1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

lost

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by matthias, May 17, 2014.

  1. matthias

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 16, 2014
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Some people
    When I was nine years old my parents were in the family room watching American wedding. The movie being rated r my parents told us we couldn't watch it with them being the sneaky little basterd I was peeked through the door during the scene with the strippers. Setting a nude woman's breast for the first time I became obsessed with them. Thinking about her body all day at school when I got home went straight to the computer and searched things like "boobies" and "nude". I'm not sure why or how but I ended up seeing some pretty hardcore gay porn without even realizing it at nine years old. This went on for a few weeks then I just stopped I don't really remember I guess I just got busy with video games or something and completely forgot about it. Then about a year and a half later I remembered it all. Images would pop in my head and I started to hate myself for what I have done. I eventually got over it I guess. Then 2006 I started middle school and got bullied a lot for being an annoying nerd and what not looking back I see how annoying I was and I would have bullied me too if I met my 12 year old self. One of the things kids would say is that I had big ears. My father saw this 2020 episode about children with big ears as young as 6 getting them pinned back with cosmetic surgery and my dad thought this would like end the bullying and make me more likable so he asked me if I wanted it done. I said yes. So the summer after sith grade I started looking at gay porn allot since I had no friends and allot of free time. Mid summer I got the procedure done without worry. Then I started seventh grade still got bullied it was whatever though. That October my dad found the internet history and found the gay porn and flipped out we talked he didn't really know how to handle it and I was really embarrassed. We kind of put it aside for a few months until he caught me again. Then he was telling me he wanted to kill himself I just felt very guilty and embarrassed. We kind of put it aside again and didn't talk about it but occasionally he would say things like "you look at weirdo porn". I don't really know how or where this story is going I just need to vent I'm sorry. But I stopped looking at porn for a while once I started playing drums in the eighth grade playing drums truly made me happy until I got in tenth grade and started looking at porn again and smoking pot I completely lost intrest I've basically been looking at hard core porn daily for the past two or three years WHAT A WASTE OF A LIFE. I'm currently near of the end of my first year out of high school, don't go to college or have a job I'm just a masturbating loser. (Back to the time line) I started using ****** when I was 15 just having explicit conversations with the guys had my first hook up with this 27 year old guy just messed around a little but still (kind of a fucked up way to lose your virginity) so the past year has kind of been a string of nsa emotional hook ups. So now I'm very depressed and suicidal but not seriously suicidal as in I wouldn't do that to my family I would have just not been born in the first place. Lay week I broke down and told my parents I need therapy. I have to wait almost two months before they have an opening :/ which would be fine but I just enlisted in the military and I'm having second thoughts so I want to get mental help to decide if I should try to back out of it my ship date is October 29 th and I don't think that's enough time to get healthy but I'm not sure I'd I can get out of the contract or not. But if I don't go what do I have to look forward to staying in the civilian world since I have no money job or friends? I really hate myself and I'm not sure if I'm gay or just can't get girls since I'm addicted to porn and ****** makes finding sex so easy.