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Day Drinking.... eww

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Sam2, May 15, 2014.

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  1. Sam2

    Sam2
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    Officially graduated today, it's weird knowing I don't have school anymore.... like wtf happened? hahahaha

    so last night my junk bomb brother came over, as always he was a prick, literally telling me my drug use is "Not an addiction" that I am "Nothing more than a fag boy bitch who cant stop getting attention" angered I just left, and when i came home today, he was still there. Didn't waste time, I left and picked up a liter of jack and 3 forty oz's of olde english. before putting any food in my stomache, I began slamming shots, didn't care just wanted to get F****ed up and stop thinking. remembering that I'm supposed to stop getting intoxicated I called my dr. and asked him if alc. counts as a relapse. He said: "Sam I think we both know alcohol is a relapse" And it is.... hella. because I'm on Oxy contin and booze kicks up whatevers in your system. "I'd like to see you tomorrow if possible" i just said yea ill come in around noon.

    Ashamed and now pissed off I drank more. Some how I am the only one who didn't puke out of all of us, kinda funny when you think of how much I drank. then I remembered, "It's 11 o'clock in the god damn morning, wtf is wrong with you gettin drunk this early?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?" I was supposed to hang out with Garry today. Figuring I have to deal with what I start I txted him, telling him I was drunk and would probly be no good to hang out with. he didn't care.... like at all. I personally don't get it. He came over anyway, and when I say i was drunk... I mean I was DRUUUUUUUNK. Like I killed over half of this liter. with everything spinning it doesn't add up that gary would want to hang out with me. But he did, he just came over and we watched a movie (he watched a movie, I passed out, woke up, passed out, woke up) I asked him how he wasn't angry. He just laughed and said " for 1 because it's kind of funny seeing you this drunk. for 2 because I knew something like this would happen when you told me about your problem, I'm not mad, because If i got mad, I'd get to emotional and probly yell and that doesn't do anyone any good. (he smiled) I'd rather you just realize your not helping yourself. and you look like you regret takin shots." well that was true... shit thats true now. spinning sooooo hard i just grunted, Garry pushed the hair out of my eyes and said "Seriuously this stuff happens, I don't want you beating yourself up, he kissed my forehead and said don't stress just try and go to sleep." as he pushed my head against his chest so i could use him as a pillow. I passed out in his arms. I woke up and he was still there, he said he wanted to make sure I was ok.

    He's so sweet.... damn he's too sweet! I cant help but feel I don't deserve him. I don't know whats in his head, But i wouldn't date anyone like me, haha.... seriously. I don't know how long he will be willing to put up with this crap. I gotta get my shit together cause Idk what I would do if I lost him. I'd put down whatever, a bottle, a joint, a tab, a pill... a needle. anything for him, I just gotta try and look at the positives.. I didn't have fun today, just spinning and later puking. Trynna look at that as my body telling me to stop haha. for now he keeps textin me, which is nice. But in the end I just feel terrible, like I don't even remember much of him being here. And that sucks... I gotta try and look at the bright side, I didn't die of alc poisaning and Garry didn't dump me. And I get another chance to take him out tomorrow lol, I mean we hang every day. But (And be honest) how long do you think you would put up with this? I am very determined to get, and stay sober, but sometimes I slip up :frowning2: Garry seems to know that, but everyone has their tipping point, I don't want Garry getting anywhere near that, and this is a bad start I mean it hasn't even been 5 days..... ugh whatever I gotta go puke. advice is greatly appreciated. :bang:
     
    #1 Sam2, May 15, 2014
  2. all paths

    all paths
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    *hugs*

    I know it's easy to say and not easy to do, but: Don't let your brother get to you with just a few a$$hole words.

    He's SOOOOO not worth it.

    Gary, on the other hand, IS worth it (worth shrugging your bro's words, and anyone else's negative words, off for).

    What if you think of it like this: Negative people in your life are the same as the drugs (including alcohol). They both want you to lose. And they both would take away the goodness and sweet things in your life, simply in order to have the twisted satisfaction of seeing you fall and suffer.

    Remember when you compared the drugs to demons? Well, I think you're gonna need to see the negative people in your life the same way, in order to get angry at them (at THEM, and not direct your anger inward by abusing your mind/body/feelings into submission).

    Because self abuse really is anger turned inward. And the 'wanting to get messed up & forget everything' really is taking anger that is properly directed back at the negative person, and pouring it on yourself, the feeler, instead. Instead of the person who caused you to feel like crap.

