Having a hard time battling with my disorders

Replace 'OCD' with 'Depression', and I believe we have something in common.

Even though I have come a long way from where I was, the depression is always with me. I feel it always clawing and scratching at me. Every time somebody smiles at me, it'll tell me they're only doing that to be nice. Every time somebody gives me a kind word, it'll tell me they're only buttering me up for something. Every time I succeed at something, it'll tell me that was a fluke and I'll just fail twice as hard next time. Every time I stand up for myself, or others, it'll tell me that it's a waste of time because no one will appreciate it. Every time I see people, like you, hurting and having difficulties, it'll tell me to just stand back and do nothing, to let them suffer because they deserve it. It tells me we all deserve this. At one time it consumed me, and it totally ruined my life. At the time I didn't realize it because I mistook it for power, for a sense of purpose, because this misguided anger and sorrow disguised itself as a friend, as something that would always be there for me.

Well, it was. But it was there to devour everything I had, and leave me a wreck.

I can relate to the fear of "losing control". Having the thoughts I had, and remembering the things I would say and do years ago, I know how easy it would be to lose control and slip. I know that the fear of losing yourself is terrifying, because it reminds us how vulnerable we are, but it also humbles us into despair. You wind up trying to avoid losing control that you don't realize, you already have lost it -- you have given up living a life, your life. You're now just nurturing this insecurity, this dilemma, and before you know it, it becomes all you know. In a way, you're right back to where you were to begin with. Only this time, the roles have switched. You are making all the efforts, and your fears are simply reacting. This isn't a healthy way to be, nor is it a productive one.

I used to want to watch the world burn all around me. I wanted to stand and watch, to hear nothing but the cries of many, to see nothing but the fetal bodies, and relish in the fact everyone could now experience what I always had.

Sexuality is fluid. Humanity is fluid. Today I may be one way, but give me a few weeks, and I'll change a little. Situations or experiences can influence us, change us. We may not ever lose the core of who we are, but how we express who we are may change. Everyone is capable of love, though some of us identify and express it differently. If you have loved, you still can. If you do love, you have loved. You may have doubts or questions, but this is totally normal. If you ever begin to doubt or question being able to love, then this is not normal and reason for alarm.

I remember my therapist telling me my depression would cripple my life, and that I wouldn't be able to overcome it without help. It did cripple my life, and robbed me of opportunities to have made friends or gotten along better with others. Even though I knew I was the problem, I would still get mad and cry. I'd scream and shout, I'd even curse to God. Throw in my gender and sexuality issues, and you have a powder keg just waiting to explode.

I could have killed myself. I really could have. But it was in those darkest moments that I discovered something. I discovered love. At first it was hard to grasp, but soon I started to replace the hatred I felt with appreciation, the depression I felt with admiration, and so on and so forth. Even though I'm not able to totally remove it from myself, I feel that it makes me stronger. My emotions are much deeper and much greater due to the distress and misery I endured, because I've felt what I never wish to feel again.

Nobody should ever have to feel like that. Nobody should ever need to feel unwanted, without value, or a lack of appreciation. I told myself that I would do my best to stay positive, to encourage and, if possible, show love to others. We all have our struggles, but that's the thing... we all do. We all need each other.

When you begin to have another negative assault, stop it. I know this is easier said than done, but do try to stop it. Then immediately begin to think of all the good things about you. If your condition is making this difficult or impossible, then I'll give you some to start off with:

- You are compassionate. You speak/type with a raw emotion.
- You are beautiful. You are attractive. You are desirable.
- You are intelligent. You can think. You can formulate opinions.
- You are unique. Nobody else can be you; nobody can be loved by you, except those you choose to love.
- You are strong. The fact you acknowledge your conditions and insecurities is the first step to overcoming them.

And I know you can, because I'm going to invest a belief in you, and your potential.

It's comforting to vent, I know, I've been there and done that. But it takes remarkable courage to present yourself in a vulnerable light. The fact you have courage tells me, you will rise from the ashes.

 

Is your therapist using Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to help you?

I have a friend with OCD, and CBT is the most effective way to challenge/ defeat your obsessive thoughts.

Also some meds help - have you looked in to that?

 

I also have social anxiety and have had a few panic attacks. My biggest one happened at school and it got so bad that my principal wanted to call the paramedics :/ I also have really bad mood swings, so I know exactly where you are coming from with this. Diet and exercise, I find, usually helps a little with this. I was also prescribed birth control because my doctor believed it was due to hormones. You should try talking to your doctor about the mood swings. It may be a chemical imbalance in your body.
I have had so many other things like two eating disorders, suicidal thoughts, and self harming. It does get very exhausting. Fortunately, I had a few people to talk to in the past that helped me a lot and now I'm in a much better place Still have a few things to deal with, but it's a lot better.
Someone mentioned here CBT and I would definitely recommend it.
I'm also always here if you need someone to talk to. Having a support system and someone to talk to is the most important thing, so I will always be here for you honey! Don't keep it inside. Trust me. I have learnt from experience.
Things will get better. I promise.

 

First off, (*hug*)

You're certainly not alone in any of this. I've recently been diagnosed with panic disorder and severe depression. There's also suicidal thoughts and self-harm urges. Compared to what others have gone through, it doesn't feel like much is really happening to me. Combine that with my inability to really open up to people, and it's felt like I've spent all this time fretting over nothing. I had a friend who made me believe that I was just faking it and doing it for attention, and she was right. I was looking for attention, because I'm so sick of feeling so alone all the time. Since then, I've kinda been a huge mess.

Things have escalated in the past month. I've been incredibly suicidal for a while now, and almost said goodbye last Friday night. Once I told my therapist about this, she told me I need to see a psychiatrist and told my dad what happened. I'm embarrassed by everything that's happened, and I don't want people to know. Three friends know what happened. Of course, the ones I really want to know and care about me don't, and I have to force myself to spend everyday pretending I'm not watching them in the halls and wishing I could be with them again.

I can't give a whole lot in terms of advice, considering we've both got our problems. But I'll let you know right now that you're not alone, not bothering anybody by telling us what's going on, and you're not wasting anybody's time.

 

My stepmom said the same thing when I went on it, but the thought of having sex with a guy right now kind of repulses me. And I told her that :lol:
Ah ok. That makes sense. I don't have OCD, so I can't really say.
Sometimes things get worse before they get better. That's what happened with me. Grade 11 was a horrible year for me. With school, friends, family...I was at a complete loss. But then Grade 12 came about and things got so much better. Life throws these things at you so you can learn from it and shape you and help you for things that will come up later on in life. But you need people around. Life did not intend for us to go about it alone.
I still have mini panic attacks too about the future, but you know what it is. It's because we live in the future. We are always thinking about what's going to happen and worst case scenarios. We need to live in the present and take things one day at a time. Enjoy life for the moment!
Absolutely hun! I'm always here if you need it

P.S. Do you take meds for your anxiety? I have Lorazapam and Ativan. Both work amazing. For me anyway. Maybe you could talk to your doctor about those if you don't already have something.

 

Glad you are doing CBT. You have to remember to push yourself out of your comfort zone and you will get rewards

Sertralene … yes, been there. You may find a consultation with a psychiatrist may be able to point you towards a more effective medication that suits you better.

After all, if only to give you a bit of a 'holiday' from the stresses of OCD. The right med may make a big difference to your day to day life..