I'm about to give up on being gay

Suicide isn't a better option. If you live in a country that is homophobic and you fear for your own life, I recommend that you stay in the closet and come out when you feel safe.

 

Suicide is not a good option. Why would you throw away your life because others can't accept your sexuality?

And trying to live life straight if that's not what you are isn't a whole lot better. There are lots of people here, myself included, who have tried that, and it doesn't lead to the most fulfilling life. For some, it can be a tortured life.

You sound like you've accepted your sexuality yourself, and that's great. So you need to be true to that and find options that allow you to be the real you. Is there a counselor or therapist that you can talk to? Or some kind of a LGBT support group where you live?

And have you really exhausted all possible US colleges? I don't know enough about your skills, age, or current life situation, but is if you really want to come to the US, is it possible to come without a college lined up, and work for a time while you explore education options?

I think you have more options available to you than you think. Don't choose the permanent one! If you can't get support from someone where you are, there are lot's of great people here on EC. You've come to the right place.

 

No, Corwin's statement is kinda right.

I state confidently that there are not "literally no [other] gay people" in your country. It's probably easy to think that...but sheesh, if it's dangerous to be found to be gay, then it's no wonder *you* don't know any gay people...yet. Where this is the case, there can be a bit of an underground...a group of people who know one another and operate out of the eye of the officials (except the officials who happen to be gay). So your challenge is to find one...or more like, let one find you.

But if you are that unsafe in your country, you might also consider going to another country. Not the US? Fine. There are loads of other countries that have better attitudes toward queerness than yours...plenty that are better than the US, even.

And before you go and shoot down every option we put up, remember that we don't know your age, your location, your circumstance, or anything else here...so we're kinda shooting in the dark. It doesn't mean there are no good options...just that we don't have enough information to determine them.

 

Ok, so in the case that you cannot go to another country which is less homophobic...

If you are planning on faking being straight then I would suggest that you find a lesbian who also has the same plans to do the whole fake marriage and the rest. That way you can at least fake being with some one who also is fake being with you...you might also have a companion who you can talk to who understands your struggles.

 

something I say alot "dont shy away from your true self". no matter what people say, just be yourself even if you lose people or become hated. it happened to me and I just brushed it off my shoulders. if a friend doesnt accept you, they werent a true friend in the first place anyway.

 

me0w -

How many colleges have you applied too?

 

me0w, I'm really sorry to read about how trapped you feel. It must be truly awful for you to be in this situation, but please try not to lose hope.

The two options you mentioned are not really options at all, are they? Entering into a marriage will damage you over the long term and leave you with an inner conflict that will never go away and suicide is the abandonment of all hope, forever. I can see how it feels hopeless now and your energy and motivation is gone, but will it really be like that forever.. never to return? How can one say?

While you are in this bad place lean on us for support and try to review your options. The plan to go to college in the US may not have come through, but it doesn't necessarily mean you have no possibilities, ever. Life may take you on a different journey to a different place, but you need a bit of time to work out what and where that may be. Try to be brave for now, keep talking to us and don't act in haste.

You can be yourself on here. (*hug*)

 

Hello there.

Many of us here cant begin to understand the kind of environment and situation that you are in. I am sorry.

I can only suggest that you look in to other ways of seeking asylum or/and citizenship in more pro-LGBT countries.
I know, for example, that you can seek asylum in other countries (including the US) based on your LGBT status. I also know that marrying someone from a pro-LGBT country could/would allow you to live in that country and even become a citizen.

Dont give up. There are many ways to seek asylum and become a citizen. And dont just limit yourself to the US... You might find other countries easier to get in to (or then again maybe not, I dont know).

 

Alright, so you have effectively sent one application in and are still waiting to hear back, and you've already given up. How bad do you want to get out of Ethiopia, Me0w? Are you willing to do whatever it takes? Because whatever it takes, is going to probably be more than one application. Not because of your SAT scores, not because of anything relevant to you, but just because of statistics and odds.

I'm sure you've heard, and maybe have even read, Harry Potter. Do you know how many times JK Rowling's first book was rejected? Do you think it was one time? No. Well, one time isn't so bad, right? You could always try again. What about three times? No, still rejected. What about five times, surely after five times, she must have been ready to throw in the towel, right? No. She was rejected much more than five times. What about ten times, that's like the maximum amount of rejection a person can take? No, not if your name is JK Rowling. Her first Harry Potter book was rejected twelve times. That means she had to send her first Harry Potter book to thirteen different publishers before she found one who would publish her work.

As a result of that persistence, guess what? It has made her and everyone involve with those books fantastically wealthy, and the people who saw that first manuscript are likely kicking themselves every day. Some of them probably got fired for dropping the ball so badly.

You're going to need three things to be successful. Passion, persistence, and the ability to sell yourself. Passion and persistence are closely intertwined. You need the passion because that's where your persistence comes from... if you want something bad enough, you can make it happen. It's just a matter of pushing through all the life suck to get it.

