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Why the hell do I work like this? (Long ass rant about myself)

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Brandiac, May 21, 2014.

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  1. Brandiac

    Brandiac
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    These last few days, but if I really think about it, for the last few weeks there's been such a huge pile of confusion in my head and the subject tends to change completely randomly. You see, I tend to stress a lot about stuff, even if it's something really insignificant. And usually I worry about the future a lot.

    Pretty much the second I wake up I start thinking, what if there's gonna be a war son, what if an asteroid hits us, what if my gayness is found out... It's like I'm on an endless mission to be emotionally prepared for the worst, and this is taking my life.

    But this is just one of the many things constantly waving around in my thoughts. What if I'll never find love, because other than enjoying life (which is something I'm not really doing right now either) that is my ultimate life goal. I'm never satisfied with my looks, I ant to be perfect and I could accept so many imperfections and flaws of another guy but I just don't want to expect anyone to accept anything about me. I'm also racing against time. I'll be very busy starting from this september until...pretty much the end of my life. Senior year in high school, and the university and then hopefully a job. So if I can't do something now, I'll stay the ungly piece of shit that I am. I've come a long way in the last year but it's still not enough. I also need to get all A-s in every subject that is required when they calculate my score for getting a place in a university.

    I feel like it's my responsibility to be a more successful person, and not live in the same conditions as most of the family does. And meanwhile I'm so alone. I wake up at 5:30 am every morning, I get home around 3 pm. Then I work out an hour, relax another one and then study for upcoming tests (usually I memorize stuff just by paying attention during classes, that's why languages are my thing I guess). It also pisses me off to no end that I have to study all kinds of shit I'm not good at, and I can't devote as much time to things I actually have a bit of talent in. So anyways, I study and that was my day. I may have said a few sentences to classmates and teachers, but that's it. I have no friends IRL, and the few online ones I can't hang out with anymore. Finally their racism is pushing me away. (I'm not out to them and I'll never be because they'd go out of their way to ruin my life)

    And then I hear stuff about Russia and Ukraine, I hear stuf about gays being hanged in some countries, I hear a lot about poverty, rape, murder and I want to change all of these things but I can't because I'm just a grain of sand in a huge desert. So sometimes I have very misanthropic thoughts. I fail to see any benefits to mankind existing and a lot of times I feel ashamed to be human. And then those feelings go away when I do something else for a while.

    I just don't know what I'm fighting for. I'm not ending my life as long as there's mom and family I would make sad by being gone, that's perfectly shielding me from such things. But I don't know where I'm going, where the world is taking me. I have a loving and caring mom I can always be open to and it's not enough for me. So when I read about not so accepting parents, obviously I wish I could change that for whoever...and makes me think I have no right to be upset.

    Also, even if I'm out of high scholl and can start looking for someone, that won't mean anything. I mean what is the probability of finding such a philosophy-centric person like me, who's always just wondering? I wish I could share my happiness, my pain, feelings and whatnot with someone and could be there to wait for theirs. But no, what people are interested in is f*cking everyone 5 minutes after seeing them. Values are completely distorted and lost. Well thank you dear world, I won't be another cog in the machine of society, I won't be just another one in the herd! :tantrum:

    What it all comes down to is...I have such a weird way of thinking. I can't even understand it. It's my mind and a lot of suppressed personality traits that I am (but my surroundings always taught me to do that because my ideas are always shit, my imagination is always shit, etc.), and every cell of my body is just a slave to it. Why can't I just be a non-thinker, and just live life as if everything was perfect, even if I was just pretending that it was? :tears:
     
    #1 Brandiac, May 21, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: May 21, 2014
  2. Andrew99

    Andrew99
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    It's not your fault
     
    #2 Andrew99, May 21, 2014
  3. Brandiac

    Brandiac
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    Thank you, but I'd also like to bump this and give it another chance. I realize it's far too long, but still. And if I get a warning or something for bumping, so be it. This is important for me.
     
    #3 Brandiac, May 23, 2014
  4. Andrew99

    Andrew99
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    Yes and even if u get a short ban it's fine I know plenty of people that have been banned I myself have.
     
    #4 Andrew99, May 23, 2014
  5. Mirko

    Mirko
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    Hi there!

    Have you heard the phrase: don't worry about the things you can't control, worry about the things you can control? Can you control whether there will be a war breaking out somewhere on the globe? Can you control whether an asteroid is going to hit earth? Nope. If you would like to, be concerned about what happens in other parts of the world, but don't let it consume your thoughts.

    Worrying about things, leads to stress. And they feed each other. Not only that, but the more you worry, the more your thoughts are going to be consumed by it.

