1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Can a straight man enjoy gay porn?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by lovelylynne93, May 21, 2014.

  1. lovelylynne93

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 21, 2014
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Hey everyone, my name's Lynne. I'm new here.

    A little background information about myself and my relationship. I've known my boyfriend, whom we'll call J, for seven years. We have been together since November and have been sexual partners since January. Everything has gone swimmingly. Early on in the relationship, although everything about him seems to be "stereotypically straight" there's always been something, and I don't know what, that made me think he may be bicurious. As for myself, I've always been attracted to women sexually, but was never in a relationship with another woman because at the end of the day I prefer to be with a man.

    Long story short, I went through his phone a few weeks ago (in front of him) and found on his browser that he was watching (male) gay porn. Now, we talk about seemingly everything, from oh I stubbed my toe to future plans and aspirations, marriage within the next few years and even what kind of porn we watch - never has he mentioned that he watches gay porn, however (I've told him that I've had a sexual encounter with a woman before, he thought it was great that I'm open to things) and it bother me not that he could be bisexual, but that he hid it from me.

    When I asked him about it he was furious. He said I was nosy, it was none of my business. He asked me to leave him be. My words were, "Ill give you your space, but first I'll say this: I'm not mad, but I am bothered that you hid it from me after all this time. I just want to understand, but I know you may not understand yourself. I know you probably didn't tell me because society is not as accepting of gay men as it is of gay women, even though they're not fully accepted either. Bottom line is, I love you for who you are and I accept you. At some point we have to talk about it but for now I'll respect your wishes and give you your space." & I kissed his forehead and went in the other bedroom and we slept apart that night.

    The next day we went about things normally, we were both off work so we went to park, played basketball, went to the beach and just relaxed. Later that night he apologized for coming at me the way he did and said that he's not gay, it's "just some s*** I watch sometimes." I asked him how it all began. He said he was watching "regular porn" and saw one of two men in the suggested videos section and watched it out of curiosity, then it became something he watched maybe a few times a week at some point while watching "regular porn". I asked him if he found men attractive or wanted to be sexual with a man, to which he said no. He added "I dont even know why I watch it." Again he said he's not gay and doesn't want me thinking he is.

    I think he's curious to see what it would be like, yet he insists he's straight. I think he's in denial, because obviously there must be something about what you watch, whatever it may be, if you continue to watch it. I don't think he wants to be labeled and he definitely doesn't want anyone to know.

    Can a straight man enjoy (male) gay porn?
    Do you think he's curious?

    Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this and for any input.
    I'm relieved to have found a place where I can speak openly
     
  2. photogSIL

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2014
    Messages:
    0
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Vagabond
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Hi :slight_smile:
    I definitely think he has curiosities. And as far as his reaction.... its quite embarrassing to be "caught". So he reacted as any man would have.
    Its great that you're supportive! And my advice would to give him some time before bringing it up.
    And I am speaking from a very personal perspective.. as I went through something very similar. Good luck, and keep.us in the loop!
     
  3. Fallingdown7

    Fallingdown7 Guest

    He might just be curious. Porn isn't always the best indicator, but it has been shown that men prefer porn that match their orientation, while women get off to any and all porn regardless of orientation, so....

    Also, why can't he just be straight but curious? You call yourself straight even though by what you put down you come off as technically bisexual to me. But It's not up to me to say how you should identify, so I think the same should apply to him. There are a lot of sad double standards when it comes to attraction; women can sleep with 100 women and still be considered "straight", but if a man even looks at another man funny he's 'gay'. It's phallocentric and says that only men should matter in the attraction field. He might prefer the opposite sex strongly like you do, which is why his possible male curiosities don't matter to him.

    I should also add that I'm happy that you would accept him for who he is, and that's good. I'm not trying to undermine your relationship at all, but I simply believe that if he says he's straight, he probably is for the same reasons you say you are.
     
    #3 Fallingdown7, May 21, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: May 21, 2014
  4. Lexington

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    11,409
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Colorado
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    People can get desensitized to porn. Even what seemed like the hottest thing imaginable eventually becomes something stale, and then the search continues. And oftentimes, guys (especially) seem to like to ramp things up. Exotic locales. Threesomes. Bondage. Role-playing. Lesbian. And yes, gay. All these things have the benefit of being unfamiliar and perhaps even "forbidden", which can make watching them all the more exciting.

    Is that what's happening to your boyfriend? Possibly-probably. I'd say you had the discussion, and he knows you're cool with it, so I'd let the matter drop. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  5. stocking

    stocking Guest

    Joined:
    Jul 12, 2013
    Messages:
    7,542
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    I've heard some straight men enjoy gay porn.
     