    When you don't feel very good about yourself, it's easy to hurt yourself, instead of get up the energy to "fight back" and stand up to that other person.

    You're worth standing up for, Sam. :kiss:

    Gary knows it.

    I know it.

    Everyone here knows it. (*hug*)

    ---------- Post added 15th May 2014 at 10:02 PM ----------

    Also: Gosh. :redface: If Gary was straight I'd totally steal your boyfriend from you. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    'Cause he's a keeper. Oh my gosh. SO sweet & awesome. :thumbsup:
     
    #2 all paths, May 15, 2014
  3. Chip

    Chip
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    Sam, one of the best things you can do for yourself is realize the pAttern, which is using some sort of drug to numb strong feelings. And by the way, we know from the literature that intense joy and happiness creates just as much risk of relapse as pain or hurt or anger... So the key here is learning to be with your emotions and feel them without being afraid of them. That is a tall order for a recovering addict, but you are unusually self aware... So give some thought to it and start coming up with alternative strategies you cans start using next time you have strong emotions come up.

    Some ideas: heavy exercise. Meditation. Yoga or body-based mindfulness. There are lots of others.

    Don't kick yourself. Just realize what happened and learn from it. And do whatever you can to get away from your brother, mom, and other unhealthy people.
     
    #3 Chip, May 15, 2014
  4. all paths

    all paths
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    Yeah I was gonna suggest something along the lines of the 'heavy exercise' idea. For me what works is a punching bag or something else I can whack on but not destroy (and not hurt myself, hitting) lol. That's a form of exercise. :grin:

    And it's great at getting frustration and angries out.

    ---------- Post added 15th May 2014 at 11:17 PM ----------

    Also one time when I was livid with a roommate and just felt I couldn't contain my anger I went out into the woods and smacked the shit out of some pinecones with a baseball bat sized stick.

    I felt better by the end of a few hours of that. And, you know, once I stopped whiffing thin air and actually started making contact. xD
     
    #4 all paths, May 15, 2014
    Last edited: May 15, 2014
  5. Sam2

    Sam2
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    "I went out into the woods and smacked the shit out of some pinecones with a baseball bat sized stick." lolololol thats funny haha. and yea working out is a great release but I can't afford it. So I'm probably just gonna have to do free workout methods hahahaha you know, jogging(as a smoker... so maybe walking lolololol), pull ups, push ups, all that stuff. Definitely better than the creature.

    And lets just clarify for a second, I don't use alc like a vice. I don't like it nearly enough to be drunk all the time. But it is no doubt a problem, because for me, there is no such thing as one beer, there's no 1 shot to celebrate. as far as I'm concerned, "Why would I drink what looks, tastes, and does your body like piss unless I'm getting messed up?" But the pattern is definitely real. It usually starts with booze. wich just leads to LSD and other psychedelics, which goes to uppers, wich goes to downers and boom I'm popping pills again.

    @chip I guess I'm self aware cause of a bunch of incredibly messed up things I've seen. I'm the only son who hasn't been institutionalized either for crime or mental health. gotta brother serving life right now. another who just finished his 15 year sentence and that changed him big time. He sort of dedicates his life to showing that he can change, it's actually pretty inspirational and he's actually been quite a help recently, esp. when I told him I'm trynna quit the dope. but then there's always the one who is just barely older than me, who claims he's clean now..... even though one of the first things he does is show me a massive bag of Ecstasy, and a 50 sheet of acid...... I explained that I'm trying to quit drugs all together that at this point it doesn't matter if it's addictive or not. I'm just trying to stay straight.

    ---------- Post added 16th May 2014 at 01:13 AM ----------

    FYI i did not take either the Ex or acid. thats why he was insulting me saying something like "Neither of these are addictive whats the big deal" I'm like "Because I used to take hella acid and ex, all it does is mess with my brain, u wanna take it? take it. I don't care I just don't want it."
     
    #5 Sam2, May 16, 2014
  6. AKTodd

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    Re exercise...jogging or walking has the added advantage of getting you out of the house and away from your family. Start up costs can be minimal and if you set yourself a goal (running a marathon for charity in a year or two?) you can also have the satisfaction of getting closer and closer to achieving the goal while also being out of the house longer and longer. Maybe you and Gary could run together?

    Hope this helps,

    Todd
     
    #6 AKTodd, May 16, 2014
  7. Sam2

    Sam2
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    that's a good idea. I'm not much of a runner, but like you said just gotta do it more frequently
     
    #7 Sam2, May 17, 2014
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