The only real difficult part here is the ability to sell yourself. You're saying all these negative things as to why you'll be rejected - you have defeated yourself before you've even started. No, you need to think of all the reasons they -NEED- you. All the reasons they're going to -WANT- you. That's a hard thing to do, because we're so programmed to look at ourselves through a negative lens, to find all the flaws... but...

Imagine yourself as a used cars salesman. A really, really, shady used cars salesman. Your so shady your tag line is: "No returns. No refunds. No guarantees."

You have this piece of shit car on your lot, a real lemon. You're so convinced that it's a piece of crap, that you'll be shocked if the people who buy it actually make it off the lot before it breaks down and bursts into flames. You're going to have to find out a way to get them to sign a safety waver just to avoid legal liability when the inevitable happens.

The car looks as bad as it really is, and you're charging way more than it's worth. You have this beautiful couple standing there and they're looking back and forth at this car and at you. Of course, you know what they're thinking, "Really? You expect us to give you money for this piece of shit? Have you lost your mind?"

No, you haven't lost your mind. You're a salesman. You've got to make them want it, you've got to make them believe that they NEED this car in their life.

"Yeah, I see that look you're giving me. You probably think I've lost my mind, but I haven't and let me tell you why. The previous owners of this car were travelers. They've gone on countless adventures. This car has seen some adversity. It's been on three different continents. It's driven through mountains, snow, and every conceivable weather condition you can imagine. The previous owners told me that they once narrowly escaped a mudslide in California. This car is like magic, it's like having real luck.

Do you know how many times this car has been to the Grand Canyon? Fourteen. All the way from Miami Florida, to the Grand Canyon! Can you imagine how many cars can make that trip that many times?

Once, while in Minnesota there was a freak blizzard and they actually lost the car under the snow. It was missing for three months. And you know what happened when they found it? It cranked right up, as if they were driving right off the lot for the first time.

Yes, this car has seen some adversity, but that adversity gives it character. You can't buy that with a new car. Most cars made today would never survive even a quarter of what this car has endured, and that is a mark of it's craftsmanship. It's from a time when things were made by real people, and not just machines.

And just so you know, there is one more thing. It's kind of a personal story about the previous owners. They're an elderly couple in their late eighties who've spent years traveling as I said. However, due to advanced age they were no longer able to keep it up, and were going to live at a retirement home in Miami. As the elderly gentleman was handing the keys over to me, he told me that all he wanted was for the car to enter into the hands of another couple who would love and appreciate it as much as he did. A couple, that would enjoy the type of love of adventure that he shared with his wife. Letting go of this car was hard for them. It was the end of an era for them, and I felt their pain.

When I saw you both walk onto my lot, I got that feeling in the gut. I knew you both were the special people who need this car, and I knew I'd be able to trust you with it. I also knew from the look of you both that you'd love some adventure, and that's what this car will bring you. This car will provide you with opportunities. Wherever you want to go, it will take you there."

Now, I'm sure most people who read that are going to think: "What the fuck? I'm not going to buy this piece of shit. I want to get off this snake-oil salesman's lot as fast as I can." However, I guarantee you that sooner or later so long as that salesman is persistent, someone is going to buy that piece of shit. There is a sucker born every day, and you've got to be prepared to take advantage of an opportunity.

When you are selling yourself, you obviously don't want to be as dramatic or over the top, but you might have to embellish a little bit. You might have to fluff some things up, and smooth over some jagged edges. That's alright. Just avoid outright lies and you're fine.

One of the biggest assets you have is the fact that you're Ethiopian. You can probably find a way to leverage that to your advantage, talking about the cultural diversity you'd bring to campus. It's about what do you have that adds value to the college you're applying to join.

They're really looking for two things. Someone who has passion and drive, because that's contagious. The other thing they're looking for is someone who will add value to their school. SAT scores don't mean shit. There are a lot of worthless people who get high SAT scores. They're boring, they're dumb, and they add no value. Being a good test taker doesn't make you smart. It makes you a good test taker.

There is a sucker born every day. They exist everywhere and in all places. You just need to keep sending out applications until you find one. You may not get into the places that you want, but no one said you had to stay where you were forever. You can view the college you get into as a stepping stone to where you want to ultimately be... the key is to start taking the necessary steps forward now. Don't wait. Don't let rejection hold you back.

If you want to get out of Ethiopia, then it's going to require more effort than you've put into it already. However, I can guarantee you with as much certainty as I can guarantee you anything that if you're willing to be persistent then you'll find someone somewhere who will open the door for you. Just don't give up. Most people give up, and that's why they don't get anywhere they want to go. Getting what you really want is always hard. Rejection and failure are part of life, but if you keep trying eventually you will succeed.

