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I can't accept myself

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by katabolism, Apr 29, 2014.

  1. katabolism

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    My whole life I've always been "attracted" to boys, friends in my younger years called me boy crazy. As soon as I'd walk in a room I would seek out a boy to crush on. But as young as five I knew I liked girls, not just in a physical way. Im comfortable with them in an emotional and sexual way and sex just comes more naturally with girls where as with guys its almost forced. Ive had sex with boys and loved it but its only been moments where it was just raw horny emotion or drunken sex. In any relationship with guys I've had I've ended with being unattracted and uncomfortable. So I realized recently... Its all a show. I date guys because I dont want there to be a chance people think I'm gay.
    (as a side note, ive cared for any guy ive been with. i dont "play" them or literally do it as a show, i always think i want a boyfriend but in the end i realize im staring at the girls walking by rather my boyfriend)
    My problem is - I hate myself for it. I have some friends (close friends) that know I like girls. Only one friend that knows I might even be a complete lesbian.
    I think Ive always been "boy crazy" and dated alot to avoid the fact im gay. I dont want to be and i know it isnt the 50s but i dont want to be gay. My dad and grandma would except me and i know it because my uncle was gay. But deep down im afraid they will be disappointed if i come out to them as gay. My mother is a complete homophobe and would more than likely disown me if she knew, where my sisters would probably accept it but not want to ever speak of it.
    Please dont say it doesnt matter or who cares about her, because even though my mom isnt the best person it hurts to look her in the eyes knowing she only loves who she thinks i am.
    Its the only thing that brings me to tears or makes me depressed to a severe degree when i think about knowing i wouldnt be happy married to a man and having what my family precieves as a normal life.

    How do i learn to love myself for who i am?
     
  2. ChromeNerd

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    I used to be like you. I kind of accepted my sexuality when I realized that most LGBT people are stronger and more mature than straight people. I still sometimes get disgusted at my own feelings, but I always feel better when I think of all the strong LGBT people.
     
  3. Lexington

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    My father was something of an athlete growing up. He played football through college, among other sports. And I have a feeling he was set to "throw the ol' pigskin around" with his son each weekend as I got older.

    ...only to find that I was a nerd. And a klutzy one at that. Furthermore, my interest in sports seemed to start and stop at statistics. My one season in Little League baseball was a flop, but I pored over the Sunday sports section of the newspaper, reading and dissecting the lists of who had the best batting averages and whatnot.

    My father's response? He stopped buying me baseball bats, and started buying me notebooks and pens and calculators. Because more than he wanted a son who was an athlete, he wanted a son who was happy. And with my stacks of baseball stats and notebooks, I WAS happy.

    (Ironic note - years later, my father got to puff up with pride as his child took the field to compete during an NFL game. My sister's semi-pro women's football team played an exhibition game before the NFL game.)

    I think my father had it right. Parents should encourage, not mold. When my father realized I was a nerd, he set about helping me become the best damn nerd I could be.

    Your happiness shouldn't be tied to your mother's. Especially when it means denying who you are. Yes, your mother will probably be unhappy when she finds out. But given time, she might come around. If you choose the straight path, however, you certainly won't.

    Lex
     
  4. ProtegeMoi

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    I couldve come out at 12, 14, 19, 24 but waited til I was 30. I even had an on again off again relationship witha woman for 7 years and now I'm in a rocky marriage for the past 3 years.

    I still haven't fully accepted myself, but over the past 8 months I've realized that suppressing it has left me angry, distant, impatient/quick-tempered, not as loving and depressed for alm ost a decade.

    I think if you know you are that taking the lumps early on is better than years of what-ifs, missed opportunities.

    For me it hasn't been a closet its an electrified cage and the fear of other peoples opinions turned me into a mean and judgmental person. I became what I loathed. Dont be me.
     
  5. GayNurse95

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    I know your pain and know what you go through. I'm learning to accept myself too. Its hard. I dated three boys, trying to make myself normal. Its hard.
    I am a Christian lesbian who believes strongly in prayer.
    Can I pray for you to help accept yourself for how God made you?
    Its okay, he made us gay. And he is totally okay with that.
     
  6. Perfection

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    I just want to let you know that your mother's love and acceptance does matter, and no one should say otherwise. I know that it's hard to not only accept yourself, but to also worry about whether or not others will accept you as well. The fact that you posted this thread means that you are on the first step to discovery, which, in my opinion, is the first step to acceptance. Once you fully accept and discover yourself, then tell your mom. Tell those that you know will accept you fully first, though, so that you can use them as an ally when telling your mom. When you are ready, hopefully your mom can and will accept you.