Hey guys, just joined this site in the hope of gaining some perspective from other gay guys on the subject of Friends with Benefits. Any and all responses are greatly appreciated! Here it goes. I've been seeing this guy for about a year and a half now and to be honest, our "relationship" has been confusing me recently. We met on ****** after he got out of a long term relationship, so I understood that his romantic life just went through the ringer and at the time he wasn't looking for a relationship. That was fine with me because I wasn't looking for a relationship at that time either. I'd go over to his house, hang out and watch something on Netflix, and we'd make out and get into some oral but it always stopped at oral for some reason. It wasn't until a few months ago that we started going all the way. In October of 2013 we went out in public for the first time and saw a show together. It was great, I had fun and I'm pretty sure he did too, as we've done it numerous times since. I bought him dinner before one of the shows, which to me (in my infinite naivety) sounds like a date. He's said that he would go to dinner and a movie with me which, again, sounds like a date. We meet up at least once a week, sometimes twice a week. I spend the night at his house after we have sex and we cuddle and he'll grab my hand and hold it for a while. Also, we don't fool around every time we hang out. Sometimes we just talk, watch what he called "our shows," cuddle, hold hands, and fall asleep. Sometimes, because of my work schedule, I can't spend the night. Before leaving one time after we had sex he said, "I guess you got all you wanted." I responded by saying, "If all I wanted was the sex, I wouldn't go to shows with you and I sure as hell wouldn't have bought you dinner," to which he responded with a simple, "Good." He's called me "hun" before and I thought pet names or whatever were a big no-no in the world of FWB but I could be wrong. He talks to me about other guys he's hooked up with which bothers me to no end, and in the past has even talked to other guys while I'm with him, which is extremely off-putting and rude in my opinion. It's sh*t like that that makes me question everything. It's really hard for me to think about him being with other guys, because secretly I want him to only want to be with me. I think about him every single f*cking day but I don't know whether or not he does the same. I'm at a crossroads in that I want to speak up and say something to him about this but at the same time, I'd rather not screw it all up and not have him at all. Anyone have any thoughts on what our "relationship" may or may not be or any advice on what I should do?
What do you want? This is the question you need to ask yourself, and let your actions follow on from the answer. It seems to me that you no longer see this as FWB, but something deeper and more meaningful. Is that about right? If so, and you actually do want this to be a relationship, it's time to have a conversation about where you are now and where things are heading. If it is a relationship, you both need to be reading from the same page. To some extent, you have both acknowledged your feelings already.. he asked if you'd "got all you wanted" and you responded by saying it was more than sex to you. I'd say that was an important moment and you did a lot to reassure him about your intentions. You just need to take that short chat a bit further now. Going on what you've told us, I'd say there is something more between you, but you need to be clear about it and establish what sort of relationship you want, so you don't end up hurting each other. It's always nice to think that you are someone's first love (their one and only) but the reality is often different. Many of us have past relationships and it's something we need to set aside when we meet someone new. I think it's okay to mention an ex to a current bf/partner in very general terms, but not on an intimate level - I'd be very p***ed off to hear what an ex liked to do in bed (even though I accept that things did happen). Have the conversation, but try to keep it cool. It's possible that he will still bear scars from past experience, but you'll only scare him off if you make it heavy. Think about what you want to say (and know) and maybe use your previous chat as the opener. What do you think?
Thank you so much for your advice. I know the only way I'll know anything for sure is to have a conversation with him so I suppose I'm going to have to find the balls to say something. I'll keep it light and follow your advice by opening with our previous chat. Didn't realize it before, but that's actually the perfect segway. Thanks for pointing that out!
