I don't post much on here but I really need an outlet right now. I cut myself the other day (not too badly, with a compass, and I carved the word "fat" into my leg) and my mother is furious, possibly done with me. My dad took it better than I'd expected, but I can still feel his anger towards me. The guidance counselors at school called them. I didn't want them to and the idea made me very sick. My mom calls me a coward and believes that I enjoy feeling miserable and I'm unwilling to change. She sent me a really hurtful text and I'm afraid to call her but maybe not saying anything would make it worse??? But I feel like saying something could also make it worse. She's given up on me, convinced that I'm a bratty teenager who doesn't give a shit. I'm just a bad kid. I had a panic attack today as well as last night, and earlier it was so bad I literally couldn't breathe and my side was hurting. I was home alone. I recently figured out that I was androgynous, and I'm still not comfortable with that nor my sexuality. It's humiliating and whenever I talk about it I have to hide my face. I don't have much support from my parents about my gender. And they don't let me do anything. I'm suffocating under their rules and restrictions. "You can't wear this/do this/dye your hair/cut your hair/go outside/listen to this/watch this/hang out with them/draw this/decorate your room/etc. I've got no fucking room to breathe and it hurts like hell to be held back so tightly. I feel out of touch with my friends and completely alone. I hate myself. I hate falling in love. It hurts and I'm embarrassed when it's a girl. I've got no one I can talk to anymore. I'm sick of crying, sick of being weak and breaking down each day. I'm getting nowhere. I'm not doing anything. I want to make a difference in the world, but I can't even make someone notice me. ---------- Post added 10th Apr 2014 at 07:42 PM ---------- Please someone help me right now this isn't fun...
We notice you. You aren't alone or unwanted. All of us here want you and want to see you grow into someone who makes a difference for all of us. Parents are confusing and often times, they simply don't understand. We're sort of like alien beings to each other and when you add gender and sexuality into the mix, things become even more complicated. It sounds like your parents are indeed very controlling over you but remember that it's only for a few more years. When I came out (just as a lesbian, no gender stuff) at 11, my mother confiscated books, movies, clothes, and ripped posters off of my walls. I was under virtual house arrest. I wasn't allowed out of her sight for nearly two years and then, I felt basically invisible. I home schooled and had no friends - nothing but my thoughts. But I can tell you that it really does get so much better. And no matter what else they may control, your thoughts are your own. Dream of who you want to be and CAN be. Dream of love and adventure and glory. No one can defeat a fortress made of dreams. They have the power right now but your will must be stronger than theirs. And we are all here to help you. Hang in there. (*hug*)
Not that this will probably be helpful, but I think any extra weight on you is the *last* thing you should be worried about. It sounds like your relationship with your parents is terrible. Try talking to them and not only explaining your situation, but asking them why they have such negative feelings towards you. And I am certain that you will be frustrated for hearing this next part: You're 14. As far as I'm concerned, life doesn't really start until college age. All the time before that is just figuring out whatever you can and establishing a crude sense of identity to use when you get out from under your parents. So at the very least, grit your teeth and take care of business. The hell you're living in won't last forever.
I honestly have so much going on and it's every little thing that's killing me right now. My dad says a lot of stuff about how I'm not eating right, I'm gonna get fat, etc, and it makes me feel really insecure to the point where I really would rather not eat anything at all. I skip meals a lot and I hate looking at myself. And as much as I try to talk to them, I can't get through to them, and I've given up for fear of making things worse as that tends to be the outcome. And I get the last part. I just hate hearing it honestly because I feel like I could be doing so much but instead I am wasting my time. It feels awful knowing what I could do and yet I sit here and cry over not being close to anyone. And Gates, I'm sorry you had to go through that with your mom. But what you said really helps.
Wow, it seems as if your parents are suffocating you. "Helicopter parents" if I have ever heard of one :l It sucks that you don't have a lot of support, but I was in a similar situation not very long ago. You just need to find a good escape, someplace to release your emotions and be who you are. If your school produces a play annually, a language club, or a sport (if you're that type) I would recommend any of these as it would give you some breathing room from your parents and it gives people a chance to socialize and become friends. A permanent solution to the problem I cannot think of at the moment, but I can give some more advice (...yay) . I would say to go and talk to the school counselor about your suicidal thoughts right now- but that would be pretty fruitless seeing as that happened because of them being legally binded to notify parents of any self-destructive behaviours. Being suicidal is not a good path to be taking, it is so much easier to see only the negative things in life, but in doing so you neglect all the things people take for granted, and of course you never know when life will take a turn for the better- especially at the most unexpected of times. Hope this helps you out, and if you ever need more help make sure to reach out to EC!
Until we reach a certain age our lives are controlled and ordered in various ways - by parents, schools, teachers, siblings, peers. If it's done well, it can help young people like you grow and develop as an individual and gain huge amounts of confidence, but if it's done badly it can have a very negative impact and feel like the worst time of our lives. I'm really sorry it's going so wrong for you now Skater. You have done really well in talking about your feelings through this message board. I'm not just saying that to be kind - it does take a certain amount of strength and courage to say how we feel, especially when there is so much stuff going on, including the the desire to cut and thoughts of suicide. Don't bottle any of these feelings up, but really think about these things. Some questions to consider (answer if you wish) ... when you cut, what difference did it make to your feelings... did you feel different, or better during or afterwards? When you think of suicide, what would dying mean to you... do you want to be gone forever or is it that you want life to be much brighter and better than it is now? I know these are fairly deep questions and I'm not expecting answers, but do try to think about them and what it is you really want. You've had some lovely responses on here already and it demonstrates that people really care. The fact that we've taken time to read and respond shows that, I hope. It probably feels like a lonely time, but there are thousands of people using EC and lots of people will read what you say. Keep talking Skater - it really is a good thing to do.
