I don’t mean I won’t take accountability for my actions, no. I’m saying that I’ll never be a responsible adult. I don’t know why. It just kinda seems inevitable. I know I’m a kid at heart, and everyone knows it. Hell, I’m wearing a Pikachu hat. Or maybe the word sounds scary? I don’t know. I’m just used to life just telling me over and over that I can never be responsible, even if I tried. And believe me, OH BELIEVE ME, I have tried. Many times. And each time was very short-lived, and I’ve failed every single time. I think life is trying to tell me something Anyway, yeah. It’s an important thing I know I need to learn. I suppose I don’t know what the true definition of it is, and that’s why? Or maybe I just feel hopeless about it. I mean… I’m falling asleep now. Which isn’t going to hold well in class. Yippee, my sleeping schedule is way out of whack again. And that’s another thing. That’s part of being responsible. Sleeping at decent times so that you won’t fall asleep in class. And BOY, am I horrible at that! Perhaps someone should just hit me with a life brick. Or maybe just a regular brick. Maybe that’ll do the trick. And now I’m contemplating on skipping school all over again. Yay. What a loser I am for thinking of giving up so soon. I dunno. I know it's my first year living alone, but after my school pretty much telling me I failed big time and that my only 2 options were to either give up or look like a complete idiot in front of the whole school by retaking 5+ classes (which means 5K+ in US dollars out of my parents' pockets, go privilege). I also know I'm in an 18 month waiting period. This article right here explains my life, if you put it in loop. And part of me says to get out of this shit, to be a responsible adult and to get my act together, and part of me says to stay being who I am. I feel like there's no way to be both, if you get what I mean.
I am jealous of your pikachu hat and I hope to get one one day I understand your situation, my boyfriend is roughly in the same one. Find something you like and make it your life. That way, you won't need to force yourself to be responsible. You'll do it because you like it and doing it will feel natural. I know it takes a while to figure out what we want to do, but it's worth it. Take the time you need and figure out what you like. You'll pull yourself out of this situation naturally, without forcing yourself to be responsible.
Funny enough, I've already done that. It seems pretty obvious to me that being in post-production is where I belong. However, I'm still in school which means there are still classes I've got to take, some of which aren't my biggest forte.
Take it from an old guy who lived a very responsible life--it can leave you feeling empty when you look back on it. I never found what I truly wanted to do. I worked various jobs in various companies and always did well enough to take care of my responsibilities but I sure never had a 'career.' I hear people say 'pursue your passion.' Today, I have no idea what my passion should have been. It was always just doing what I thought had to be done. So our lives are complete opposites. I will say I started out with a goal--to prove I could have a family less dysfunctional than the one I grew up in. But 'pursuing my passion' had nothing to do with it; I was willing to do most anything to make the money needed for a happy family. I succeeded at that. The only dysfunction is my own. So don't punish yourself over your lack of responsibility. But ask yourself: Is the way I'm living running away from something? Because you can't live a good life if you're always running away.
I'm honestly not sure if I'm running away from something. I think the only thing I'm trying to run away from is a life where I have no idea what's really going on. Let me rephrase what I'm trying to say, here: Walter Murch recently said in a conference that the best run post houses have some sort of balance between chaos and order. Finding that balance is what I'm essentially trying to do. Similarly, I'm also trying to find balance between ultimate responsibility and no responsibility at all. Does that make sense?