  6. Kasey

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2013
    Messages:
    6,385
    Likes Received:
    162
    Location:
    The Commonwealth of Massachusetts
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Porn is Porn. Who cares.

    Lexington is exactly correct as well.

    However why were you going through his phone "even if he was there"?
     
  7. Gates

    Gates Guest

    Joined:
    Mar 23, 2014
    Messages:
    1,544
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Between paradise and nothingness
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    My understanding is that many straight men watch gay porn. I hate to invoke the Kinsey nonsense but maybe it's useful here... He could be bi or he could just be straight with a bit of bi-ness (like a 1 versus a 0). Or he could just really like sex or he could be interested in switching (but with a woman) rather than always being a top. I wouldn't assume anything about his sexuality based on his porn habits.
     
  8. PatrickUK

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2014
    Messages:
    6,943
    Likes Received:
    2,359
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I think a lot of straight men are slightly curious about what happens during gay sex and the only way to find out, other than trying it themselves is to watch some gay porn. Did he enjoy watching it? Maybe, maybe not. It might have satisfied his curiosity though.
     
  9. lovelylynne93

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 21, 2014
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    You have an excellent point and I never considered it from that angle. He may be attracted to men as I'm attracted to women but can also prefer women the same way I prefer men. Huh... Never would have thought about it like that! Thank you. See - as much as I try not to let society's ideals trickle into my thought process I apparently did! Glad I could see it from your point of view! :thumbsup:
     
  10. lovelylynne93

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 21, 2014
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    To be perfectly honest, like my boyfriend said I was being nosy :rolle: It's no biggie for either of us to be on each others phones, we don't have passwords or swipe codes and he's on mine all the time. Having said that I know it's still not okay to invade another's privacy no matter how close you are.
     
  11. lovelylynne93

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 21, 2014
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Another great point. Thank you :icon_bigg

    ---------- Post added 21st May 2014 at 02:25 PM ----------

    Thank you everyone for your input. It's great to see the point of view of others, especially when it's in your own situation. While everyone's input was valuable and appreciated, I gained more understanding of my situation from Fallingdown7. Like she said, though I'm attracted to women I prefer men so I consider myself straight and my boyfriend may very well have the same situation. For some reason, I never would have thought about it like that but I'm glad she's brought that to my attention.

    For those who may be wondering about me raising the topic with him again, I hadn't planned to at all because he came to me and we discussed it the next night. He said what he had to say concerning the matter and I'd decided then to just let it be. I just came here for advice and support which all of you have been so kind to extend me :icon_bigg

    Thank you all and have a beautiful day (&&&) & :kiss: everyone
     
  12. sam the man

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2013
    Messages:
    790
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I think if he keeps coming back to it and he enjoys it, then yes, something's probably going on. But that doesn't make him gay or bi necessarily, it just means that he's got curiosities or fantasies that he's exploring. As said already, there are lots of potential reasons for his liking gay porn: he could indeed have a bit of "bi-ness" in him that's been awakened, or he could just be breaking into a new genre, or excited by the forbidden fruit factor, or just plainly enjoying the fact that it's people having sex. It could be any number of things, and while men are typically more visual, I'd say the only reasonable inference you can make at this stage is that he likes gay porn and has some appreciation of the male form.

    It's a little more likely that he's gay or bi, but there's a good chance also that he's just curious, so there's no reason at this stage for anyone to jump to any conclusions. He seems a little ashamed and/or unprepared for this, so back down for now, let him think it through and wait for him to bring it up if and when he feels ready. I agree with everyone so far, right now the best thing to do (unless he starts behaving strangely or distant towards you) is just take his word for it and continue as normal.
     
  13. Wuggums47

    Wuggums47 Guest

    If he watches it regularly, which he admitted he has, then he at least has sexual feelings for men. Wether he could actually be in a relationship with one is an entirely different matter, and even if he could, he still is attracted to females, so it's not like there's anything to worry about. I can understand why he didn't tell you, he probably didn't think it was relevant if he doesn't also recognize his own sexuality.
     
  14. stocking

    stocking Guest

    Joined:
    Jul 12, 2013
    Messages:
    7,542
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    This might be slightly off topic but sorta on topic but How come when a guy does something that's sometimes isn't considered gay or he hasn't done anything with a guy he either gets called gay or bi but most of the time gay . But if a woman does something that is gay or sometimes if she's gay straight and no one questions her and if she gets question people act like a the person who did did something wrong . What's up with this double standard ?:confused:
     
  15. gravechild

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2013
    Messages:
    3,425
    Likes Received:
    110
    Gender:
    Androgyne
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Porn isn't the best indicator of sexual attraction, and I'd pay more attention to where his focus lies outside of that. Even then, it isn't full proof, since there are plenty of gay people who no one would have guessed before they came out, and straight people others have their suspicions about. There are gay men who watch straight porn and I've heard from some straight men that they will watch gay porn now and then, though I didn't ask for details, so have no idea how frequently they watch it, reasons why, their reactions, etc.