    There are things that you can control. Try not to defeat yourself before going in, and finding that special someone. Saying, "what if I'll never find love," you are already setting yourself up traveling on a harder road/path because you are already priming yourself for that it might not happen. Rather than saying "what if I'll never find love,' try saying to yourself, "my goal is to find somebody with whom I can build a relationship."

    A large part in how you see the world, and feel what is possible, also depends on how you see yourself. From what you have mentioned, I'd suggest that you try working on your self-esteem; and it might be a good place to start. If you can accept imperfections in others, why would you not expect somebody else to do the same when it comes to yourself? The way you look at yourself, the way you feel about yourself, will become noticeable when you interact with others. Most often than not, people will take their cues from you. If you go in with confidence, accepting all of your imperfections, the other person will accept them too.

    Have a sit down with yourself, and ask yourself: "what is it that I don't like about myself?" If it is your looks, start working on accepting your looks. To be sure, you can do a few things for example to get into shape, such as working out (which you are already doing) but at the end of the day you still have to accept the way you look. Remember that we all come in different shapes and sizes. We all have our own looks. And that is actually what allows us to connect with people, to be attracted to them.

    While you are studying, and trying to achieve some of your goals, make sure to leave some time just for yourself. There is no reason to place this much pressure on yourself, which in the end will only lead to more stress. Make some time for trying to create new friendships. Leave some time for trying to talk with your classmates more. Maybe grab a coffee, have a lunch/dinner together, or go and see a movie. Start with one person with whom you would like to be friends with. You know your values, you know what interests you. So maybe, try to look for somebody who shares some of your interests, and passions.

    You have already set a few goals for your life, including enjoying life. Try to think about how you can achieve these goals? What do you need to do to enjoy life? Setting some goals for yourself might also give you a greater sense of purpose, which could also help you in finding an answer to where the world is taking you.

    Being concerned and wanting to be a force for good and trying to change things are admirable traits, and if you are passionate about it, maybe there is something you could do either through volunteering or the kind of job you might be looking for after university. So maybe that could be part of one of your goals. Trying to be an additional voice for change.

    There are a few things that are within your control: the way you see yourself, creating or establishing new friendships, going out there and finding that special someone, creating realistic and achievable goals and working away on them.

    Do things need to be perfect? No, they don't. They just need to be where you can say: "I'm happy" and are able to smile afterward. (*hug*)
     
    #5 Mirko, May 24, 2014
  6. Brandiac

    Brandiac
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    Wow thank you, this is truly a great piece of advice! I suppose I could start working on my self-esteem by slowly starting to look at myself in a mirror. For now I can't even do that, if I'm in front of one I usually just turn my head away or close my eyes. I'm a stranger to myself. And yes, I suppose my imperfections are good as filters, to see if the person I'm talking to is accepting or an asshole who would want to hook up with me and use me, and do nothing more.

    Back when I was still attempting this, I never even got to meeting in person because usually I would start out by telling the guys not to hate me for being ugly and shit. Please be ok with the fact that I'm nerdy and studious when it comes to my interests, please accept that I'm a thinker. I'm just taking life too seriously sometimes and that needs to change, though it doesn't exactly help that I need to learn 3 times as much shit as people need to in other countries to get a job paying a third of what you get. I'm always concerned that if I don't do my best I'll end up starving to death in the street with no money and no job and noone to help me. Thank you again, and I'll be sure to use the rest of my time in high school to work on my personality. Who knows, for someone I could be an unrefined diamond. I hope :icon_bigg
     
    #6 Brandiac, May 25, 2014
  7. Mirko

    Mirko
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    Hi there!

    Try to start working on looking at yourself in the mirror. It will take some time before you feel comfortable but starting that will give you a chance to start thinking differently about your looks.

    Get to know yourself. Maybe start with one longer observation. Scan yourself starting from the top of your head. Once you have done that, don't turn around or look away. Make eye contact with yourself, and then say out loud: "I like my eyes." Allow yourself to hear that. It might feel foreign to you, and it might not give you any feelings but it would be a start. Do the same thing the next time you see yourself in the mirror.

    After a while of observing yourself, expand on what you see. "I like my eyes. I also like the way my nose looks. They go together." Keep building on that. The more you keep saying to yourself that you like yourself, the more you will build your own self-confidence and self-esteem.

    Start owning your hobbies, and interests. What are you good at? Do you have a hobby? If you do, pursue it a bit more, and incorporate it into what you like about yourself.

    Liking yourself, will eventually lead to loving yourself. It will make a difference in how you relate to others, see the world, and also how you let others into your life.

    The next time you meet somebody, try not to start with "please don't hate me for this and this." Start with something positive about yourself. Start with a common interest, something that you can build a conversation on.

    You'll be fine. You are already doing the things to get ahead in life. You are taking your studies seriously and are trying your best. That is all that anyone can ask for. :slight_smile:
     
    #7 Mirko, May 25, 2014
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