It seems in the gay world, or at least my little corner of it, that they are. I wondering if this is just a normal part of relationships (in this one for 5 years at the present) and that gay men are just more sexually liberated and willing to actually embrace it; whereas heterosexual men may live sexless or hide it from his spouse? I love my partner and we're quite committed, to say the least (i.e. we do love each other, bond a lot, share memories and have shared property and finances). However, clearly we're (well, HE), is not entirely monogamous and I don't know how I should proceed. I have read a lot of articles on "non-monogamy," particularly how it may be more common than we think and many people are just too anxious to discuss or feel it too taboo...again, particularly among gay men. Also, whilst making it clear that non-monogamy needs to be agreed upon and not interfere with the relationship, many authors of these articles seem to make it sound like openness can bring happiness and adventure into the relationship (also, much I've what I read comes from counselors or those in the psychology realm). I am just wondering what is "normal." Part of me really does not care if my partner does "other" things at times (and secretly, I find it hot in some way On the other hand, I get all worked up and but then don't really know if I am just getting mad because that is what society and culture says we need to do in that situation. :bang: My counselor says she has heard of couples successfully being non-monogamous, but there needs to be agreed upon boundaries and consent and that I need to consider and evaluate my values in all of this. That is where the problem lies...I feel, in being in the gay (not sure how it works among straights) world, the boundaries are all fuzzy and more unspoken rather than actual discussion and then there is no true form of accountability. I just don't know where I go...I am a hopeless romantic on one side and the other side asks why I put up with this other "unspoken" adventurous side (that includes being told lies by my partner to "save" my feelings) and part of me likes the adventure, I'll admit. So, I am conflicted and be interested if anyone has any personal experiences or thoughts...
The simple answer is no, open relationships are not 'inevitable'. Or at least, they are not the logical conclusion to all relationships, although I understand why it feels that way to you. A couple of things it's worth mentioning first. 1. Some people can deal with polygamy, others can't - it doesn't mean one person is promiscuous and adventurous or that the other is uptight and boring 2. It seems more common in LGBT relationships because we are used to talking and being more open about relationships. Think about it, you grew up in a world where your relationship is not the 'norm', which is pretty unpleasant by all accounts. Most people wouldn't want to talk about it because it's 'taboo', but we are already taboo, so you could argue there is less pressure for us to be able to talk about it 3. Everyone has a bias. You are reading articles about polygamous relationships written by people who want the truth to be out. All these people are saying is that given the right boundaries and permissions, these relationships don't have to be as destructive and deviant as people seem to think. You on the other hand are reading it and taking from these articles that it might even be BETTER than a monogamous relationship because you're worried about it! You know, there are plenty of people, gay or straight or anything else who would be more than comfortable in an open relationship. They CAN work really well IF everyone involved is comfortable with the arrangement, the terms are agreed by all and everybody keeps within those terms. Thing is, you apparently aren't entirely comfortable with it, and you don't have clearly defined terms. So instead you are being lied to to save your feelings. If you're not comfortable with an open relationship, don't have one. It's as simple as that. I won't lie, it might cause a break-up, but lets be realistic and examine the options. 1. You have an open relationship. You hate it but don't want to tell your partner because you agreed it would be fine. You live in misery forever. 2. You have an open relationship. You hate it, tell your partner and the 'open' part ends. Either your partner can live with it, in which case great, or he can't and he cheats. In which case you either stay with a cheating partner, or you break up. 3. You have an open relationship. Turns out you're OK with it. Happy days. 4. You have a closed relationship. HE hates it. Leaves you. 5. You have a closed relationship. He hates it, asks you for an open one. You either accept that or refuse it and pick an outcome from 1-3. 6. You have a closed relationship and he is fine with it. Happy days. I realise that summary takes a fairly fatal view of things, and my intention wasn't to suggest that your relationship is inherently doomed! What I wanted to point out is that if you are worried about it, you need to figure it out WITH HIM sooner rather than later. Ultimately, you have value too. You know, there is no reason you should have to live with a relationship agreement you aren't comfortable with, just because your partner wants something else, and there is no reason he should have to either!
@ ElliaOtaku: I really appreciate you taking the time to articulate everything so well. I agree with it all. In just thinking, one of the major mind-fucks, for lack of a better term (sorry), is that there really is no discussion about this. For example, I've actually asked if he wants to open the relationship up and he says, "No!" But then he will do something non-monogamous...so there I am...confused.
So just let me make sure I've understood this correctly. You've asked him if he would prefer an open relationship. You have made the offer. He has DECLINED the offer. Thus, there is a verbal contract between the pair of you stating that you both agree to a monogamous relationship. He has then gone out and done something with someone who ISN'T you, thus breaking the terms of the verbal contract of your relationship. Is that right? If so, if you don't mind me asking...why are you wasting your time with this man?
Yes, because I knew he wasn't being monogamous, I asked and was told "no" he does not want an open relationship. I have no answer for the "why" I deal with...I suppose I don't know how to deal with or don't want to. In part, I am was wondering how "normal" non-monogamy is...like what other people experience. I know what the articles say, but I also wanted some real voices, not just clinical psychological theory. I wanted to know if I am being unreasonable or too uptight. I know I sound like a pushover and that is why I am thinking so much about it and asking these questions.