 

I did some research on this and found that there was someone in very similar circumstances to you who successfully sought asylum in the US, the story is here:
Gay Student From Ethiopia Released From Immigration Detention, Seeks Asylum

The UK also appears to be making an effort to help gay asylum seekers, so seeking asylum is a very real possibility, should you choose to peruse it, but I think that getting into college would be a better idea because then you have to option to return home if you should ever want to.

 

Yes, exactly. You've given up before you've even started. You'll have the right to complain that it's hopeless when you've been rejected from twenty-five colleges, and rather than complaining you should be applying to twenty-five others. You should also be reapplying to your favorite colleges that you were rejected from, because there is no rule that says you can't do that.

There is so much opportunity out there for you, it just requires you to make an effort to seize it. In all likelihood the more colleges you apply to, the greater your chances of being accepted to multiple colleges. This will give you the opportunity to pick from among those who are the best fit.

You don't even have to limit your effort to the United States. Your primary goal is to get the hell out of Ethiopia, to a place that is safe and accepting of gay people. There are lots of opportunities for that: Canada, the UK, New Zealand, Australia, and most of Western Europe. You don't have to stay in these countries or places forever, just as you don't have to stay at the college you get into forever. They're a stepping stone to get you out of Ethiopia. They're a stepping stone to get you to where you want to be in your life. Once you're out of Ethiopia to some place safe that goal has been accomplished. Your new goal becomes pursuing the career that you want.

Do you have any passions? Are there any particular career's that you're interested in pursuing?

Then you should know that she not only had to send her book to thirteen different publishers before she was able to sign a book deal. She was also a single mother, living off welfare, and working out of an internet cafe. That's the life she was leading when she wrote that first book.

I tell you that, because I don't want you to think your families financial background makes a whole lot of difference. It's true that money can open doors for you that might otherwise be closed or difficult to open, but at the end of the day when someone hands out a loan they're investing in you and your future. This is why selling yourself is so important.

You can even turn the fact that your family only makes $7,000 a year into a selling point. Everybody loves a story that has humble beginnings, and there are so many people out there who want to feel like they are making a difference. When I hear $7,000 a year, I don't see that as a detriment, I see that as a selling point to some bleeding heart liberal who wants to feel special, and wants to feel like they've made a difference in someone's life.

You've got to look at things through the lens of value. There are things about you and your story that people want, even the things that you think are a detriment to you. It's all about how you present things to your audience. Kinda like how I did with the used car example. Realistically, all that travel put a lot of miles on it and left it in bad shape. However, I turned that into a selling point. Sure, it's got a lot of miles on it, but think of all the places it's been and all the adventure it's seen!

It's all about the spin. Taking something that might not sound so good, and making it sound good. Not necessarily lying, or even trying to hide it; just trying to convince people that it's actually a good thing. Whatever negative things that you think hold you back and would work against you, think of them in those terms. Think of a creative way to spin them, and make them work for you.

Not so good SAT Scores? No problem. Sure, you might not be so good at test taking, but you're a more practical person who learns and excels in hands on activities in the real world. Knowledge is only as good as it can be practically applied to real life. A lot of people are good at taking tests, but you excel at taking the knowledge you received and applying it to the real world outside of a classroom setting. See what I mean? That's spin.

Something else that might help... think of it like a game. This helps depersonalize the whole thing. Things become difficult when you're trying to sell yourself, and you're getting rejected - because getting rejected hurts. It sucks. It can cut deep. But if you try to think of it in terms of a game, where you are trying to con someone into giving you the opportunity that you want, it helps create some personal distance. They weren't rejecting you, they were just rejecting the con attempt. That just means you have to try a different tactic with them.

Sometimes you have to play little games with yourself like that to create some emotional distance.

So, let me ask you once more what I asked previously: Do you have any passions? Are there any particular career's that you're interested in pursuing?

 

I come from almost same background
i live in a middle-eastern country where being gay is illegal and i can face going to prison, my parents are religious and sure they will never accept me as being gay and all my friends are homophobic. I'm still not out to anyone and have no intention to do so in the near future. I thought it was impossible to date a guy under these conditions, i even dated two girls hoping to turn str8 but never worked for me. Now I have been dating a guy for 3 years now. It is very hard and harsh too i admit but possible, of course we have to be very cautious.

As for moving out of the country, that is our plan too, we have been trying for a couple of years now, we got rejected by Canada but we are still trying with other countries, maybe one day we will get lucky.
Condiser other countries like canada, australia and new zealand, maybe the requirements are easier and try also considering asylum but make it your last option, there are many risks with that option
You just have to keep working harder than everyone to achieve what u want and be patient cause it takes a bit of time but don't give up

 

I'm not very good at advice, but you can't force yourself to be straight. You have to be yourself. But suicide is the worst possible option. Please please please don't do that. Maybe they are only homophobic because they haven't had exposure to gay people, in which case coming out would be good for both you and them. Just please don't commit suicide, okay?