Hi guys! Im very new to this forum and I really admire every single one of you. Just seeing you people help each other out and make people like me smile and give us more hope and strength, made me think about posting my own, unique story on here and ask for some help. It is long I know, but I'd really appreciate it if you would take the time to read it. Thank you (srry if my english is bad, but Im not native english speaker) How it all started: Just 2 years ago I discovered my sexuality. Though I dont like to label myself because there is no actual label that I fit perfectly I'd say Im bisexual (but more lesbian). This fact destroyed me so much then. First of all I've been a pretty religious girl back then. So it was a really really hard time for me to understand why the whole christianity I believed in was suddenly against people like me. I didn't know why "god" would hate me just because I loved someone of the same sex. It never made sense to me. Besides of that Im coming from an Indian family which makes the whole thing 100 times worse. (but thank god I was born and am living in Europe)In my life I have no one to talk to. I have no friends I really trust. Everyone likes me because I'm fun and kind but I never manage to open up to people. I'm so afraid of how they would judge me so I never opened up to anyone. Not even my parents. My parents are really nice people but they had an arranged marriage and they never really loved each other. I always knew that, since I was a kid. There are no hugs, no kisses in my family. Sometimes I ask myself why they wont just divorce and stop the whole arguing and fighting for our sake. They just try to keep the family together because of me and my sibling. Growing up (im 18 now) I had a hard time with my father because my mother always made fun of him and I saw him as a piece of shit (as she did). Those times have actually gone by and I realized that if there is anybody in this world who loves me more than anthing else ... its my father. Right now Im trying to improve my relationship with my father bit by bit and Im more and more noticing how toxic my mom is. I dont want to say that she is "bad" and she has gone through a LOT in life too, but without know it she was hurtin my feelings. Another hardship in my life is that just 4 years ago I started losing my hair. I have Alopecia. As i mentioned before I had no one to talk to about anything and I was so worried that I always tried to cover up the bald spots. Years have gone by and I never cared for my hair nor my health at all. I always ate everything. I ate healthy foods, junk food, just everything people or my parents put on my plate. Last year I told my mum about my hair problem. We went to see a dermatologist. I was so ashamed of myself and my hair that I not even looked into the dermatologists eyes. I still wanted to find out what the reason of my hairloss is. I started searching in the internet and I found out that stress and bad diet are a big cause. I never felt stress actually so I always thought I wasn’t stressed but I knew this couldn’t be the case. Thinking back from now, I think the whole sexuality questionings, my bad relationships, my relationship with my dad and my toxic mom and everything had somehow caused all of this hairloss. Right now I'm in my final year of school. I'm trying to get the best grades to get out of this place I'm living and study in England. It’s a stressful time but I believe its worth it. I told my parents that I want to study in England because of the opportunities in jobs you get after that and because it’s a beautiful country. Though these reasons are true, I actually am doing it to get away from home to start a new life, to be a new authentic and true me and to live out my sexuality. This year has been so great so far. Im starting to accept myself in my head, I changed my diet and Im eating much more healthier food. Sometimes I still have days where I want to give all of this an end. No one will ever understand what Im going through. Not only my sexuality is affecting me but also my baldness (especially as a women), my bad relationships (especially with my parents) and everything else just drags me down. I have so many plans for my life and so many goals I want to achieve. I strongly believe I deserve to be happy like everyone else does. I want to be a motivational speaker and help people all around the world become the best version of themselves. Im so good at so many things and I really want to make friends, trust them and enjoy living the true me but my insecurities are holding me back. Im always afraid of people judging me and every time I make friends or I hear something I associate it with my "lesbian Identity". Thats when I feel so down. I just CAN NOT commit SUICIDE. This shouldn’t happen. I don’t want to leave this world but sometimes I look into the future and I see no way than doing that. Im so afraid of ever coming out. I dont have a support group and never really had one. Im so afraid because I don’t want to hurt my parents or make their life bad (especially as indians there would be sooo much trouble with religion, culture and everything) so I think if I commited suicide there wouldn’t be any problems for anybody. However I deserve to live and there is so much I want to see and do in this world and I really want to leave a story behind me for the people and generations which will come. I want to be an inspiration for people who fight so many things like me. I want to be loved and I want to be allowed to love. I don’t want to be judged, I just want to love and live. Why is It so hard for me? Why is this ALL happening at once? How can I change? How can I reduce my stress levels. There is sooo much stress about staying in the closet. So much stress about hearing my parents fight with each other. So much stress seeing my mother hurt me with her words and false expectations about my future (marriage and stuff) . So much. I don’t know where to start... Well, thanks for reading this. It feels kinda good to write this stuff down from my mind. Lots of love
First, your English was awesome so no worries there. Second, I commend you for dealing with everything that you have. "When it rains, it pours" seems to be an accurate expression here. Third, I don't think you need to change yourself as a person, but to change your perspective and outlook on life. It is okay to have the feelings that you do - about your sexuality, your family situation, your health, etc. You don't have to reject those feelings but acknowledge them and then act to the best of your ability to shape an outcome that you want to see. Having a close support network would go a long towards achieving some acceptance of yourself and your feelings. Your parent's relationship is not yours. They are grown adults and it is up to them to deal with it as they see fit. Although it affects you as their child, of course, it is still their own relationship. You wouldn't expect them to fix your relationship with someone would you? So I wouldn't stress about that. Perhaps you and your mother need to have a long sit down and talk about all of these worries you have and how her behaviors affect you. And if that toxicity cannot be solved, then it should leave your life. Just like a toxic physical environment, if it cannot be corrected, you have to leave the area otherwise risk health hazards.
