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I've made a huge mistake...I just don't know what to do

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by MyLittleWorld, Apr 15, 2014.

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  1. MyLittleWorld

    MyLittleWorld
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    I just sit here in a total hate for myself... 3 years ago I broke up with my frist boyfriend because I started to avoid him (actually avoided kissing him and all...) It lasted 9 months and I really enjoyed spending time with him. He fell hard and I didn't for unknown reason... Back then I thought I was bisexual but never thought about it too much it's like I knew I liked girls but I had a bf so I never thought that I might be gay... God knows how terrible I felt for breaking his heart. Now he has a new girlfriend and when he told me he was happy I felt relief in my chest. I am really happy for him.

    Now the reason I am writing this here is I have a boyfriend again. I really like him. We are together now for 5 months. First months was amazing I liked him and I loved to spend time with him. I found it fun to hold his hand or hug him and I wanted to try kissing him. Well the time came and he kissed me. It was just simple peck on lips. I enjoyed it. Later more serious kissing was awkward and I always ended it really fast. I feel nothing. I liked him kissing my neck or touching me (but I think he just knew my weakness.) I could get turned on by it and I could kiss him in the dark... I remember when he took his shirt off I thought something was missing on his chest... My mind just scares me. Then I saw this girl in school...she is just amazing. I do not have a crush on her I am just attracted to her and I think..well, I like her. I started to question my sexuality. I found out I never checked-out guys it was always girls I was looking at... I am still trying to understand my feelings... I had crushes on guys but not sexual ones and that's why I can say I am biromantic lesbian.

    The problem is that now I hate when he hugs me, I hate when he kisses me, I get so mad and pissed... my body itself is pushing him away. Even that emotional attraction is starting to fade... I just can't understand what is happening to me and I am really scared for myself and for him. I don't want to hurt him. I said to him I was bisexual. But it's not the same as biromantic lesbian if truly saying...I think my biromantic feelings was consequence of hetero-normative society... When I don't let him hold my hand he asks me why and when we kiss and I turn away he always asks me if it's his fault... I said I wanted to tell him something but I just have to find the right words... he said he even could forgive me adultery because he would blame himself... I feel this is more awful than adultery now...

    Can somebody give me some advice? I'm really sorry for your time. Your opinion would be really important..:confused:
     
    #1 MyLittleWorld, Apr 15, 2014
  2. MyLittleWorld

    MyLittleWorld
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    I guess I just have to give up...
     
    #2 MyLittleWorld, Apr 15, 2014
  3. blond

    blond
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    this is going to sound blunt, but do you still love him?
     
    #3 blond, Apr 15, 2014
  4. Lukas17

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    Hi :smilewave
    If you don't feel comfortable with him why should you have to be with him? I mean if that's not working you can't help yourself or make yourself to love him. Am I right? You said you feel awful because of that and if you don't love him you won't feel better if something doesn't change. I hope just everything will be alright whether you'll stay with him or not. Hugs (*hug*)
     
    #4 Lukas17, Apr 15, 2014
  5. MyLittleWorld

    MyLittleWorld
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    I think I didn't loved my ex bf and now I'm not in love with my current bf. I can't imagine being romantic with guys...long time I thought I just wasn't hopeless romantic like many girls are but later I found out I can feel all these feelings for girls... I don't know what I feel for guys but it is like a conection or emotional attraction..

    ---------- Post added 15th Apr 2014 at 10:46 AM ----------
    I feel awful really. I feel like a liar because he thinks I am bisexual...
     
    #5 MyLittleWorld, Apr 15, 2014
  6. Lukas17

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    You should make everything what you consider it's ok by your side and then you should feel better. If you're strong enough you can explain everything and if you can deal with all these things :slight_smile:
     
    #6 Lukas17, Apr 15, 2014
  7. MyLittleWorld

    MyLittleWorld
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    I feel like I'm not strong enough... you see my ex bf was really hurt after we broke up... he drunk, cutted himself, tried to drown... It's awful, I am so scaried now.
     
    #7 MyLittleWorld, Apr 15, 2014
  8. blond

    blond
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    Do you think your current BF would try harm himself? If so, be careful you don't want anything bad to happen. I would try to talk about it with him. i don't know what i would say, but that's all i can think of right now. Whatever you do please be careful.
     
    #8 blond, Apr 15, 2014
  9. Lukas17

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    You should be careful whatever you do. I'm really sorry for everything you have to get through but you have to find a way how to get out. Do something gradually, step by step, whatever you are going to do. If that happened with ex bf, doesn't mean that it must happen with this bf. Before you do anything you should really think about everything :icon_sad:
     
    #9 Lukas17, Apr 15, 2014
  10. MyLittleWorld

    MyLittleWorld
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    I thought about doing this step by step but I do not know how big these steps can be and where to start...

    ---------- Post added 16th Apr 2014 at 01:00 AM ----------
    He is emotional person and there is signs he would do something... But I jus don't know how to talk with him about it..?:icon_sad:
     
    #10 MyLittleWorld, Apr 16, 2014
  11. An0n

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    I might sound horrible but you are not responsible for the actions of others. You need to be honest and tell him that you have since realised you're a lesbian.

    Some people will use emotional blackmail and manipulation but that's not love, that's not respect and that's certainly not healthy.
    If you're that worried about him speak to his family, explain you want to end the relationship because you don't feel anything for him but voice your concerns about his wellbeing - as his family they should give him support.

    You cannot live your life for someone else.
     
    #11 An0n, Apr 16, 2014
  12. Lukas17

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    You could first start with some "stupid" joke what would he do if you left him or something like that. You could say something in that way, not these words but something similar. You know how much you're ready for every step.
     
    #12 Lukas17, Apr 16, 2014
  13. MyLittleWorld

    MyLittleWorld
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    I know I'm not responsible for the actions of others but I'm with him and I would feel guilty if something happened to him. By the way, I'm quite sure his family could blame me too...

    The other day I told him I will have to tell him something that will end everything. He asked if there is anything he can do to keep it and my answer was no. He is even planning his future with me and this really scares me... I asked him if he wanted to know this now and end it or let it come out in time... he chose to let it come out by itself...I don't know is this okay...?
     
    #13 MyLittleWorld, Apr 16, 2014
  14. Lukas17

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    I really don't know what could you do anymore if you've even told him. I wish you only luck for your next steps. (*hug*) I'll only say that you can't force yourself to love someone.
     
    #14 Lukas17, Apr 16, 2014
  15. MyLittleWorld

    MyLittleWorld
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    The only thing he knows is that I need to tell him something.. ;/
     
    #15 MyLittleWorld, Apr 16, 2014
  16. Lukas17

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    But he doesn't know what you have to say him?
     
    #16 Lukas17, Apr 16, 2014
  17. MyLittleWorld

    MyLittleWorld
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    No, he doesn't know that
     
    #17 MyLittleWorld, Apr 16, 2014
  18. Lukas17

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    Oh, well then good luck if you decide to tell him (*hug*)
     
    #18 Lukas17, Apr 16, 2014
  19. MyLittleWorld

    MyLittleWorld
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    You helped a lot :slight_smile: thanks (*hug*)
     
    #19 MyLittleWorld, Apr 16, 2014
  20. An0n

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    You have to tell him at some point so it's less painful to do it now than further down the line when he probably believes you're going to stay with him no matter what you tell him.

    The fact of the matter is the longer you leave it the more damage you will do.
     
    #20 An0n, Apr 16, 2014
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