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being an Indian lesbian....

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by girlpower, May 12, 2014.

  1. girlpower

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    Hi friends... it feels great to join you guys and see ppl coming out... how different and modern other cultures are when i look at myself. standing alone, confused, scared and unfortunate to be born in a culture where even discussing homosexuality at home is a taboo subject. i am a happy person, i enjoy my job and my life and being with my family, but always wonder for how long this is going to go. i dont want to get married to a man, but at the same time scared of being left alone forever. i dont even have a gf with whom i can share my feelings or my fears. i cant tell my friends or family, just cant. i dont want to hurt them, don't want them to feel helpless for me, i don't want anyone to judge me. all my life i have been everyones favourite be it my parents, my siblings, my friends. i just cant let them down.. cant hurt them. i dont have a gf, i dont have a reason to tell anyone for that matter that i am a lesbian. i am just so lost and helpless. dont know what to do, should i get married to a man or leave my parents and start living alone to figure out what i want, and how i want to live my life.
     
  2. CharlsOn

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    Would you want to marry a man?
    Well, I suppose not.
    You don't want to leave your family?
    Tough problem then.

    Ask yourself what's the best for you! Only for you.
    And then think about other factors like family or parents.

    Hope that helped a biiitt:grin:
    Good luck!!!!:slight_smile:
     
  3. girlpower

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    I know you are right girl... thanks :slight_smile: my mind just keep struggling to find answers ..whats wrong whats not.... i hope i'l take a decision soon!
     
  4. CharlsOn

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    Good luck!!!:slight_smile:
     
  5. girlpower

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  6. resu

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    I'm like you being one of the favorites of my family due to my academic accomplishments and nice personality, except I'm a gay man. My family is from India, but I'm an American, and it's sometimes tough to balance these things. I want to come out mainly for my own wellbeing and to find another guy as a boyfriend or something more than that.

    Whatever you do, don't get married to a man. This isn't like previous generations, where getting married was virtually forced on all Indians. Even with arranged marriage, I think sexual attraction is required for a happy marriage (of course this doesn't apply to asexuals). It would also be unfair to your partner.

    I highly recommend living on your own so you are independent. I couldn't think about coming out while I was with my parents every day. Also, living on your own allows you the freedom to pursue a relationship even if you're not fully out to everyone.

    Some inspiration:
    BBC News - Life as a gay couple in India
     
  7. Alehkz

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    I had a Pakistani girlfriend one time going to what you went through. Her parents of course didn't know we were together and that we were more than friends. They wanted to get her married twice. It was awful. Awful because I wanted to tell them that I wasn't just a friend but because I also had to hide in the closet out of fear that they might do something to her. And maybe to me. I also liked the way her parents took me into their family and treated me like one of their daughters. It was a tough decision, but she and I broke up because her family was too overbearing and as a result, she too was overbearing, controlling, manipulative and jealous. I couldn't take it. It took the girl she cheated on me with in the end to make her come out to her parents. Of course they weren't okay with it but she did. Her mom still loves her very much, maybe secretly hoped it is temporary but kinda always knew, and her dad...well they were never without conflict anyway. Her sister had a rough time understanding, but they are twins, and so she came around. Her brother got married to this awesome girl who slowly has made him come around. All he needed was a little love in his own life. He won't support gay rights 100% but at least he will support his sister.

    It is possible to come out and live with them. Ultimately, a life of lies and deceit will hurt you more in the end. Please end the cycle of bogus marriages. Don't be afraid to be out on your own and deciding what makes you happy. If men can take that path, why can't you? Your culture isn't the problem, it is the fact that women don't want to change the way they think of themselves or even begin to imagine that they can be capable of such. Men just perceive that and take advantage. End that cycle! Please! I know it isn't easy to have courage, but you know what? Family is family...and they do come around. It hurt my mom when I told her and she cried but she came around and now I can call whomever I bring home that is my significant other "my girlfriend" or "baby". Ten years ago when in was 14... She couldn't even hear it. People change, it takes time, but you must take the initiative to be the change you want to see.
     
  8. Opheliac

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    Fellow Indian lesbian here! *high five*

    I know exactly what it's like. And I may be quite a bit younger than you but I also know that marrying a man isn't going to help you, if you know you won't be happy with him. It's better to be honest to yourself and happy, than live the life that others want you to live.

    I know it's hard. Maybe you don't have a girlfriend now, but I'll tell you this, and it really helped me, having supportive friends in general makes everything so much easier. I'm not out to many of my friends, but just hearing them speak in support of the LGBT community is very heartening. If you have any friends like that, confiding in them might help you to feel better. Also perhaps cousins, maybe? (not trying to generalize but most Indians have a hell of a lot of cousins :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: ) Is everyone in your family homophobic? I think if you have cousins around your age who you trust, talking to them might be a good idea too.

    I know what the pressure of letting your family down is like. My mother is pretty much the same, and I'm very scared for the day I come out to her. But not letting your family down should not come at the cost of your own self.

    Not everyone in India is homophobic. Far from it. If you find supportive friends and can comfortably accept yourself, then even if you don't have a partner at this moment, life will be happier for you :slight_smile:
     
  9. girlpower

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    Hey! thanks a lot. its on my mind for long time to move out of my house and live on my own so that i can think freely and could decide what n how i want my life to be. my offc is very near to my house... i'm thinking of different reasons daily to tell my parents that why i would want to move and live separately. lets see.... i am already working on it.

