:bang::bang::bang: Just when I thought I was coming to terms with things, now this gets thrown at me. I just read the thread on HOCD and now I am even more confused than ever. To give you a brief history I am 33, I was married at 27, divorced at 31 and have a 4 year old daughter. I have always thought I was gay, for as long as I can remember anyway. Other than two instances in my youth (maybe between 6 & 10) fooling around with a cousin or family friend, I have never been with a guy. I have been with a lot of girls (not bragging), i think that this was a way of compensating for my insecurities, though most of these were one night stands or one off's as I found it hard to be attracted to a girl after I had sex with her (man that sounds bad). So after wrestling with these thoughts I finally built up the courage to come out to my wife, we separated and are now divorced. So for about 2 years I have been single and have actually been with 2 girls since but no guys. The thought of kissing, having sex with a guy kind of grosses me out and I've always (bar one or two times) been able to get an erection with women. I just always thought that once I fully excepted myself and had actually been with a guy that I would get past these feelings. I do also have a fairly OCD type personality, but the obsession with being gay would occupy my thoughts very close to 100% of my time throughout my lifetime though funnily enough not so much any gay sexual fantasies. I have come out to all my family and close friends but yet in almost 2 years I haven't kissed or even touched another guy in that way....in fact i've only been out with one guy and I kind of freaked when he wanted to come up to my flat/unit. Having said all that,however, HOCD sounds like something a religious organisation would come up with to convince those that are confused with their sexuality to stay in the closet ?!? Can anyone confirm that it is an actual disorder ? P.S Wow, after re-reading all that it comes across that it's pretty obvious that maybe I am not gay but yet something inside me still says I am. :help: I think for me now I just want to know one way or the other, I don't care if I am I just want to be able to accept it and go on with my life.
I had never heard of HOCD before I came to Empty Closets, and when I first read about it, I was skeptical. A quick search brings up a lot of hits, but nothing that looks particularly authoritative. I'm sure some people have obsessed about it, because people seem to obsess about all sorts of strange things. However, do you really think you would've come out to your ex-wife, etc., solely because of OCD? That seems unlikely, to say the least...
I believe HOCD is NOT recognized by the professionals. What was going on in your marriage? Did you just use being gay as an easy out?
This HOCD thing sounds a bit weird. I think you probably are just gay. I've got to say I feel the exact same way as you- being gay occupies my thoughts 100% of the time, yet I have no urge to be with I guy. I have no gay fantasies either. The thought of being with a guy makes me feel a bit disgusted. I've even tried watching porn with two guys making out and doing it. Its just made me feel worse! I'm out to my parents but I still feel weird about it all. However, I think this is because I haven't fully came to terms with the fact that I'm gay. My twin brother is also gay and has slept with both a girl and a guy but said that sleeping with the guy felt 'wrong'. Probably cause he's been made to feel this way. Personally I think is due to the fact that you've had the idea that being gay is wrong deeply ingrained in your head. I'd give yourself time to come to terms with it. Maybe you should try fooling around with a guy? It might help you confirm to yourself that you're gay. I know you said you freaked out last time but maybe you've just not found the right guy? Just try taking it really slowly. You'll get there I'm sure. You've spent so many years fighting these feelings its no wonder that you feel that they're wrong Good luck, I hope you find your way
Thanks guys, I think you may be right. I think the fact that I latched onto the idea of HOCD shows that I haven't really come to terms with and accepted it yet. I think I was just clutching at the possibility more than anything. I just want to say that this site is awesome, it really does help to know that others are going through the same thing.
In short, HOCD is bullshit. If you have OCD, then it is possible that obsession over whether or not you are gay could be one of the obsessive patterns but it would not likely be the only one. And as far as sex, there are plenty of gay guys who have been with lots of women and performed fine, so that, by itself, isn't a reliable indicator. What it boils down to is, where are your strongest sexual fantasies? When you masturbate without porn, is it to guys, girls, or both? When you watch porn is it gay or straight? If straight, are you watching the guys or the girls? These questions should help you get a clearer picture.
Hey sorry this is a random post but I remembered this thread pretty much summed up how I was feeling. Somebody recently told me I'm suffering from a 'mental block'. Pretty much after years in denial its prevented me from the feeling of love to other guys. I reckon it sounds like its the same for you
Honestly I find the whole idea of HOCD preposterous. However I'm sure there are cases of it because people like to lie about their sexuality to be accepted. I won't lie, I still masquerade around as strait to most people. But I think that's mostly cause I'm not ready to let my family know about me yet and I don't want it to get back to them.
