gold star lesbians

There are 2 things that strike me as odd in this post.

1. Am iI the only one in this day and age who doesn't need to sleep with a man to confirm my sexuality? - While I cannot deny some people will sleep with a guy to 'confirm their identity', I am fairly confident that most girls don't. In fact by the sounds of things most of the lesbians I know who have slept with guys did so for a multitude of reasons including:
-shame
-denial of sexuality
-coercion
-peer pressure
-lack of knowledge about sexuality

and probably many more.

2. my disgust for penis prevents me from doing stuff lesbians do in bed - keeping in mind that with the exception of STI's there is no possible remnant of 'penis' left on a girl after a good wash, this seems fairly extreme...I mean if your disgust is SO BAD that you literally cannot be with someone who has had contact with one in the past...I mean personally I would want to get help because that seems like a pretty big issue to me...

 

I guess I don't totally understand this but in a way I kind of can imagine where you are coming from. I mean, to be fair I wouldn't be thrilled about some of the female-bodied exes other people have either. But I guess, I dissociate this person from them. I think that you probably feel this way because deep down you are insecure. You are insecure that the girl you are with will eventually leave you. In a lot of ways, I think society worships male sexuality as defining females'... just look at how the female body is so commodifed and literally defined by the straight cis male perspective. So, as lesbians it takes an additional step to recall, hey, I am my own. Then you might have scars from the past, as I'm sure you've gotten people constantly tell you that lesbian sex isn't real. Or that you don't know yet.....or that you are just a recipient/utility in the act. It's sad that we still need to internalize this, but society is still not truly away from it's roots. SO basically, I think you feel this way because you feel insecure do to all that society has done to not only diminish female sexuality and separate it from male desire but in particular society's erasure of lesbianism.

 

I agree with the above poster on this one. I understand how you feel to some extent, especially if you've also been through the pain I have of people erasing us and our sexual experiences. However, I think avoiding women who have been with men for that reason is a bit extreme, especially if you don't know their whole story.

For example, I almost slept with a guy once. Not because I thought I was attracted to them, but because I wanted to be validated and fit in as "non-virginal". I'm glad I didn't do it, because I would have regretted it, but not only that- other lesbians may have rejected me as a partner.

There are also times when I feel threatened by women who are attracted to men because my mind automatically thinks "Phallocentrism, they won't validate me" and it takes a long time to retrust and learn that it isn't always the case.

I don't know what your experiences are, but these are mine.

 

I actually kind of feel bad for lesbians who dismiss women who have slept with men.......I mean, why........isn't the dating pool small enough? And it's not like you are having sex with a man but just this one woman...

I guess if you think of it that way it might make more sense.

 

I am one of those lesbians your talking about , I slept with a guy for some of the reasons listed above . From a very young age I knew I liked women , I grew up in a world where everyone around me was heterosexual I never met another woman like me . I got caught kissing a girl at age 8 and was beaten by my dad for kissing the girl . I use to wonder why was it wrong for me to kiss a girl , men and women kiss all the time why can't we kiss. My dad told me it was a sin and that I could go to hell for kissing that girl and that I must stop if I didn't want to go to hell . I did contintue kissing that girl but even she treated me like I wasn't normal when I devloped feelings for to the point where if I showed emotional feelings or romantic feels she would hit me or even tell me something was wrong with me and even threaten to tell my dad . sometimes she used this to get me to do things she wanted . So at a young age I knew being a lesbian was not ok . In fact I didn't know what was a lesbian . As a child I had a crush on my next door neighbor who was a girl . Most of my life I only had feelings for girls but since I was told what I was feeling was wrong I rejected it and tried to like guys people told me I was a late bloomer or that I was a good girl and that I will like guys when I got older .
Some of us aren't lucky to learn at a young age that we're lesbians , and some of us learn at a young age and are taught to reject it so when stuff like this happens of course we will be with men before we meet other women . This doesn't make us any less of a lesbian than gold star lesbians because what some lesbians who think similar to you don't understand is most of us and why we were with men comes from a dark place .
Not everyone is lucky and some of us have been through abuse

The sad part is your missing out on good potential mates

 

I've never slept with a man because I have never been interested. Since I was old enough/mature enough for relationships I've always seen myself with women, never men. I just don't have an interest in penis.

That said I wouldn't rule a woman out for her past sexual experiences. Firstly, what she got up to before me has no bearing on our relationship. Secondly, who am I to judge someone else? Irrespective of why, when, whatever, we are all different and sexual experience does not define who we are as people.

 

The past is the past. It's like men who only want to date virgins. Just cause they had sex with a man doesn't mean they are somehow tainted. And I would think most people wash down there, so it's very unlikely that anything there could remind you of penis.

I also never slept with a man, by the way, and yet I don't see why it's such a big deal if someone has. I'm guessing you wouldn't date a bisexual either then. What can I say, holding such views can make you miss out on some great women.

