Hey Everyone ... This is kinda my first time ever seeking help for the way I'm feeling... And I want to tell you my story so you can get to know me // my situation // where I'm coming from ... I will accept all advice.. But I will tell you everything so I don't get a general tip like " Just spit it out ! " ( Also , I'll replace the names of the REAL people this involves with fake ones.. ) - Childhood - I was raised with so much love from my family .. I have two siblings - and until I was around 12, I felt like I was receiving the amount of love that an only child gets. Which made me feel amazing. Anyway, I was always taught to be kind and courteous. I watched Barney like every day when I was growing up, my grandma always made me say please and thank you. So I was set to be very " sweet " growing up... I see this as a CURSE. - Early Teenage Years - The way I was when I was 7, was the same way I was when I was 13. So kind, sweet, and polite. Well, alot of my family would tell me not to do one thing or another thing because it was a bit feminine .. I couldn't grasp at the time that they wanted me to stop acting "gay" . Either way, That was later on. But as for right now, I was stuck in my mind-set of being a kid. - Later Teenage Years - Allow me to explain the difficulty that is my life. My family moves ALOT . Why ? I'm not sure. But we do. So switching high schools and starting over really takes a toll on you.. Especially when you go to 3 different high schools. Now let me tell you why this is difficult for me ... ( Grab your snacks, you'll be here a while..) HIGH SCHOOL 1 Sexuality wise, I never really seeked anyone besides this one girl in 6th grade. She turned out to be a total troll e_e Anywhoooo. I was a misfit. I only knew 3 people in this school. And all 3 of them were just people I rarely said hi to at my previous Jr High. So you could only imagine my discomfort of not knowing ANYONE around me. A half a year goes on, I make some friends. But two in particular ... Both girls. One of which, I was really ... interested in. She was gorgeous, funny, had a great taste in music, smelled so nice all the time, and had an amazing personality to boot. I kinda hinted to her that I liked her from time to time, but I don't think I ever expressed how I really felt ! Like... I never really went past " You look really pretty today... " Or telling her that she was special when she was feeling down... But besides that - I never really said anything like You're fkin Hot ! Date Me ! ... I'm not that kind of person. Moving on, Freshman Year > Sophomore Year. We kinda fell off, but I had soo many new friends Sophomore year that it didn't effect me by "losing her" . I usually just bottle that stuff up. Anyway - this is where my mind gets all messed up . . . I sat with these 4 girls. Two really weird ones.. But they were funny ! And the other 2 were really pretty ! We had friends come sit with us every other day just to bring some variety to the table. Until one day, one of them brings this guy named " Kam " . He was the skater-ish type. Into rock music, long swoopy hair, nice eyes. Blah Blah Blah. I didn't pay much attention to him around this time. A few weeks go on, and like the usual boring day, we were walking home. ( Me and another guy from school ) . Well this day.. He invited Kam . I was like oh hey I know him ! And we just got into more and more convos every day. Then I found out Kam was related to someone I had classes with . ( Kam was a senior , and his brother was a Soph. like me) His brother's name is " Mark " . Anyway, Kam and I got closer and closer.. and the friend that I originally walked home with drifted off because of some girl. Anyway, Kam started to invite Mark to walk with us. We all got really really close ! Then Kam had to go to his girlfriends everyday after school. She lived in the opposite direction of us, so it was just me and Mark walking home by ourselves for a week. At this point in time. My feelings for both of them were just good friends. Until one day , Mark started telling me he liked some girl we seen at a park walking home from school. This girl is 2 or 3 years younger than us. So being the amazing friend that I am, I set them up. Awkwardly pushed them closer on the bench. Blah Blah Blah. Dared them to kiss each other. It all seemed great ! Until... I decided I had feelings for Mark. I don't recall what sparked them.. But I felt angry, and sad, and betrayed at the same time. I don't know WHY I feel this way when I was the one who set them up ! (( Side Note : I came to the conclusion that I am a really jealous person. In first grade, I told my first best friend that he wasn't allowed to talk to anyone at school besides me XD Stupid I knoww )) Anyway, once they got together that day, they started dating . It was a mess. It only lasted 2 months.. Needless to say, I was there for Mark when he was devastated that they weren't together. But I needed to make sure that he was free of that girl ! So I called him, made him mute his phone, and then called her and asked how she felt about him. She was telling "me" that the spark that was there when they kissed was no longer there anymore. And that she just needs time and to move on. She hung up and Mark was still there.. Very quiet. I asked him if he was okay. He said yeah.. But he wasn't. He spent 2 weeks in a sad state. I did everything I could to cheer him up ! We played video games, hung out, went to the mall. Even went camping with my family ! ( Kam came with too ) The summer came, and my parents decided to move... High School 2 ( I hated this school with a passion. I only have like 10 people