I'm female, 20. And a single mother of a 3 year old. I'm confused about my sexuality. God it's weird typing this! I have never spoke to anyone about how i feel or anything. From a very young age i have felt like i never fit in. Or have been what is expected. I was never interested in Barbies, jewelry or dresses... general girly stuff. I didn't see the fascination other girls had with boys, particularly at this age, celebrity crushes. I was the girl wearing a football kit in a tree with the boys covered in mud! I think i was about 9/10 at school, i had just moved there and pretty much from the first day i was getting name calling, things like 'spag'...'weirdo'...'freak'. which at this age were hurtful words. Then one word stuck 'lesbian'. I didn't even know the meaning for weeks maybe. But this stuck in the background of my school life right until the end. One girl and her friends in particular made me kinda hate myself from about 12-16. Cause i knew by then i did find women attractive, but thought it was just me thinking they were pretty, or had nice hair. But i would look at guys in this way? So i pushed it to the back of my mind. I would have crushes on girls and try to push it back. (i still kind of do) I have until recently convinced myself it to be nothing. Just envy? So i delibratley got a boyfriend, a older one to try and stop the name calling. to 'prove' i wasnt a lesbian. I remember not wanting to sleep with him, but telling myself i had to, to stop it all. So i did, twice. It disgusted me. I didnt have feelings for him emotionally.So i didnt sleep with him again, i thought id gain feelings...being a decent guy he didnt complain...A few months later, i found out i was pregnant. We used a condom, it must have split!...I do not agree with abortion therefor kept my son, who i love unconditionally. remaining celibate with the father throughout the next 2ish years using various excuses. I ended it cause i realized i was never going to love him and it was unfair and making me miserable emotionally. i knew it wasn't the case but convinced myself it was just him. So i tried a relationship with another guy, Nothing changed. The intimate side disgusted me, i never wanted to. i didnt have emotion..........I've had limited experience with other girls, But it feels more natural? Like, i don't know really. More enjoyable? But i will look at a guy and think he's hot? But not want to kiss him or anything else. There is no temptation lets say. I'm not lying to myself anymore. I know i'm attracted to women. That's fact. I wouldn't know how to label myself if someone was to ask, which they don't anymore. My family do not know any of this, nor my friends. Even my best childhood friend who i trust completely. I suppose im insecure maybe? I know they'd be fine with it but i'm just scared, still! Is it weird that i had a child first? What do i tell people and how? Im just finding the whole situation confusing and quite frankly terrifying. But i'm unhappy because of locking my feelings back all these years, i need to release it. I can't hide myself away for the fear of what people will think or say anymore,I need to be me. But what am I? I just dont know where to start or what to say?
Alright sister listen u need to stop being in denial about yourself. U need to learn to accept the fact that u might be gay. It doesn't matter what all the other shit heads in high school called u. No it's not weird that u have a kid plenty of gay men and women had sex with the opposite gender and got pregnant so no your not weird. U need to stop feeling so terrified and just breathe. Also labeling yourself I hate it when people try to label themselves. Don't label yourself just say u like women plenty of people on here do. And I'm really glad u found this site bc we r here to help u. Also with telling your family if they'll accept it yes the idea of coming out scares everyone shitless but if they do get accepted it's a million pounds lifted off of your shoulders. What r u? Your a damn good mom that's what u r. Anyway if u have trouble accepting yourself there is this place bc I know that this place really helped me bc I saw all these amazing people who were able to pull off a really good life have someone they love and I mean ya please stick around EC. Oh and hey if u wanna message me don't be shy just click on my wall and type (*hug*)
You don't have to feel weird about typing out your feelings here. This forum is pretty much open with anything and what's good is that you came to the right place I think given from what you said, I could say that you are a lesbian. I think what is important here is that you have a son and you know who you really are. Before you tell your family about anything, try to think if they have any opinions about being gay. I think it's important to know these things for the sake of your protection. Try talking to someone who you trust the most (could be your child hood friend). If you have trouble striking the conversation, try telling her the way you just explained your situation in this thread. Good luck.
