I am a closeted, call it bisexual 41yr old man, in a relatively sexless married relationship for 16 years. The wife and I have sex 3-4x per year and when we do, it's hi-hum get it over. She has always had a lower libido but now it's almost nil. I've tried virtually everything and nothing is working. Quite frankly, it has devastated my self esteem as I no longer feel attractive. Recently, I 'stepped' out and had sex with another man. Although I'm not attracted to men in the least, the idea of bottoming has always been a super turn on. I have to say, it was the most erotic experience of my life. Never before have I felt so desired and sexy. I'm still riddled with guilt and anxiety but as I slip back into my everyday life, thoughts of wandering (whether with a man or woman) keep creeping back in. I'm not sure if this is just a mid life crisis but feel the prime years slipping away. Outside of sex, we get along great but feel more like roommates. Divorce is probably eminent but have kids at home and would like to avoid destroying my family. Probably the logical solution but not as easy as it sounds. I'm typically against cheating but feel that it's almost kinda justified in a sense of "if she doesn't want me, I'll find someone who does". Weird I know but would love to hear others thoughts or experiences.
Listen a lot of families get destroyed from divorce but they will build themselves back up. And hey u cheated u need to tell your wife that your bi u had sex with a Man U still love her but not in that type of way. It's hard and if u got kids at home how old r they? If there around my age or older it'll be hard but not as bad as being a young child. But I can't promise anything. I'm sure u love your wife it's just that u didn't get the sex u wanted/needed and that's y u cheated. I'm sure u didn't mean to hurt her but I understand y u did this. If I were u I would be honest. Good luck to ya (*hug*)
I wouldn't say it's justified, just understandable. Call me a bad guy but I wouldn't tell her o.0 it would probably shock her and cause unnecessary hurt. It would be wise to express the feelings you share here though without the specific... evidence. Letting yourselves part civilly is probably the best path for both of you, and may not even be tortuously painful if she feels a similar disconnect at least in terms of sexual desire.
Well yes argent wing but they may get along but there's no sex every good relationship has sex plus his conscious will prob get to him. He could also fall into a depression which if gets out now it won't be so bad. Plus u never know maybe she had an affair as well that's y she hasn't been that active in bed. Or menopause. I think u should tell her that's r advice but really just go with your gut.
I didn't say not to get divorced, because that is a real possibility. Just that I wouldn't open myself to her reaction to the extramarital sex. I don't know his wife and maybe she's less spastic and hostile when challenged than my gf, but that fight would be apocalyptic.
It's a tough one. I've made inferences that if things don't change, sooner or later I may stray. I've suggested couples therapy with no success. Quite frankly, I think it's a combination of low libido and lack of attraction to me. Honestly, it may sound weird, but this has only raised my interest in the alternative side of me as my confidence with women is at an all time low. Ultimately I would never confess my bisexual desires as I'm not in a place where I want to make a lifestyle change. Plus, it'd be devastating to my kids, etc.
I was tempted many times during the last few years of my marriage but could never bring myself to go through with it, largely because she didn't know I was gay and the thought of that just seemed dishonest to me. And the notion of her finding out some day the double whammy of me being gay AND messing around at least once just felt like more than I was willing to do to her, especially given some emotional issues that she has. Now that I'm out to her, I don't have quite the same scruples, largely because her immediate assumption was that I would be seeking out sex partners anyhow, which I found rather insulting. Obviously she doesn't LIKE the idea and in fact is disgusted by it, and actually I'm not at all inclined to look for anonymous no-strings encounters anyhow (no judgments, just not in my wiring). However, I'd have absolutely no problem doing what she is already referring to as "cheating" with a guy I was in a real relationship with. I've made it very clear that I am staying in the picture for the benefit of our kids and finances, and in the interest of hopefully moving towards some kind of friendship (or at least acceptance) of each other, nothing else. Any guy who came into the picture would be someone very special, and definitely a very permanent part of my life going forward. While I wouldn't advertise to her that we had taken things physical, I definitely won't feel any pangs of guilt about it either.
I don't pretend to know anything about your kids, but as someone who lived through it, I must say that "staying together for the kids" is NOT always the best option. Kids DO recognize when something is wrong with mom and dad, and depending on how old they are it can affect them in many different ways. I was twelve when I begged my mom to divorce my dad because it was affecting our lives so much. I'm going to have to be the "bad guy" and admit that I think cheating is Not Good no matter the circumstances, and it's certainly not "justified" just because you aren't getting sex at home. If it's gone that far and you need the sex, divorce might be the better option then to keep cheating.