from their worth remembering, so this part will be hardly about this school and more about the drama that followed the end of HS 1 ) I still spent time with Kam and Mark. Visiting them every chance I could. We all went camping at the resort my parents have a site on . Sometimes it would be Mark, or Kam , and other times, both of them together ! ... But things were serious when Mark was there ... When it came time to go to sleep, we'd sleep next to each other. I wanna keep this brief. . . We cuddled, spooned, and held hands while laying down >_< Keep in mind Mark is straight. Anyway.... You could only imagine how close I felt to Mark at that point. Eventually Homecoming came. It was me and one of my siblings , and Mark. All dressed up and ready to go. ( I didn't dare go to the 2nd High school's homecoming, so we went to our old school's ) We were all having a good time, all dancing and singing. Smiling and laughing. And then in walks Mark's ex... I was actually real cool with her once they broke up. Go figure. Anyway. I was getting really hott because I was MOVINGGGG ! So I stepped out to get something to drink. When I came back, I got caught up saying hey to a few of my friends and danced with them for a minute. ]I was about to walk back over to my group and then I seen something I didn't want to ... Mark was dancing with her ... to a slower song... And 10 seconds into me watching them.. they kissed. I felt so torn inside. I covered my face and cried near this dark corner. Some of my friends came up asking me if I was alright. I told them that I just couldn't breathe.. and it was really hot. But in reality, I was crushed that someone I grew so close to was just taken away again .. I know he wasn't "mine" but it really did hurt me. Anyway, my parents couldn't come pick me up that night. So I went to Mark and Kams house to spend the night. I was still so upset.. I didn't eat anything or drink anything from that point. I just laid down. I glanced up at Mark every now and then to see what he was doing.I finally seen him messaging someone. I asked him who it was and he didn't tell me at first. So then I said her name and he just said yeah with a slight smile. Anyway - this is where my chapter with Mark comes close to it's end - Long story short, they got back together for like a few weeks and I had to sacrifice my friendship with Mark so he could date her. I told her I was the reason they broke up ( even though she broke up with him ) and convinced her that it was all my fault. So from that point, Mark and I just stopped talking. I rarely went over to their house anymore. Kam was the only best friend I had left. Well around this time, I was still in my little grieving state of not being able to just talk to Mark anymore.. so Kam was really there when I needed him. He'd come over and spend the weekend with me. We'd camp / Shop / talk about games. Ect. Now , here is the next FUN part. Kam is straight too... But when we'd sleep next to each other, it would be the same thing that happened with me and Mark. The only difference is... That Kam and I laid so close together that his nose was touching mine and I felt his breath on my face.. I dunno what the hell went on during any of the times I've slept next to Kam and Mark, but it happened. XDD Anyway - Rinse and repeat what happened with Mark. I set Kam up with 2 girls. Both fell thru. But I got jealous again. Not as server because the girls were actually my good friends. But it was just the fact that I started feeling something with Kam now ... Final High School Kam and I had MULTIPLE fights. We would not talk to each other for months on end ! I was always stubborn so that is prolly why things took so long to get fixed. I'd always have him text me first. Kam was going thru a phase with a bunch of girls and I was just like really ? e_e Well , it was like that from then until the end of high school. Present Day Kam and I still talk. I actually tried telling him earlier in 2013 how I felt . But I completely froze up and bombed . We ended up fighting after that too . He was dating some girl at this point and was ready to move in with her blah blah blahh. Well I told him how I seen that going. ( I kinda predicted how all of the other girls were going to turn out to be ) He texted me 3 months later telling me I was right and he didn't know why he doesn't listen to me. As much as he hurt me , I didn't tell him I told you so. I just said I'm sorry it happened like that. and I didn't want to be right. (( I need to clarify that during this whole deal with Kam and Mark, I was an EXTREMELY emotional // caring person )) Well now, the tables have turned. Kam is always messaging me to ask me how I am because now I don't give a damn . It is funny that you get more attention when you don't care compared to hardly getting any when you pour your heart and soul into them . ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I don't know how to deal with any of these struggles going on inside of me ... I don't know what I am. And if I am what I am, I don't wanna pretend to be something I'm not . But I ask myself.. why should I tell anyone ? There is MUCH more to these stories.. And more that have to do with other guys ( but it isn't as in depth as these two ) So if someone wants to help me decode the mess that is my life or just offer some support, I'd be more than happy to listen Also, if you wanna know more , you can message me asking more details ... But this is all I wanted to get off of my chest for tonite. I am just upset with myself that I stay up all night thinking about this ... When I could be sleeping like anyone else v_v
