And I'm kind of upset. But. I'm not upset because she died. I'm upset because I'm not upset that she died. I did not react at all. It didn't phase me. And it wasn't just shock or denial, no, I've had a few days for it to sink in and I'm fully aware of the situation, and painfully aware that I simply do not care. And this worries me. I mean I can try to justify it by saying that we were never close and all that, but the fact remains that the passing of any person, no matter how well I know them, is a tragedy, and I feel bad that I just say 'oh well' and go back to whatever I was doing without a second thought. And I'm annoyed at the hassle that the funeral is causing. I have to give up my room for family that are coming to stay. I have to wear a suit which is making me very disphoric. I don't look forward to the ceremony itself. But... I feel terrible for thinking this way. I'm not the one that's dead. I shouldn't be making my problems more important than giving her the respect she deserves...
You should never be upset with how you feel. Everyone reacts and copes differently, and you're no exception. You could be completely fine now, but down the road it'll hit you. Or - you could just not be phased. There's nothing wrong with not being extremely bothered by someone's death, even if they're close to you. You don't have to be mourning to pay them the respect they deserve. When my uncle died, I didn't shed any tears. I felt bad, but I'm just not a very emotional person. I cope with things differently than other folks. Don't beat yourself up for how your mind works.
When my Grandma died, my reaction was just "Oh." We weren't close, hadn't seen her in years, but loved visiting her as a kid. I don't think your reaction was particularly abnormal. Then again, I'm not sure I'm the right person to talk to here, I'm not a particularly emotional person here.