    ---------- Post added 17th May 2014 at 12:30 PM ----------


    Hi! and a *hi 5* :slight_smile: thanks a lot for your reply. you speak wise beyond your age... your words were encouraging and totally made sense. well, i'm not close to any of my cousins.., we hardly speak over phone or smthing.. they all are in diffrnt cities... n discussing with frnds..i dont know.. i think of coming out to one or 2 of them but it scares me.. they'l try to judge me. right now i am focusing on moving out of my home and live on my own so as to figure out how i want to live my life... anyway good luck to you too.. you gonna come out with flying colors :wink:

    ---------- Post added 17th May 2014 at 12:38 PM ----------



    Hi! thank you for replying and sharing your story to help me. i know ppl will change and come around... but it takes hell lot of guts to come out to your own parents.. because you care for them... you dont want to hurt them, let them down in front of thr relatives and friends. they are so proud of me of being a good daughter.. working professional... anyway thanks again for your suggestions. i'l do come out someday and take a wise decision. :slight_smile:
     
  10. Opheliac

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    See... I have quite a few friends who I know would be supportive, even though I'm not out to them. When the Supreme court re-criminalised homosexuality last year, did you have anyone on your facebook friend list who posted outraged/disbelieving statuses or linked to LGBT-friendly blogs or anything like that? I had loads of friends who did things like that. And even if I'm not out to them, it makes me feel good to know that they would accept me if, and when, I do.

    Good luck with moving out! I hope it goes well for you and makes you feel more stable and happy :slight_smile:
     
  11. girlpower

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    Thank you :slight_smile: Well.. i dont remember any of my facebook frnds or close frnds getting offended or infuriated over supreme courts decision.. i never really discussed it with my frnds.. but i am sure they all would be against this law and support LGBT. moreover at this point i am trying to focus on myself... to pursue a hobby.. anything interesting apart from my job.
    So, are you a student.. high school/college?
     
  12. Despitelove

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    Indian people are homophobic, but of course they are not as homphobic as they are depicted to be just because the supreme court stated that homosexuality is a crime. I'm sure that some people don't have any problems with homosexuals, in the last 10 years India has become always more open-minded as far as this topic. You don't have to be open about your homosexuality, just don't be scared of loosing your parents or you family : that isn't going to happen, because I'm sure they love you the way you are. If you explain to them what you are feeling and what being a lesbian means, they will eventually understand it (maybe not soon as you wish).

    I was really scared of teeling my mother I was gay, because she was really homophob (and don't think that only Indians are homophobes, I'm european and I live in city which I would not define open-minded), but when I finally told her, She was not surprised at all, she just said ''if you are happy like this, I have no problems, you can live your life the way you want and be happy''.

    I know it's difficult, but with time you get aways more self confident and being self confident you are not scared anymore of what people think about you.
     
  13. girlpower

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    thanks a lot for your advice! true that Indians have become more n more open about homosexuality... and many ppl do support it irrespective of any laws etc. but there still are ppl here who really doesnt know if any such thing exists. Anyway! my family is unfortunately a typical indian family.. specially my mom... even if she understands my problm.. she will always be worried for rest of her life.. that i am a girl and how wud i survive alone in this world.. without getting married to a man.. i'll be left alone.. and all that relatives pressure she'd have to bear.... i dont know if am being too scared of even trying. but i'd love to come out and proudly tell evryone what i am like. thanks again for your wise words... it helped.
     
  14. Opheliac

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    I'm just saying that having supportive friends and being around nice people in general makes life a lot easier :slight_smile: I hope you find your direction.
     
  15. fortheloveoflez

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    If you choose marrying a man then I would suggest you seek out a gay man. I've seen people post on various websites "gay man looking for lesbian for marriage of convenience" for example.

    The reason I say this is because if you are in a culture that makes it impossible for you to be treated equally without having a marriage then the best thing to do would probably be what I said above. That way, you will protect yourself from further problems by at least appearing to have a husband and you will have some one to talk to who is going through the same thing. You can even try to make arrangements so that you may have your respective girlfriend on the side and maybe the husband a boyfriend (without anyone knowing of course).
     
    #15 fortheloveoflez, May 21, 2014
    Last edited: May 21, 2014
  16. Alehkz

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    Come out when you're ready. Ultimately that is your decision. But sparing the pain of others is like running through the rain in hopes of keeping dry. Courage is something to be way more proud of, more than being a professional this or that or the perfect daughter. Nobody is perfect. If you are proud of yourself and you show courage, you'd be surprised how many people will be even more proud of you, even the people you fear won't accept you. Always follow your heart. Hiding who you are won't make you worthy of what you can and are able to be in this life. All it takes is one step, one firm step towards the life only you can live.
     
  17. girlpower

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    hii! well that was a much needed dose :slight_smile: thanks a lot. i'll keep it in mind....

    ---------- Post added 22nd May 2014 at 09:36 PM ----------



    hey! thanks for your advice. this doesnt sound a bad idea to me... but that'l be too drastic for me to do that. plus its hard to find such men :slight_smile: