I feel like I don't understand emotions. I don't get them. I don't know how to sort them out in my head, to find the answers i'm looking for - every time I do I get confused, I realize how much of a mess I am, I cry and cry and cry. WHY? Well, because I have so much at stake. This girl... yeah, i know, i've written two other posts on her.. i don't know what to do. Like I said, I'm a mess. So, recap if you haven't seen the other posts. This girl. She's amazing. We've been dating 10 months. Yes, i've thrown the word love around (I genuinely thought I was). I do love her, have no idea if i'm in love with her. The question of whether i'm in love with her keeps coming back and back and back and each time I want to scream. I just don't understand why I can't figure this out! especially when I care so much about her, and i'm scared i'm just stringing her along. (yes i know saying 'i love you' when you might not mean it is a shitty and dangerous thing :bang: ) Things were fine when I had completely isolated myself before I met her. I couldn't hurt anyone, couldn't take the risk of vulnerability. It was okay. Lonely, but safe. She was the one who broke down my walls, solved most of the problems just by being there. Gave me love and support. I'm so fucking grateful for her being in my life. I value the shit out of her, but... this hurts. I don't think I'm in love with her. It's funny, after describing her, i don't remember why. Oh, yes...it's because I don't feel the romantic passion. Deep bond? check. Sexual attraction? check. Flood of 'i love you feelings'? during sex, sometimes. Sometimes I get them off and on, which makes me question if they are even real or if i'm making them up in an attempt to convince myself. I mean, every time I think that I don't love her, I think about breaking up with her because I have so much doubt... but what always pulls me back is the pain of leaving her, the thought 'what if i' wrong? I could be wrong. I do really care about her'. I feel ridiculously selfish... There have been emotional moments. Sex can be really fucking emotional and i'm definitely attracted to her. The first time we facetimed, the first time we met in person, and other moments were easily the best in my life. But i've also gone into periods of depression because of this doubt. I'm not happy because of this. Even around her, I'm not always happy. Which I guess is what makes me think I don't love her. I'm not sure if i'm not happy around her because I don't love her or because I just think I don't love her. But i mean... ugh... isn't love supposed to conquer this doubt? Or, is that a fairy tale lie as well? I've never been in love. This is my first real relationship.. I don't understand what I'm supposed to feel or how I'm supposed to act. Maybe that's part of it. I guess I'm hoping someone will say 'you're wrong. you do love her', but at the same time that scares me to death because what if I believe that and find out later down the road that I don't? And then of course hurt us both (but her much more). Guys, she wants to marry me. She wants to have kids. And the sad thing is, I can picture that future. It want it. I want to be that person for her.. but i don't know if I can. Then again, part of me is scared you'll tell me to break up with her. *sigh* And that, ladies and gentleman, has been the chaos in my head of the past 10 months. So please, please, please... even if you don't know or can't give me the answer.. just give me some words of advice? Part of me doesn't feel as if I deserve it.. but this shouldn't be about me, this should be about her. I don't want to waste her time and her heart. So. please? :tears:
I could be wrong but I think the issue here is that you're afraid that you are not good enough for her. You talk alot about how she broke down your walls, how you're afraid of hurting her, and that you want a future with her but don't know you can... all these things indicate that you care about her a lot but you're just afraid you might not be good enough for her. If that's the case, then you need to examine why that is. I can't tell you if you're in love with her or not because I can't really tell, only you can. Oftentimes, romantic movies and novels make it seem like it's so easy knowing when you're in love with someone but that's really not true. Sometimes it's a bit of a struggle and a journey since emotions can be a tricky thing so you're perfectly normal in that regards! I have felt the same way too so you are not alone. So this is my advice to you... don't think about whether or not you're in love with her or not. Instead focus on how you feel around her. Do you like being around her? Do you want to continue being in a relationship with her? Do you have good times together? Does she make you feel good? Do you have sexual feelings and like having sex with her? If you answer yes to all the questions, then continue being in a relationship with her. There's no law saying that if you're in a monogamous relationship with someone you have to be with them forever and get married. It's ok to be in a relationship without any thought of marriage or "forever" especially since you're only 18! You don't need that extra pressure. Just enjoy your time together. I think the less you focus on the label "love" the more clear your emotions will become since sometimes we get so caught up in labels such as "being in love" that we lose sight of what we actually feel. Hope that helps!