No, not every good relationship has sex. A. The word relationship encompasses more than just dating and marriage, it also includes friends, family, etc. and B. Have you ever met an asexual? I dated one for a while. There is no sex. To the OP: Being dishonest with your spouse is never justifiable when it comes to sex and your feelings. How would you feel if she cheated on you? And to add to that, there is the fact that you've previously admitted that it was with a man who is married, so both you and he are cheaters. All I see is the potential for hurt wives and children. I can understand divorcing because the spark is gone and your efforts have gone ignored and rebuffed, but I would never consider it acceptable to go outside of the relationship until after it's officially terminated.
Frosty Guy, I totally understand where you are coming from. I too, am dealing with a similar situation. Cheating isn't right, but justified...maybe. The biggest issue I see with your situation is that your children will be affected by this. Depending on how old they are, that could be devastating. Nevertheless you have already cheated. You are going to have to face up to it sooner or later. Now that you have crossed the line, it's time to start making some decisions. I wish you the best.
Pardon, "asexual" IS a sexual orientation (this is one reason why the Kinsey scale isn't yet a perfect description of the sexuality spectrum, never mind that it leaves out non-binary gender entirely). An asexual person can have sex, and many do have sex sometimes, but sex isn't their primary expression of affection for a partner. Even someone who isn't asexual can have a low libido, and there is nothing wrong about that. People just vary in their preferences. You can have a truly satisfying romantic relationship without much, or any, sex at all. Honestly, I think sex brings a certain level of selfishness into the relationship, and in some ways a sexless relationship could be considered better, depending on the needs and desires of the people involved in the relationship. But in our sex-crazed society, it's assumed that sex is the ultimate purpose of romance, which just seems dull to me. But, to each their own. To the OP, I do have a higher sex drive than my partner, so I do know where you're coming from. It can be very frustrating. But cheating is never justified. Think about it this way; how would you feel if someone you loved and trusted cheated on you? And how do you think your wife would react later after she knows you're bisexual, and that you cheated? Do you think this would help your case when you try to fight the (untrue) stigma of the "cheating bisexual" or the "promiscuous gay man" later on? Probably not. If you and your wife have different, incompatible expectations from your relationship, you're within your rights to talk about it with her and ask for some compromise. You need to talk to her about the feelings you expressed here, whether or not you tell her immediately(or ever, but that's another topic) that you cheated on her. Give the relationship some time to change or not change after you both put everything (meaning all of your expectations) out there in the open, and then see what you need to do after that. If you can't come to some kind of change that you both like, it's probably time for the relationship to end, because you both deserve to be healthy and happy in your relationship.
I think you're conflating the issue of wanting sex with a man (of wanting to bottom) with wanting sex generally. But neither issue "justifies" breaking an agreement. "To cheat" is to violate an agreement or understanding. As has been said, this can be understandable (such as when the stakes of a game are your own life, or that of a loved one), but justified? Never. The agreement in question here, of course, is your agreement (whether explicit in a wedding vow or implicit in your social contract to marry) not to have sex, except with your wife. Cheating in this regard is dishonest, not nice, and conceivably exposes your wife to dangers she's not even aware of (disease only being one of many possibilities). On the other hand agreements can be renegotiated. You can tell her what you want, what you need...whether that means sex with a man or sex at all. You can be honest with her and attempt to work out a renegotiation...if you can't, then yes, situations where you cannot negotiate are what divorce was made for. But don't use your bisexuality as an excuse to justify cheating. And don't use a need for sex generally as an excuse to justify cheating (let alone as an excuse for exploring your bisexuality). There are lots of reasons why one person in a couple stops (or effectively stops) having sex...often because they aren't able, but sometimes because they just don't want to. In such cases, it's not like wedding vows and other agreements are suddenly invalidated. But even the Catholic Church condones divorce (a formal renegotiation of commitments) in such cases. You needn't go that far...but it sounds to me like a renegotiation is warranted. But negotiation involves a decision by two people; not one.
biAnnika, I really couldn't have said it better. ^.^ Sup2345, I'm sorry if that sounded harsh. It wasn't my intention!
I don't think It's justified at all, even though I can understand your feelings. Imagine how devastated she would be to find out. There isn't anything you can do to get her interested? Maybe divorce really is an option....
Don't stay together just for the kids, I'm glad my parents are divorced. Kids always bounce back afterwards, just takes a while to get used to the new order of things. You have to tell your wife what you did, and I personally think it's not justified at all to cheat on someone you promised to love. But I suppose I have a very romantic view of marriage.
