Heterosexism and internal homophobia? Anyone deal w/ this.

Well I think I'm in the process of accepting that I am lesbian but I continue to have my doubts because I've still never been in love.

I went to the movies with a male friend and I made sure i dressed feminine and wore make-up which i usually don't do. that night i grabbed his arm and held onto him because i was cold. I wanted people to think that we were together as a couple to not give off any clues that I was gay. I went on a date with a woman before and the only thing that i could think about was this would have felt less awkward if it were with a guy.

Now, I don't think about going on a date with a guy as much. but the only thing I'm trying to get over with is having sex with one. for some reason I think that will end my confusion.

A relationship for me doesn't feel real or isn't valid if i don't imagine a man. In reality I friend-zone guys and when they express any type of feelings towards me or if I feel it is getting to that point i avoid them. when a guy touches me sexually i always feel violated.

based on my history i have been a lot more experienced with women. when i drink i want to kiss and be physical with women. while sober i cant decided but i'm just a bit repulsed by the thought of having sex with men. I like their bodies and their personalities. I don't get any urges. sometimes i think i want to be like them and dress like them.

I think I currently have a crush on a woman in my class....I cant stop thinking about her. I makes sure i sit right next to her. i hate school but i find myself getting excited to get to class...she pointed to my bracelet one day and asked what it said and that made my whole day. I love her smile and her demeanor. when its two women who approaches who?? I feel like i have to dress and act masculine if i am going to call myself a lesbian.

I say I want to be with men but i don't put in any effort to do so. Does anyone know what to tell me? :bang:

 

You have some heterosexist feelings that you need to work on if you want to make your life happier and accept yourself.

The idea that you need a man for something to be 'real' is a common belief instilled in us because society- from the beginning of time- has believed that a woman is a man's property to take or own. You may not see those -exact- words anymore, but those beliefs still exist in the 21st century in subtle ways. If two women are together, if they sleep together, that isn't a 'real' experience, since a man was not involved. On the other hand, if said women were both raped by a random man, that is now a real sexual experience since it involved a man and becomes an important part of their identity (when it shouldn't).

These beliefs are harmful, and can cause internalized homophobia, and at worst even suicide attempts in the lesbian community (I'm not blaming you at large, I'm just saying I relate to what you're saying since I also had those beliefs before and it led to various self-harm attempts until I learned to say 'screw society' and think for myself).

I don't think you really want to be with a guy because you seem really repulsed or violated by them; I only think you WANT to because you have internalized homophobia and are still in the stage of believing a woman needs a man to be a valid person (We've all been there).

But you don't need a man, and sleeping with a man to prove whether you're gay or not is a really bad idea. Because firstly, if you don't want it/like it, It'll destroy you emotionally for a long time and make you really resentful. Secondly, you don't really need experience to know what your sexuality is; you can enjoy the physical sensations of sex with men and still be a lesbian, you can dislike a sexual experience with women and still be a lesbian. It depends on many various factors.

Finally, not all lesbians are masculine, the masculine one doesn't have to take charge either. Even in straight relationships, some men approach women first, and sometimes women approach men first. It's a person thing; so for lesbians It's the same- whoever feels like it.

 

When I was 13 I had a friend who was about three years older than me. She had a friend who was rumored to be a lesbian who never denied it. The friend soon admitted to her that she likes girls too. My friend then tells me don't go near her friend because she's gay. And that's disgusting. She didn't want us hanging out with her so ppl and boys didn't think we were gay too.

It was so mean of me to follow along, but then when my friend wasn't around I felt really bad and would hang out with her.I didn't really care that she was a lesbian. I never thought about it unless my friend mentioned it.

There was a time I ended up doing something sexual with a male friend while drunk. I woke up the next day feeling disgusted and like he forced me to because he brought it up in a conversation the night prior and I was against it.

Crazy thing is I remembered everything that happened like a couple days after and I recall telling myself. "If I do this then he'll stop thinking I'm gay"

I used to self harm. But unfortunately I relapsed not too long because I felt like I was a total waste and a huge disappointment already. Then wondering why I can't just be straight and be sure about it. I wouldn't have to worry about telling my family.

 

I feel so sorry for you for having such a hard time Trust me, we've all had those thoughts and feelings and it just makes things harder in the long run *huggles*

 

Thanks.... I'm hoping that posting on here, I can get the support and relief that I am not getting here at home.