    Also, implying he might be this or that probably isn't the best way to go about it, since both straight guys and gay men in-denial can be very touchy when it comes to their sexuality, as it's equated with masculinity and self-worth. Best leave that up to him to decide.

    Some people are of the mind that a man can't be bisexual, and I've even heard that if someone is curious or questioning, they're automatically gay, since, you know, one drop rule.
     
  16. stocking

    stocking Guest

    Joined:
    Jul 12, 2013
    Messages:
    7,542
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Some people are of the mind that a man can't be bisexual, and I've even heard that if someone is curious or questioning, they're automatically gay, since, you know, one drop rule.[/QUOTE]

    That's so wrong for people to think like that
     
  17. fortheloveoflez

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 4, 2013
    Messages:
    478
    Likes Received:
    2
    why not?

    So, even if he is attracted to guys so what? You say that you are sexually attracted to women yet call yourself "straight", so what's the difference for him?

    Why is there a difference? Is it because society tells you that female's self-identification sexually is up to debate whereas for guys it's cut and dry?
     
    #17 fortheloveoflez, May 24, 2014
    Last edited: May 24, 2014
  18. gravechild

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2013
    Messages:
    3,425
    Likes Received:
    110
    Gender:
    Androgyne
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Please remember that insecure men have and still do kill one another over homosexuality accusations, since that's one of the *worst* things a man can be in the eyes of many. Not to dismiss the struggle that lesbians go through, but gay men lose a lot more, at least regarding the loss of manhood, and are seen as being "closer" to women, therefore inferior; non-men, almost.

    There's very little tolerance or flexibility here. Even the OP's post about sharing experiences with the same-sex compared to her boyfriend hiding his porn preferences and becoming defensive when they're brought up paints the picture that it's fine in women, but not so much in men.

    It was accepted to a degree in ancient societies, IF the partner was younger, taking the penetrative role, and an apprentice, otherwise it was less so.
     
  19. fortheloveoflez

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 4, 2013
    Messages:
    478
    Likes Received:
    2
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I don't really think that's a fair assessment of a queer woman's experience.

    So what you said is that gay men are seen as "inferior" because they are "closer to women". Based on your logic, Wouldn't it make sense then that an actual woman (lesbian) would be seen as even more inferior because she isn't "closer to a woman" but actually fully perceived as a woman?

    It's "fine" in women because people don't actually view female sexuality as legitimate and instead view it as "in the end she will always need a man" or "I can convert her" type of thing. There is this horrible thing called "corrective rape" which I'm pretty sure you seem unaware of...but then again, it's not like it's the advertised as the forefront of violence against the gay community probably due to politics. Do straight women diminish your sexuality and tell you that all you need is a good vagina-ing? Well, I wouldn't think that's widespread at all for gay men but you can correct me if it is. For lesbians though this type of threat is an actual reality. I can only imagine how difficult it would be for lesbians in other countries where women have minimal rights, can't represent themselves with the same voice, have minimal opportunity to go out of the household alone, are sold into marriage, can't even drive legally, don't have financial independence, don't even have lesbian porn that caters to them (but instead to straight men), don't have protection under law for marital rape and domestic violence, are treated as sub-humans etc. How would you even expect them to be remotely out? Find a group to be in (yes, I know in a lot of places lgbt rights are so minimal but you can consider in these places that any thing out there would be even less accessible for women)? Have a secret relationship on the side? Choose a partner who seems to be gay or maybe would be easier to live with in a "heterosexual" marriage? Have the voice to say "no" to sex? And the list goes on. That's the thing though, a lot of "lesbian" problems also stem from having to live in a patriarchal society.

    I can say more I just don't want to derail entirely...
    I just wish this myth of so-called lesbian acceptance and lack of hardship would go away
    ----------------------------------------------------------

    To the OP

    I'm sorry if my first message came across as crass.

    I think that you should believe what he says and not make assumptions based on his behavior. As some other users posted, erotic imagery may not be the best way to determine some one else's orientation. Think of it this way, have you ever enjoyed watching thriller movies before? Would you actually want to put yourself in a thriller-type situation? Maybe, maybe not.

    If he is curious, what really should matter at the end of the day is that he wants to be with YOU. :slight_smile: So, I think that some times people might feel pushed away if they are questioned too much about their commitment.
     
    #19 fortheloveoflez, May 24, 2014
    Last edited: May 24, 2014
  20. stocking

    stocking Guest

    Joined:
    Jul 12, 2013
    Messages:
    7,542
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New England
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Thank You fortheloveoflez