many reasons why a heterosexual relationship would be so appealing to me. Except maybe that women generally seem a little more compassionate, supportive, sweet, and comforting, and less physically violent than men. Although I know that individually men and women can be anywhere from horrible to wonderful. I still notice and appreciate the beauty of women, just walking through the train station yesterday, I noticed several women and men. Maybe it's simply that I'm drawn to beauty, because I don't seem to be drawn to women subconsciously/sexually very much. I know that I'm more subconsciously/sexually drawn to men. I think it's that I'm still partially in love with the *idea* of being in a reationship with a woman. I like the quaintness of it. I would like to have non-sexual intimacy with a woman. I'm not a very sexual person, and I think I had always wanted more of a companion than a sexual-partner. Perhaps I just have more layers of denial to wade through.

    @HM03: I've known for 6-7 years... Although I wasn't at peace with it, I was almost ready to come out, in some situations, 6 years ago. Then I met this girl who I really liked, and even if it was somewhat unreasonable, I developed strong feelings for her. She seemed to be interested in me also. This caused me to question everything about my sexuality again. I went into a tailspin of questioning and denial. I spent a long time wondering if my understanding of my sexuality would change again. Hoping that maybe I would come to realize I was bisexual, and could live that lifestyle. I felt an obligation to say something about my sexuality, but I wasn't sure if I could bring myself to, and I was worried that if I didn't say anything I might allow myself to be lulled into a relationship that I would have felt guilty about entering without a clear understanding between us. I ended up shying away, even though I wanted it in most ways. I don't know if I could've handled navigating through all of that. I'm still coming out of that now, and I've realized that whatever may or may not happen in my life going forward, I won't be able to make much progress socially without coming to terms with myself, becoming more comfortable with, and freeing myself up to live, rather than continuing on with the frustrations that come with a closeted existence.

    ---------- Post added 8th Apr 2014 at 06:47 PM ----------

    @HM03: Btw, thanks for the encouraging words, I agree that a lot of social progress is being made on the issue, and I think it's great!
     
  5. DavoGravo

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    Hey Greenman,

    I don't have any real advice for you but I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. I too struggle with letting go of the desire to be straight and live a straight life. I was previously married (i'm now separated at 33) and even though I know I am gay (I haven't actually confirmed it yet), I still find myself admiring, flirting with and occasionally being intimate with women. Maybe I am attracted to the intimacy.

    I think after spending my whole life growing up wanting to be straight and living a straight life, fantasizing about marriage, children and just being with a girl, it takes time to reverse these thought patterns.

    I also understand what you mean by being in love with the idea of being with a woman...I guess in our society that is what we are fed from the time we are small children and we accept that as being the "norm".

    I have come to understand that our brains are very powerful things and we are very good at lying to ourselves (and believing it)...so good infact that it can be hard to work out what is the truth and what is not. While it may sound from all this that I may be bi or just confused, I know deep down that I am gay and just look forward to the day that I can consciously accept it too. I know that when I do, all my insecurities, fears and anger will slowly disapear.

    Hope this all makes sense, I just wanted you to know you aren't alone.

    David
     
  6. LostAndAffraid

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    Hey there GreenMan, I'm only a year older than you and am going through a very similar thing, I've even dated women, I am just now starting to accept myself, it will probably still be a while before I even look for a relationship though.it is difficult to accept when you grow up knowing your "supposed"to be attracted to the opposite sex.

    I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. There are probably a lot of people going through this that are afraid to deal with it. I know just joining this site has helped me towards accepting myself tremendously. I hope you take those steps that I'm struggling to take myself, I mean I think I've always known, I just never wanted to believe it, wanted to believe I was at least bi, like you. But I know o have no desire to be "with" a woman.
     
