Friendless

So I moved to a new work site and every time I get a new boss I have to go through the same crap.

You see, between 1980 to 1990 I got the crap beat out of me about once a month for being an effeminate male. One day I wake up after a coma with more metal holding my skull together then wolverine, my face sewn back on, and my jaw wired shut. You ever throw up into a wired jaw so the vomit is forced between the stitches and up under your face? Orange juice and stomach acid out stings like the dickens.

So I have no feeling in half my face and it took a year to learn how to smile again and it still is painful. Basically, I sound gay, but I have no facial expressions, so people think I'm straight. Straight guys talking gay tend to be taken as "sarcastic" or "angry". You have no idea how many times I've had to explain, "No. I'm not angry. You are taking my tone the wrong way." It's got to the point I just go, "You have a problem with my tone? My tone is 'cocksucker'. Sorry you don't like it." Funny thing is, it usually results in being treated better. As soon as they stop thinking I'm straight, they stop thinking I'm being sarcastic.

I'm actually a rather happy and optimistic guy. I let all that crap go decades ago.

Anyrate, Needless to say, didn't have friends in High School. I was a social pariah. Had some friends in college, but we drifted apart after college. Mostly because I realized something. Nobody ever calls me. Ever. If I don't try HARD to hang out with other people, nobody wants to spend time with me. Nobody. And the people I did hang out with, I think they hung out with me because I paid for everything.

I define a friend as anyone who willingly spends time in your presence without being paid, or being related. If they are related, they are family. If it's on the job, then they are being paid to be there, and you aren't hanging out. If you are paying for their ticket or to eat out, that's a date, not friends hanging out.

In short, I have no friends. Every once in a while I would try VERY VERY hard to make friends, then I would ask them to go hang out or something. I only ask three times then if they refuse three times I say, "Well, give me a call some time." Nothing. I give up then try again from time to time, but the fact is, I would just like someone who doesn't want something from me to want to spend time in my presence for no other reason then because they thought I was a likable guy and they enjoyed being around me.

I'm not talking about dating or anything. I'd just like a friend.

And nothing personal. but on line doesn't count. If you can't meet me in person, then you're an acquaintance. Not that it's a bad thing, but I'd like something more then a text message.

I have family, and things are going well with the SO. But... I just get so bitter about it sometimes. I can't bribe people to spend time with me. And if you are wondering, I have self-confidence, I'm not unpleasant to look at, and I'm financially secure. I try hard, I try soft, I try playing it cool, I try a self-help book.

I'm just not a likable guy, either that or the lack of facial expressions, screwed up body language from the nerve damage, and the fact I sound as gay as a Mexican hatband just scares everyone off.

I don't even know why I'm posting this. It won't change anything. I have zero friends now, I'll have zero friends for the rest of my life. I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm just venting.

You know what I dream about? I want to be a superhero. I want to save people's lives, or inspire someone to greatness. I day dream about it as I drive to work and back. I noticed something tonight. Part of the daydream includes not making friends. When I daydream about the interview on "The Daily Show with John Stewart" I found myself remarking, "Nobody wanted to be my friend before, but after everyone wants to be my friend now. I wonder what changed? Oh wait, they just want stuff from me."

I think in some petty way, I'd like to become super popular, just so I could tell everyone to fuck off. I used to dream about being popular, and now I dream about jerking everyone's chain.

I don't know. No point. No questions. No reply needed. I'm not looking for anything, really. Just... Friendless.