I've been diagnosed with Bipolar Depression / psychotic tendencies. So basically my mood drastically swings between moderately depressed or/and anxious to suicidal or/and violent. So as it's gotten worse over the last few years I've lost tens of friends because they didn't want to deal with me anymore. I've been thrown out of their homes when i visit because of a depression or 'numb' episode that they can't deal with. 6 hospital stays, 5 therapists, 2 school counselors, thousands of self injury scars. Pills to keep the voices quiet, make the shadows go away, reduce panic attacks, calm my moods, make me 'happy'. I'm only getting worse. "You're not trying hard enough." Well... I kinda am. I'd go a couple cities over to visit a now ex a few times which is a big deal for me. I take my meds like they want, I jog every morning. I'd try and make friends but there's nowhere for me to hang out in this town unless you count bars or groups at the University but the university is on the other side of town and the last 4-5 times I went there nobody showed up. I know there are some sites out there but after all the bad dates I've gone on I don't want to try them. They're part of why I get panic attacks. So yeah, i'm running out of friends. I'm out of physical friends, just relying on the internet now. Oh... drew this because I feel like shit. Not that it has much to do with this but hey it's a doodle. Spoiler
I'm sorry so to hear that you're losing friends due to things that you're not even in control of. It's very difficult for others to relate to people who are not like, therefore it's easier for them to drift apart. And given everything you're dealing with, I'm sure they just don't know how to be there for you. However, I honestly do not think that you should feel bad because I only have a few good friends who I can actually count on. Perhaps, you can find some type of support group for those who are dealing with bipolar, depression etc. I'm sure you will have no problem meeting people there who would be more than willing to stick by your side no matter what. Friends come and go, but those who are truly your friend will stick around through the ups and downs.
Are you having any good days Fugs or do you seem to be on a never ending down right now? It's too hard for people to imagine how bad these combined mental health issues are. It's one of those situations where nobody can walk a mile in your shoes to have the completeness of empathy where they can truly say, "I understand" and that must be so difficult and frustrating for you. I'm guessing you feel very much alone with it all. As things have gone downhill and the thoughts of suicide increase have you come to rely on the self injury more? Do you mind me asking if the self injury is having any impact on holding back the suicidal thoughts? What's been happening with the periods in hospital and therapy? Does hospitalisation/therapy have any impact or are you feeling like you are going through motions with it all? We don't know you in real life and real time Fugs, but use us as a sounding board if the other things are not coming together. I reckon you need an outlet for some of it right now.
I don't have any good days no :/ As for the hospitals and therapists yeah I just go with it. They never did help anyway. Self harm helps my anxiety but I guess you could say it reduces my suicidal thoughts for a bit.
