Hi Guys I'm desperately seeking some advice on my life situation at the moment. Basically, I was with my girlfriend for 8 years and we have just split up because I fell head over heels for a guy at work who made me believe in love at first sight. I am now living with this guy in his flat. Context- I have been watching gay porn for ages whilst I was with my girlfriend and I have always lusted after lads when working with them or socializing with them. This new lad was just so deeply attractive (romantically and sexually) for me that I decided to leave my girlfriend and pursue a romantic relationship with him. Emotional/Moral repercussions- I feel nothing but immense guilt for the pain that I have put my ex-girlfriend through and I feel like I am lying to my boyfriend (the new lad) because I still find women sexually attractive). I also really grieving the loss of my last relationship with my ex-girlfriend. All I feel is guilt, shame and resentment but I want to be with this Lad. I know I can't have both but I just feel lost because of everything. I love being with this guy but I cannot help but wonder if I am just confused and have fucked my life up. Basically, I miss my ex (resentment, nostalgia and romantic longing) and I am head over heels about my new bf (excitment, romance and sexual awakening) and I'm confused sexually (Am I bi or Gay). I am also frustrated because I really want to be either gay or straight. But, alas, life is not so simple.
Okay, I think you need to calm down a little first. You have so many doubts and thoughts, they don't help at all, but just make you more confused. I'm not sure, but there's a possibility you've just got infatuated by this guy; this would explain why you're missing your ex-girlfriend so much, but still are so excited about this new relationship. There's also a chance that you're really in love with this guy: for how long have you known him and felt this way towards him? The answer may clear the situation a little. If you're really in love with this man, then you should continue your relationship with him; it's only normal to be nostalgic about a long relationship just finished, but if your feelings are true and strong, you'll feel better, eventually. Moreover, if you're really in love, don't feel bad about your girlfriend: if you didn't love her anymore, you did the right thing, and it would have been only cruel to continue your relationship with her just not to make her sad. I know it seems really superficial and cold, but sadly love relationships ends everyday (I just got out of a 14 months long one myself), and eventually she'll get over it, and you both will feel better. But, as I said, there's also the possibility that you're only infatuated: in this case, when the infatuation will end, you'll feel terrible, and you'll want to be with your girlfriend again, but you can't know if she'll want to get back together with you. In conclusion, I suggest you try to clear your mind and understand what you really feel for this guy. It could be the only chance to save your relationship with your ex-girlfriend, or to be happy with this man. For the last part of your message, I felt exactly like that when I discovered I was gay. I couldn't understand if I was just a lesbian or bisexual, and I couldn't bear the doubt. I still do it with difficulty. But, the truth is that the world isn't divided in gay and straight people; because people are complex, and often they're made out of various components. A good example of this is represented by the Kinsey scale. It has 7 grades to describe your sexual orientation! So, I think your problem with sexual orientation will get smaller and smaller with time: you just have to accept yourself for what you are, a complex being.
Maybe the easiest thing to deal with is the confusion about your sexuality and if you need to put a label to it. Some people do feel much happier and more secure if they can say "I am ???" How is it for you? On the basis of what you've told us, it would seem more likely that you are bisexual, with a stronger leaning (right now) for men. Can you accept that? It sounds like you left your ex before you embarked on a physical relationship with your new boyfriend and there is a lot to be said for that. It would have been far worse to maintain a pretence that everything is okay, knowing all the time that your feelings have changed. Take something from that. You would have caused more pain to have carried things on. As for where things stand now... it is important to be honest with yourself and the new guy and tell him that you are not completely over your ex yet. These feelings may pass with time, but you can't just discard your feelings like a piece of rubbish and he should be understanding about that. It's also important to be clear with him about your sexual orientation (as you understand it). He shouldn't be too surprised, as you have been in a relationship with the opposite sex, but it's always better to be honest.