  7. xxScarlett23xx

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    I have similar feelings too. I am a woman and was always talked about and preached to the "sanctity" of heterosexual marriage. And I agree with the other posts, it can be difficult to rewire our brains especially after so many years of being brain-washed and fed the heterosexual lifestyle and honestly if you look around you in this world, we are gay/bi living in a straight world. There have been advances but it is obviously not equivalent to straights. I always find myself day-dreaming about walking down the isle to my man and my family being so proud of me but I have the woman of my dreams and I am willing to let go of all those hopes for her. My love for her gives me strength, and when you find the person for you that love will give you strength as well, whether it's a man or a woman.
     
  8. GreenMan

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    Hey guys, it's comforting to know that I'm not alone.

    David,

    What you're saying definitely makes sense to me. I agree with you about how good we can be at deceiving ourselves. It took quite a while for me to even realize it was going on, let alone beginning to work out what it all means. The balance between conscious and subconscious is something that fascinates me, and I'll probably never fully understand. It's difficult to accept that my subconscious nature can override my conscious thoughts, and that it exists regardless of whatever my conscious desires seem to be. Maybe it's because we were given a frame of reference which told us certain natures were wrong and undesirable, and because of that we all had to create work-arounds and were denying our own natures before we even had a chance to explore and understand them, let alone accepting them. Heterosexuality was definitely what we all were fed since we were young, and there wasn't really a viable option otherwise, except maybe solitude. I'm 29 myself, and I hope we're some of the last, at least in the West, to have lived through our formative years when the idea of a gay life still seemed nearly impossible. Thanks for adding your voice, it really does help having others to talk to who are going through similar situations.

    Greg


    LostAndAffraid,

    Thanks for you support. I've actually got five years on you, so you're probably further along than I was at your age! I certainly wasn't talking about it with anyone back then. This website has been such a great resource for me in the short time I've been on here as well. It's good that you've understood your nature and are working towards acceptance, I know you can do it.


    xxScarlett23xx,

    Thanks for your positive message. I agree that it can be so hard to change our thinking and stop daydreaming about straight scenarios. I'm glad you've found someone special who makes you feel great and strengthens you. I wish the two of you happiness!




    Thanks again to all, it really is good to know that others are experiencing similar things, and that I'm not alone. I'd love to hear more from you all, or from anyone else who might like to join in.
     
    #8 GreenMan, Apr 9, 2014
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2014
  9. stocking

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    When I first found out I liked women I cried and even though now everyone is gonna hate me , Letting go of heterosexual hopes is hard because that's what most of our parents and family want us to be and planned for us to be . Then to realize your not like that is hard because you know your gonna be rejected , some people will try to hold on to their parents dream of them being heterosexual for a long time ,sometimes it's our own dream too because we want to be accepted and not rejected by society . The only way we can truly be happy is self acceptance which is the hardest road to take in life .
     
  10. LostAndAffraid

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    Thanks greenman, lol I think I read your post count as your age. My bad.

    But yeah thank you.
     
  11. jnr183

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    Greenman, I'm in the same spot as well. I'm 31 and have known for decades that I am gay. I don't know why I've hidden it for so long. I think my brain, too, has convinced me that I am straight despite having secret crushes on male friends for years. I spent most of my 20s being single and somewhat asexual- pining for male friends, avoiding female relationships.

    At 30, I began trying online dating from the closet (to meet men) which did not get me very far. After too many failed dates, I ended up unexpectedly meeting a girl, we hit it off, and thought I had found the heterosexual life relationship I had been looking for- the life I thought I was supposed to have. I just ended that yearlong relationship this weekend, realizing that I need a man to be happy and to find out I need to accept myself and finally come out. I'm scared, because I don't think even my closest friends have a clue that I'm gay. I'm not sure exactly when I'll come out to the first person, but hopefully in the next couple weeks.

    I guess what I'm saying is that I think we will all get to this point. One thing I have learned is that life is too short to be miserable and worrying about others' stupid expectations of you is crazy. That said, I have yet to bite the bullet. Good luck!