I asked my best friend and he said if a partner of his was doing things with another man without his consent he'd consider it to be betrayal of the trust between them. He also said he was unlikely to enter into an open relationship currently (he's 21 also) but he can't rule it out for when he's older. He said he's too jealous for it right now and would want someone to himself.
Thanks, Axxel. Yes, I do feel betrayed. It's insulting to be lied to. I feel I need to get truth for this to work.
You don't sound like a pushover, you sound like you don't want to be 'that guy' who everyone thinks is completely behind the times because of their feelings. Nobody wants to feel like they don't fit in just because they think something different. How 'normal' non-monogamy is, is entirely up to you. Not everyone is into it, a lot experiment with it, but their experiences are mixed. I can say quite confidently that I couldn't be in anything but a monogamous relationship unless the three of us (or however many) were all deeply in love with EACH OTHER. In other words, the only way I could do it is if we were all involved. I would feel very uncomfortable being with two people at the same time, and I would be scared of my partner liking their other partner MORE than me because I have self worth issues. Thing is, some people would say that I'm being a bitch about it because I don't trust my partner enough to not leave me for someone else. Frankly, I disagree with their analysis but I don't see their point as being a bad thing. Yes I am scared of that, and no I will not put myself in a situation where I would have to worry about it. It's bad enough feeling that way anyway without willingly putting the option there. If you don't like the idea, then that is as normal as it needs to be. It's like that whole argument against gay relationships. Some people don't like them. How do we respond? NOBODY is forcing you to have a gay relationship. If you don't want one, don't have one. The same principle applies here.
ok, seems like a lot is going on in this situation. Here's some info that might help. According to therapist Joe Kort, in his 25+ years of working with gay couples that have been together more than 5 years, he's found that about 40% have some sort of non-monogamy arrangement. He also says that he was initially very resistant to this idea, that it could be healthy, but has come to believe, based on his clinical work, that it can work. He's pretty adamant in saying that if the relationship is less than 3 years old, monogamy rarely works and usually leads to the breakup of the relationship. He also says that any non-monogamy arrangement, to be healthy, must be discussed and the terms agreed to by both parties. Often, this is done with the help of a therapist. In order for it to be healthy, both parties must be equally willing and comfortable with the idea, otherwise resentment will ensue. Now... let's look at your situation as I understand it: -- Your partner has, from everything I can discern, cheated on you multiple times. I say "cheated" because there was no agreement for an open relationship. Additionally, he claims he is not interested in an open relationship, yet he continues to cheat on you. -- You've stated that you have self-esteem issues, and this likely is why you are willing to allow this situation to continue. You've also indicated that you, personally, are not interested in an open relationship. A person with healthy self-esteem would not permit this sort of boundary violation to occur, and particularly not repeatedly and after a discussion about open relationships has happened. -- The fact that he continues to cheat on you while telling you he does not want an open relationship is a strong indication that he has little to no respect for your needs or wishes, or even for authentic boundaries in the relationship. It is extraordinarily disrespectful to you, and further damages your own self-worth. If it were me, I would be ending the relationship. It seems clear that his commitment to you isn't very strong, and/or that he's got serious intimacy issues, communication issues, or both. Additionally, it seems there may be issues with his authenticity and honesty in the relationship. Since authenticity is one of the major foundations of any healthy relationship, without it, the relationship really isn't built on anything substantial and it's difficult to see how it could be healthy for you. I realize this is probably not what you want to hear, and the low-self-esteem messages may be things like "I don't deserve anything better" or "I won't be able to find anyone else." I would suggest that if you do decide to end the relationship, you spend some time single and do some work on loving yourself before getting into another relationship so you can avoid attracting the same sort of person next time around. It's never easy, but doing the work is well worth it in the long run.
Orignal question - are open relationships inevitable? Absolutely not. If one person in a relationship goes off with someone else without the other persons consent that is not even open (by definition). It is cheating though, and that's when I'd walk.
No, open relationships are (thankfully) not inevitable. I suspect that the inherent element of "weirdness" in the LGBT culture (drag queens, bears, fisting, etc.) leads to more couples exploring uncommon avenues, such as open relationships. Whereas straight relationships are far more traditional (male proposal, father-and-bride, wedding roles, etc.), and so that path is more taboo. However, I am resilient to say that he "cheated" on you because, in previous threads, you have participated in threesomes with him before. There is an extremely gray area between what constitutes adultery when sex with other individuals is already permitted. However, as Chip said, his commitment to you is questionable. He has intentionally lied and continually pursued exclusive sex with others. Personally, I would terminate the relationship because... 1) The deceit involved with his history of "outside fun" would cause me to constantly question any truthfulness in the future. Or, as Chip described it, an authenticity issue. 2) Unless I misinterpreted what you wrote, your partner has conveyed no effort or desire to stop these acts. 3) Although you seem to be "on-the-fence" about whether his "outside fun" truly hurts or excites you, your indecisiveness implies that you feel some foreboding for it. I hope you follow the course that you feel is best and that you find peace with wherever it leads you.
