Addiction MD on mothers day:(

Last long post I promise. I'll try to make it as short as possible.
So i explained to my bf my history with dope. He wasn't as surprised as I thought he would be, He asked if he could go with me to this Addiction MD appointment which was this morning. he just said "I want to be with you, and if you're recovering I want to help" so he picked me up this morning to take me.

For starters.. I hate mothers day. There's a million reasons in my head why I shouldn't go to the dr. For the past 2 mothers day's, I've bought red roses for a friends mother. It's my way of apologizing for what happened to her son. And this year was no different I had to get the roses, so my heart was already heavy.

Gary came into the Dr's with me. At first he was a source of strength but I soon wished he wasn't there. The doc had to ask all about my addiction, almost every detail, he said he could not help unless I was 100% honest with him so i was. It started off on a bad note, he said "I'd just like to commend you on your bravery for coming in today" Angered by what he said I cut him off and said:
"I am not brave, I am a two bit needle junky who is too scared to face his own problems. Who would rather stab himself 20 times then face them, and someone who *was willing to bring his friends down with him. I might be determined but I AM NOT BRAVE"
He just looked at me sorrowfully and said I have to ask a series of questions, I hope that's okay. This was what I was dreading, i didn't want Gary to know all about my addiction, it's an ugly world especially if you've never seen it before. But i answered every question honestly. All of them.
"What are you suffering from? how old were you when you first saw drug use? How old were you when you first got inebriated? How long have you been addicted? Does addiction run in your family? Who in your family uses? Have you ever used needles? Have you ever Over dosed? Have you been tested for HIV and hepatitis, If so what was the result? Have you been suicidal because of your addiction? have you lost friends or family because of your addiction?

With Every question I felt my heart ache more and more, especially when he asked about people I've lost. When I said yes, to that question he asked who, I just took a deep breath and named the 6 friends who've died because of me (all 6 of which I witnessed) , I also named 3 who have contracted life threatening illness's cause of it. He asked why I blamed myself for their deaths, I explained and started crying as I did, though i somehow wasn't hyperventilating just tears rushing down my face. I said "I glorified opiates to them, I described them as if they were a gift from god, I have a way of making drugs seem romantic and I don't know why.They would've never tried these drugs if it wasn't for me, They wouldn't have died, there mothers would still have children(Why I hate mothers day)." Now overwhelmed I just said "Imagine being 16 at your best friends funeral, as his mother screamed "why" as the coffin went down, and you're the only one who really knows why... because of you, because you didn't want to get high alone"
Gary was great, he just pulled my head toward his until our foreheads were pressed together and said "You didn't kill them Sam"
The Dr. then said "Everyone takes their own path, if they were looking for opiates they would've found them with or without you. The longer you blame yourself the longer you will feel the need to self medicate" But I explained that they literally haunt my dreams, That I often see my best friends dead face when I close my eyes. So he gave me the number of a ptsd counselor and said I should call them.
After examining my eye he said that I "definitely need the medication until this gets fixed" which is not what I was hoping to hear. But we set up a way to recieve 2 *abuse proof Oxycontin a day(in the mail), 1 would arrive at a certain time in the am, and one in the pm. I also have to go in twice a week and Gary said playfully "Ill kick your ass if you miss an appt" The doctor was very nice, and he introduced himself as an ex-coke addict, which did make me feel more comfortable with him. and we talked a lot (Believe it or not this is the short version) he shook my hand and said "we are going to beat this thing together, you, your boyfriend, and I. We can and will help you through this.
On the way back we got Ice cream but mothers day still gets me and I asked if we could stop at the flower shop really quickly, I have to get a bouquet of roses. We stopped and I got them, I also got gary some Hydrangea's sort of as a joke, but also because he loves them and he was and is very supportive, I honestly expected him to dump me over this, but it doesn't seem to bother him at all. And I thanked him over and over again for being so great about it. To be honest I feel like I've put him in an awful position, that he feels to guilty to break up with me, but I'm trying to tell myself this is the W/D's talking. We went to his house after that, his parents like me a lot, i gotta say it is nice knowing he has a good home life. And to know how supportive his parents are for him. I only just got home, maybe an hour ago, i gave my own mother some roses then went to the home office. I packaged the roses, and wrote a note that read:

"I'm sorry they will be late, Hope you're having a beautiful week and know that you are in my thoughts. Much love, respect and prayers
-Sam" and put them in the mail.
If anyone is still reading I just want to thank you for listening and helping to provide me with strength right now. I really need it. Lastly I want to say to anyone younger, older, or my exact age. stay away from painkillers. I am not religious at all, but I believe they are the physical form of the devil, they will lead you no where but hell and they will only cause death and despair in their wake. Realest shit I ever and will ever write, You don't want them in your life, anything you are going through they will only make worse. and there is nothing fun about going to 6 funerals before reaching 18, Nothing fun about having your dead friends ask you how their mothers are, when you're dreaming. Nothing fun about puking without them, nothing they are about is worth it. unless you have a legit medical reason to take them, never take them. obviously the final decision is yours but seriously I'm sobbing right now. I genuinely feel responsible for my friends, and that's why i keep in touch with their mothers. And since I am convinced I am a murderer (even though I've actually had a police officer tell me I'm not) I feel that if anyone is reading this and wants to try some Pk's, maybe this will change your mind, and maybe just maybe I can make a positive difference. Especially with so many people in emotional "ruts" on this site.
Thanks again for listening, I love all of you

 

It's still too early to ask I think. mostly cause he introduced me as his boyfriend so I'm in that place, where they don't want me staying the night in case uh sex lol and his parents are really nice to me I don't want them receiving my meds for me. it's also illegal, which i think is stupid (Cause Gary actually asked if we could do that.) but he said no way possible. That having the drugs go to an address the patient doesn't live at is sort of the first thing you're not supposed to do.... haha..? My brother doesn't live with us, he got kicked out a while ago. Idk about my mom. I think she is actually trying to mess with my head, or she's just a psycho bitch. she's not making it easier.
I told my doc about my mom, if she answers the drivers are instructed to leave. So I have to be ready to sign and pay. It's stressful, but a lot less stressful than needing money every hour or two. and I don't have to worry about them being cops ready to bust me for trying to buy a narcotic (Happened to a lot of junkys I know, from the heroin days) they can't arrest me because it's perfectly legal. there are lots of medicine delivery companys

 

@chip yea living for them is a really positive way to see it. But Idk I get nightmares and sh*t of homies being all around me... well dead homies saying something like "how's it feel to get all those chances? must be nice?" idk if that's a charecteristic of ptsd but it would make sense, ya know?

Also I can't help but beat myself up for taking any of them after sitting through 2 days, no pills. but with me being less distracted from my eye, with the pain being suppressed. these are 40mg pills, they're strong and get me a little stoned, it's like a medium strength high that last roughly 8 hours. which makes me incredibly unhappy with myself. But one day at a time. Thats what I keep telling myself, Positive Mental Attitude. Try to look for a bright side in all things. for this it's obviously Gary. I personally don't get why he wants to be with me, I'm a total burden with a family of rediculous burden. When I said that to Gary (Probably shouldn't have said that, but all-well) he just told me not to be ridiculous, and that of course he wanted to help me through it.

---------- Post added 13th May 2014 at 11:36 PM ----------

*With me being able to focus since my eye no longer hurts. I've just had to sit in school 7-5 doing makeup work. If i keep it up I might be graduating on friday

@all paths IKR!! XD