Can I just fall for one guy?

Since you have a girlfriend, it's a lot more complicated than it seems at first.

I'm going to ask you a few questions:

- If he is, in fact, in love with you, are you willing to give your relationship with your girlfriend to start one with him?
- Do you think it's just "messing around", or do you think you feel more for him?

I ask you this, because of the following. Let's say you like him, but don't want to lose your girlfriend at all, because you love her. Then I'd say, let him go, it's not worth it. Perhaps you'll lose your girlfriend and since you don't want a relationship with him, you end up being single.

The fact that you cheated on your girlfriend tells me you have feelings for him, but I could be wrong.

Hope to see an answer! :icon_bigg

 

Welcome to EC! I'm going to warn you now that anything I say in the next few paragraphs needs to be viewed in the right way. I am not, repeat AM NOT, trying to tell you that you are DEFINITELY one thing or the other, or even trying to hint at it, I just want to point something out to you.


One of the first things you said to us was this: I've always referred to myself as being straight. Which is fair enough, although I know for a lot of people that came into question the minute you said you were kissing and feeling up another guy. I mean that's not typical straight male behaviour. Please note I said not TYPICAL behaviour, because as I said, I have no intention of trying to determine an orientation for you.

Anyway, ignoring this guy completely for a moment, just answer this in your own head. How many times in your life have you ever felt free to feel anything for another guy?

I ask purely because I would say for the majority of people, the answer is 'never'. I mean I know when I grew up I wouldn't have thought anything about guys because everyone would have ripped the hell out of you for it. It's not even like its a conscious decision necessarily.

I mean think about it this way, most of us don't have a problem determining if someone is 'objectively' attractive, even if we aren't attracted to them. If I gave you a picture of a girl I found attractive but you didn't I bet you could point out at least a couple of nice features even if she didn't do anything for you. Now think about a member of your immediate family. Could you do the same thing easily? Probably not, because it's just accepted that you don't think that way about family. Keep in mind at this point I'm not trying to link homosexuality and incest, I'm just pointing out another example of unconsciously accepted thought. Probably nobody ever told you that you don't do it, you just don't. You look around, nobody else is so you don't either. I'm sure at some point you will have heard a joke about how someone did something with their cousin and everyone took the piss!

Point is, you look around as a child and unless you happen to have been in a very open environment probably never came into much contact with homosexuality, and the chances are, if you did, it wasn't looked upon favourable. So you just sort of go with it and assume that you don't think of guys that way.

All of a sudden you have this strong connection to a guy, as you said he was your best friend at school. So you now have this strong connection and now that unwritten rule doesn't seem to make as much sense any more so you explore it a bit.

Then he goes off and you forget it again. The connection is broken and you go back to the rule. After all, it was different with him.

Now you meet him again, get reminded of those times and WHAM, argument. Arguments are intense feelings. WHAM. Connection. WHAM. Car sex.

What I'm getting at here is that yes, he could be an exception, or he might just be the only person you allowed yourself to think of like that. I don't know.

 

So what if it is?

I mean they are your feelings, you know them better than anyone else so if you think it might just be physical, I'll go with it. Does it change anything?

 

ElliaOtaku gave an excellent comment too (probably just before you posted yours), so I won't repeat what she said to you. :icon_bigg

I'm not trying to give you label, but caring for a friend is not really the same as having sex with one. I know it's (kinda) hard to admit it to ourselves, due to the pressure society puts upon us, but it's the truth. True friend won't have sex and call it caring. So there I think there some feelings from you to him, but I think the same applies otherwise.

I can't tell whether it was more, but may I ask whether it felt like more than having sex with your girlfriend? If it felt more special, more romantic, or even if you felt more of a connection, it's a sign that you're probably more into him than into your girlfriend.

I wouldn't talk to him about this issue directly, reading that he told others you two had been experimenting. He might tell others, even if he doesn't want to.

You can however, try to figure out whether he wants to start something with you or not. Like saying "Have you found someone already? Being lonely is a rough feeling." Don't do it too directly (like I did).

 

I meant more generally rather than in terms of leaving your girlfriend, I'm not touching that with a barge pole...

 

You're not a jerk for having to make a decision. It's not your fault that this happened, you shouldn't feel too bad about that.

I would recommend you seeing him again, try to figure out whether he is willing start something with you, but don't make it too obvious.

You'll probably feel very guilty about doing this to your girlfriend, but if you don't do anything with your feelings, you might regret it very, very much later!

To answer the question, I think you can indeed fall for just one guy, especially when your standards are high.

--

I'm also a "feeling" guy, hence I label myself demisexual. In fact, I'm rarely attracted to a girl/guy, but I can feel an attraction once I get to know someone very well.

 

It's indeed not black and white at all, once we realize that, it gets a lot easier.

Glad we could help! I wish you good luck and hope that you'll give an update once you've taken steps, although it's up to you to decide whether you will do that or not. :icon_bigg

 

I think you need to figure out whether your friend is actually interested in you romantically. If he isn't, this really isn't much of a dilemma. Well, you still cheated on your girlfriend, but you get my point.

As for your feelings: "I suppose it was more passionate than it ever has been with my girlfriend..."