 

I know. It's the patriarchy that makes lesbians act like this. I honestly have never seen it in any other sexuality. Lesbians are more insecure when it comes to the opposite sex than other sexualities because other sexualities involve a penis, and therefore are more understood.

I think It's the general fear that "A penis is better than what I have to offer, It's more "real" ". Which sounds really crazy, but I also can't blame the lesbian community for feeling that way when they are raised to have those feelings.

I wouldn't refuse any woman who has slept with men either though. It's pretty unfair considering a lot of lesbians don't know who they are until later in life. It doesn't mean they won't validate you now. I would only refuse to be with someone if I knew for a fact they don't view lesbian sex on the same level as hetero sex, and that can be anyone; bisexuals, lesbians with heterosexual experience, and even gold star lesbians. I've seen this attitude in all three groups, but I've also seen the reverse in all three groups.

Our phallocentric society is such a terrible thing, It's made so many lesbians into this group of hostile, male-phobic people. I can't help but think that if more people validated us that more lesbians wouldn't be so scared of their partner liking/having been with men.

 

I never liked the term "gold star lesbian." Like other posters have said, there can be many reasons why a lesbian has had sex with a man. Shame, not finding out their sexuality until later, peer pressure, rape. Would a lesbian be "gold star" if she was raped against her will? That's why I have such a problem with it and it shames women similar to how the concept of virginity shames women.

I personally wouldn't care if a women I'm dating had sex with a man, it's not like she's tainted by penis. I can understand where people come from when it comes to these things though since our society is so male-centric.

 

With me, your post feels the same as a man saying he wouldn't sleep with a women unless she was a virgin...... I suppose I find your post hard to read because yes, I have slept with a man and I am feeling judged by having a not so pure Lesbian life as you. But hayhoe, each to their own and everyone has a right to their own opinion.

 

I don't like the term either. I was going to mention that too. It just feels...you know, discriminatory.

I've never slept with a man myself, but I also don't feel like it makes me "pure".

Like I said, this is all a part of phallocentric society, and it sucks. I think a lot of lesbians buy into the "If you had a penis in you, you're tainted goods" like the rest of society (especially religion) teaches us.

In a way I think "Gold star lesbian" is the lesbian term for "technical virgin". Because think about it. Religious girls have oral/anal sex all the time and they think they're more pure/higher than a girl who had pre-martial PIV sex once. On the flip side "Gold star lesbians" also treat girls who had PIV sex once as lower/inferior in the same way and think highly of themselves for not doing so. I know the difference is that "Gold stars" usually don't consider themselves "virgins"; but the concepts are very similar in shame and purity.

Does this make sense? It's almost like middle ages thinking.

To me if one sexual act is impure, they all are.

Now with that being said, I do understand why lesbians can be afraid of dating women with some male experience (Not that I JUSTIFY it, I just understand it) because of our male-centric culture. But that can be solved by simply getting to know the person and their views. I still struggle with that myself from past experiences, but I think to me it affected dating in general. Even with full lesbians I get scared and ask "How do you define sex?" within a few days of talking so I know who to avoid.

 

Hate to burst your bubble, but even a "gold-star" lesbian could of had partners who were females in all but body.

I think you'd want a different term for someone who's never been penetrated by a penis.

I don't know how you could go about only dating women who have only ever been with biological women, not without some super specific dating site profile.

But like most have said, once she washes up...the "penis taint" should be gone.

 

There is comfort in knowing that you can provide everything your partner wants (emotionally, mentally, sexually) so I can understand what you are saying about wanting to be with gold star lesbians. I have experienced this myself to a lesser degree where I find I become more insecure in regards to male exes of my significant others and less insecure in regards to female exes of my significant others. Perhaps those doubts stem from an insecurity within yourself as my own undoubtedly do? I do not think that just because a woman has been with a man sexually that they have been tainted in anyway just as they haven't been if they have had any previous sexual partners in general, but I can see your point.

 

This is something you can work through and maybe see why you have these deep feelings xx Could you talk to a counseller about this maybe?

 

I'm not sure that you can become asexual if you are not already, but perhaps that is a different discussion entirely. I am sorry you feel so upset about this and I hope my post did not offend or distress you further. I was honestly just trying to acknowledge what you were saying and that I have had similar experiences of my own so I can understand it in a way.

Perhaps you don't have commitment issues but you just haven't found a person, or people, to settle down with. Perhaps a monogamous relationship is not for you at all even. Have you considered a nonexclusive relationship?

 

You can't "become" asexual. You could become celibate, but that doesn't mean you don't experience sexual attraction. Maybe you could take antidepressants or some other medication, or start menopause, to reduce your libido to nothing, that's about the only way to "become" asexual, and that's still debatable. Really the fact that you would say that just comes across as ignorant and kind of offensive.

 

I hate the term Gold star . :dry:

 

Yeah I agree you cant become asexual and thinking you can just "become" asexual is ignorant as well.. I will give you the benefit that you may not not now what asexual is completely..