Does anyone else feel this way? I have mixed feelings on if I want a relationship or not. I've been single for a long time, and sometimes I get upset about this, while other times I really enjoy my freedom. I feel like I want someone to cuddle with and kiss (I've still never had my first kiss and I want to experience that!). I miss the feeling of infatuation and I want to know what real love feels like. I'm a hopeless romantic at heart that loves the exclusive commitment of steady relationships. I also feel jealous when my friends have boyfriends/girlfriends and constantly fantasize about one of my own. But at the same time, I feel like I don't want one either. I really like my personal freedom and although I like attention/affection, I need more space than the average person. I still need time alone to do my personal projects too (Art, updating webcomics), and I found that having clingy girlfriends gets in the way of finishing my work and having my me time (Not that I'm saying I put my work before a person, but It's still important to me that I do other things outside of a relationship). I'm also coming to terms with the fact that I'm a Gray-Asexual. I do feel sexual attraction to women, but It's rather rare. It takes me a long time of knowing who they are before I can even think that kind of thing; and It's to the point that I would get uncomfortable when a girl I'm dating expresses sexual attraction to me too early in the relationship. I'm not interested in sex at all, if anything I'm scared/repulsed toward it. I still crave a sexual relationship with a girl, but for me It's a possible three times a month thing. I feel almost down on myself being on EC and reading people's sexual issues with their partners, when I think "I would be that partner". I don't even have the interest to change my sexual desire either. I used to be really horny all the time and engaged in the "solo" stuff constantly, but I never enjoyed it and it made me a depressed person. Later, I got meds to decrease my sex drive and I'm finally a happy person. I'm scared of going back to that miserable stage I'd be afraid that a sexual relationship (If she asks for it way too much) would make me resent my partner. I'd rather just draw, play video games, and kiss/cuddle than do anything with genitalia (although I do think it can be nice as long as it isn't all the time). But at the same time I want everything else that comes with a relationship....the love, the commitment, the kissing and cuddling, even the idea of parenting a child. It kind of scares me a little? It's like I want a girlfriend, but I feel like having one would make me more miserable than I am now when I read about all the relationship troubles, and things I don't seem that interested in.
Are you sure I didn't write this and then you added a paragraph about asexuality? Yes I understand COMPLETELY. More than anything I can think of right now I want SOMEONE. I want someone to cuddle up to and watch movies and things, to kiss and to prove I'm a good girlfriend to. Then I want them to disappear for some time so I can do my own things without worrying that I'm not paying attention to them or the other way around! Thing is, I have two extremes as far as experience goes. My only relationship I've had was long distance, which meant when I did see my girlfriend I saw her for a week at a time. ALL the time. Obviously we were both living at home so we were basically restricted to our bedrooms or going out somewhere. You can't do your own thing when you've invited someone else to your house!! On the other hand, I've got my mum and step-dad. They don't do a damn thing together most of the time, and I fail to see why they got together in the first place. The last thing I want is to be like them. I don't want a relationship where I am so selfish about having my own time that I neglect a partner! Finding that middle ground is hard, but I guess that's the point of getting to know someone, isn't it. You figure out how to make it work together! Unfortunately I can't relate to the asexual bit as I'm every bit as keen to be a good girlfriend sexually as I am in other respects, but I see why it would worry you!
I feel a little similar, I want a girlfriend very badly but I know if I had one I would think I wouldn't have my freedom anymore I can't do things like , I want but it's nice to have some one you know that you can cuddle with and kiss plus hold hands
Yeah I feel the same way, I'm not a very sexual person, I want to be in love desperately though. But honestly I know I'm not in a good enough place mentally to even try to find one. But the loneliness is crushing me.
I can understand this. I value my space VERY highly, but that doesn't mean I'm not affectionate. I love being around others and talking to them, spending time with them and such, but I still have limits. Even when I invite someone who's just a friend over, I get sick of them by the fourth hour of hanging around them and need to be alone, or else I get irritable. I couldn't stand having a girlfriend that needs to see me for six hours or so at a time. I'd have to separate from her at that point. It doesn't mean I'd be a neglectful partner though, It's just for as many hours as I spend with someone, I also need that much time for space too. I really dislike overly clingy people in general, especially when they try to take things I enjoy away from me. My ex-girlfriends for example, didn't understand my passion for art. My dream was always to make a webcomic (and I'm making a long one that might take more than a decade to complete), but I never got time off to draw when I was dating and they even went as far to stop me from drawing all together. I ended up breaking up because I couldn't stand it. I won't make my girlfriend feel like art is more important than her, but I also won't tolerate her getting in the way of finishing the dream I set out for myself. If there's a way to balance the two, I'd love a relationship then! But I don't want to be confined into a hole by someone. Difficulties, huh?
