What to do when soul searching doesn't work?

At the risk of coming off a bit harsh, until you can deal with the paranoia of being bisexual, despite having a desire to be totally homosexual, then you haven't soul searched. At least not enough anyway.

You can continue to think about this, or you can live your life. There's no sense to wallow away when you're relatively young, and have many, many years ahead of you. Life will alter and perhaps influence changes, and it may come much later that you realize, ah-ha! So this is what I am! Until then, you can either continue to debate with yourself until it tears you apart, mentally and emotionally, perhaps even spiritually, or you can live life and take it as it comes.

If there was an absolute solution to all of this, well, I don't think people would be having such a hard time with it. In fact, a good percentage of the threads on this forum wouldn't be necessary.

 

If your top priority in life is finalizing your sexuality, then you may be sitting on the bench for a long, long, looooooong time. There is more to life than who you'd like to get frisky with.

You claim you're a friendless nerd, and I can agree with half of that. You're a nerd, this much is true, but there is nothing wrong with that. It just means you're particularly keen-minded at something, or some things. There is no shame in that. As for the friendless part, while it may seem like that, hardly anyone is unable to make friends. Now, a genuine friend, okay, sure. But I think many people deal with artificial friendships, so you aren't the only one. However, I know you can make friends, because you interact and exchange information and ideas on this forum. While this forum isn't exactly the same as the world you enter upon logging offline, it still contains people of different backgrounds, beliefs, and walks of life. The fact you can interact and mingle with them, just goes to show you have the potential.

Life is hard. It's damn hard at times. There have been days I want to throw my hands in the air, and just give up trying to be supportive and understanding. But I don't. You know why? Because I know, some day, someone is going to appreciate that about me. I believe that who I am will be appreciated, given value, and contribute to making somebody's life a tad bit easier. I try my best to leave people feeling either enlightened, cherished, or significant. Sometimes all three, if I'm on my A-Game. You can't count yourself out or doubt who you are, because that will only fulfill a self-destructive prophecy... and you'll be right back to where you were before. Ready to run the cycle again, over and over, again and again.

These setbacks you experience now will, you'll see, make you that much more capable and much stronger. Don't perceive it as an obstacle you can never overcome, perceive it as another opportunity to see who you are -- what makes you tick, think, and instills a passion within you. Pursue some form of employment, find a hobby, begin a meaningful conversation with someone, and truly savor them. Anything that puts you, and what you possess, out there to contribute, to grow, or to benefit. It may take some time, longer than you would like, but when you touch somebody's life, you'll know it was worth it.

Remember, those who seek to mold themselves quickly may come to regret their sculpture sooner.

 

Don't devalue your life. That's a terrible thing to do.

Your life may be uneventful, but it is never nothing. Hearing such things, or similar ones, reminds me of my own battles with my personal demons.

If you put as much effort as you do analyzing and finding excuses into other avenues, I am most curious what you could accomplish. For every moment spend saying 'no' is a moment that could have been spend doing. I know that all of this is easier said than done, but it is ultimately going to come down to one of two things.

Your uncomfortableness vs your desire. Either your being uncomfortable, and sticking to the shadows, will be how you go about life, or you will be pushed into taking some kind of action by an inclination to change, to experience, or to break the repetition of immobility. It may take a long time, longer than you would like, but something will have to give. If you do indeed want answers, let alone clarity, then you'll have to be a little more clever about your options.

If it helps, I was called mentally handicap by a particular teacher in junior high. This teacher, believed I was mentally challenged because I had no interest in paying attention. It wasn't the subject that turned me off, it was her lack of enthusiasm and her quickness to berate students for either not answering, or not knowing. I'd much rather prop my feet up and read a book, so I was placed in a special education classroom... but after day one they realized I didn't belong, so they took me out. I saw an opportunity here, and I took it. I figured, if I try there, then I may luck out and free myself, and perhaps not have to get that teacher again. Well, it paid off. I was put into another class, with cooler classmates and a hell of a lot better teacher.

What you see as a tomb is a potential platform. If you put your intelligence to other things, I know you could move your life along in a more preferable manner. You are ridiculously insightful, judging by your other threads and topic contributions.

 

It may seem like a cop-out answer, but simply... don't worry about it. What difference does it make what categories of gender you are attracted to? I say I'm bi, but when I feel more exclusively one or the other, I just go with the flow, confident in the knowledge it will sooner or later change again.

So if you find your sexuality going from gay to bi and back, you could try just forgoing a label and determining attraction on a personal basis.

**addendum: friendless nerd? It really only applies to straight relationships as I've observed, but guys go NUTS over nerd girls. If you are how I picture you, there's no reason why you couldn't be drowning in partners of any gender you want if you find out how to love yourself.

 

Chromenerd, the beauty of coming out is that you are fully honest with yourself. If a particular label doesn't fit, then you can't make it fit. Just because "heterosexual" doesn't apply doesn't mean you have to jump to "homosexual". First and foremost, accept yourself for who you are, no matter your attractions.

As for being friendless, perhaps you should try accepting yourself and then others will accept you. But I will go out on a limb here and say that you probably are not friendless, you are just pushing people away for fear of rejection. Accept yourself, accept others into your life, and you'll discover love.

If you are having real anxiety though, it might help to talk to a school guidance counselor or something. It will help you get out of your own head, and to escape the negative cycle of thought.

One thing I've foudn helpful lately is thinking about all the things I'm grateful for before I go to sleep. It helps me wake up in a more positive headspace.

Things will look up soon, hang in there. But don't force yourself to be who you're not. If you're gay, yay! If you're bi, take it from me: it's not so bad.

---------- Post added 18th May 2014 at 06:25 PM ----------

P.S. I agree with Kaiser and Argentwing, being a nerd is what will make you seek out something deeper in life as you get older, and not only is it nothing to be ashamed of but it's a wonderful gift! There are tons of people seeking nerds over standard/typical/mainstream/boring people. If you find something you're interested in, run with it, and you'll find others with the same passions who will think you're cool because you're a nerd, not in spite of it.

 

Well it sounds like you're not straight. Whether or not you're gay will come out with time, and you can't rush that. It's easy to try to avoid future hurt by trying to predict everything and working through it in one's head, but there is no substitute for life experience. At some point you will have to engage with the world rather than retreat.

Hope this helps!